The Mothers 1971

Announcer: Frank Zappa and The Mothers Of Invention!

Tears began to fall
The writing's on the wall
'Cause there was nothing I could say
She took the car and drove away
And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
That's when the tears began to fall
'Cause I ain't got no love at all

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
And tears began to fall
Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Tears began to fall

And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
All right!
Say!

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The stare
The stare

The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour
She finishes her call
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots
Brushes her teeth
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat
It's getting her, getting her hot
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off
A sad but typical case, yeah
The last dude to do her
Got in and got soft
She blew it
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah . . .

(One more)

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

FZ:
That's right! Shove it right in!
And pull it right out!
And shove it in again!

Yeah, brother!
Hup, hup, hey . . .

FZ: Ready?

FZ: One, two, three, four . . .

I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school
I was the king of every school activity
But that's no more, oh mama, what will come of me?

The other night we painted posters
We played some records by The Coasters
A bunch of pom-pom girls looked down their nose at me
They had painted tons of posters, I had painted three
I hear the secret whispers everywhere I go
My school spirit is at an all-time low
Oh, no!

I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school
Everyone in town knows I'm a handsome football star
I sing and dance and spray my hair and drive a shiny car
I'm friendly and I'm charming, I belong to DeMolay
I'm gonna try like mad to get my status back today

Got my status back, baby
Got my status back, baby
Got my status back, baby
I got my status back, baby

Concentration Moon
(Sing along with us!)
Over the camp in the valley
(Concentration Moon!)
Oh, what a Concentration Moon
(I wish I was back in the alley)
I wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends
Still running free
Hair growing out
Every hole in me

FZ: That's right, hair growing out every hole in me!

American way
How did it start?
Thousands of creeps
Killed in the park
American way
Try and explain
Scab of a nation
Driven insane
Don't cry
Gotta go bye bye
Suddenly: die die
Cop kill a creep!
Pow! Pow! Pow!

FZ: And speaking of creeps, here they are, ladies and gentlemen, the Sanzini Brothers!
Howard: The Sanzini Brothers!

Mark: Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who are familiar with the Sanzini Brothers, there's no need for me to introduce to you my three brothers Adolf, Rudolph, Pissoff and Jackoff, the San— Tonight, we have got a trick for you tonight, because we know you're so hip here at the Fillmore, and we know you'll dig this. And Frank hasn't seen it. Frank has not seen it. The world famous Sanzini Brothers Sodomy Trick!

FZ: Just relax now . . . Your complete attention, please . . .
?: Go ahead . . .
FZ: Concentrate.

Mark & Howard: Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Concentration Moon
(Concentration Moon!)
Over the camp in the valley
(Ah, just sing right along with it!)
Oh, what a Concentration Moon
I wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends
Still running free
Hair growing out
Every hole in me

FZ: Hair growing out every hole in me.

American way
Threatened by us
Drag a few creeps
Away in a bus
American way
Prisoner: lock
Smash every creep
In the face with a rock
Don't cry
(No no no no)
Don't cry
(No no no, no no no no)
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Cop kill a creep!
Rat-tat-tat-tat! Ow!
[...] kill a creep!
Ow!
Kill another creep!
Ow!
Kill another creep!
(Kill the fucking freaks!)
Oh . . .

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls and boys
You'll sit home and drink all night
They looked too weird, it served them right

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls and boys
You'll sit home and drink all night
They looked too weird, it served them right

Ever take a minute just to show a real emotion
In between the moisture cream and velvet facial lotion?
Ever tell your kids you're glad that they can think?
Ever say you loved 'em? Ever let 'em watch you drink?
Ever wonder why your daughter looked so sad?
(So sad!)
It's such a drag to have to love
(Oh, to have to love!)
A plastic Mom & Dad

Mama! Mama!
Your child was killed in the park today
Shot by the cops as she quietly lay
By the side of the creeps she knew . . .
They killed her too

FZ: Thank you.

 

Mark & Howard:

Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethell
A tree
A tree

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy had two big caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
(Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder

Mark: Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big Lincoln Continental, and he laid a huge, bulging envelope right at the corner of Billy the Mountain, right where his foot was supposed to be. Now, Billy the Mountain, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for all of those years, and finally now, at last, his royalties!

Group:
Royalties! Royalties! Royalties!

Mark: Billy the Mountain was rich! Yes, his eyeball-caves widened in amazement. His jaw, which was a cliff, it dropped thirty feet! A bunch of dust puffed out. Rocks and boulders hacked up (hack! hack! hack! hack! hack! hack! hack!), crushing the Lincoln. Now, now the man in the checkered suit, well, he went screaming off into the desert at sunset all the way to Rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car.

Mark & Howard:

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It totalled my car

Oh, do you
Know any trucks might
Be bound for the valley?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar

Mark: Now by two o'clock, when the bars had closed down, Billy had already broken the big news to Ethell. Now with dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced . . .

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going on a vacation!

Mark: Yes! And they were going on a vacation. And Ethell, just like any little woman, well, Ethell, she of course was delighted. She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told Ethell they were going to . . . They were going to New York!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going to . . . New York!

Mark: But first they would stop in Las Vegas!

Mark & Howard:

It's off to Las Vegas
To check out the lounges
Pull a few handles
Drink a few beers
(Oh, Ethell!)

Ethell, my darling
You know that I love you
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year
(Oh, neet-o!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year

Mark: They left that night, crunching across the Mojave Desert. Their voices echoing through the canyons of your mind!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?

Mark:
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!

Jim & Howard:
Ah! There's a Howard Johnson's! Wanna eat some clams?

Jim: The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base.

FZ: And to this very day, Wing Nuts and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about the fateful night when Test Stand #1 and the rocket sled itself got lunched by a famous mountain and his small, wooden wife.

Mark & Howard:

Good bye to Las Vegas
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles
We drank a few beers
(Chug-a-lug-a-lug!)

Guess that George Putnam
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year
(George Putnam!)

Biggest new story
That has broken this year

Mark: Take it away, George!

Jim: Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotics crack-down in Torrance, Hawthorne, and Lomita, will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment, and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the Inland Empire. But it is this reporter's opinion that Ethell is a former communist.

Mark & Howard:
The Mid West!

Mark: Now, it was about this time that Billy got his notice to report for his induction physical. Now, we know what that's like. Now Ethell said she wasn't gonna let him go!

Howard:
I'm not gonna let you go, Billy!

Mark: And George Putnam, the right-wing radical fascist prick newscaster said . . .

Howard: Take it away, George Putnam, the radical right-wing fascist prick newscaster!

Jim: We now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister, that Ethell is still an active communist, and it is this reporter's opinion that she also practices . . .

Howard:
[...]

Jim: Witchcraft!

FZ: It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself. And as you all know the only person who could stop a rampaging mountain in this day and age, in this time of economics tribulation, would be the new, wonderful low-budget hero, Studebaker Hoch. Bring the band on down behind me, boys, we're giving some details about Mr. Hoch.

Howard:
Now some men say he looked like Felix Pappalardi

Mark:
Felix Pappalardi

Howard:
Still others say, you're full of shit, man

Mark:
Others say you're full of shit

Howard:
He was born next to the frozen beef pies

Mark:
He was born next to the

Howard:
Down at Gristedes market

Mark:
Frozen beef pies

Howard:
Still others say, no, no

Mark:
Others say he was just another

Howard:
He was just another crazy Italian who drove a red car

Mark:
Crazy Italian

Howard:
You see, nobody really knew for sure because

Mark:
But nobody knows for sure

Howard:
He was so

Mark:
He was so

Howard:
Mysterious, oh yes, he was

Mark:
Mysterious

Howard:
He was so

Mark:
He was so, he was so

Mark & Howard:
Mysterious

Howard:
He was so

Mark:
He was, he was

Mark & Howard:

Mysterious

'Cause when a person gets to be
Such a hero, folks
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio
Or what?

FZ: Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka
All the girls in Flushing
Would be amazed of him

Howard:
Two, three . . .

Mark & Howard:
Amazed of him

Mark: Broadway!

FZ: Certainly!

Howard:
So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch

Mark:
And flexy bracelet

Jim, Mark & Howard:
Grabbed it

Jim:
And answered
In a deep calmly assured voice . . .

Howard: Wanted for draft evasion? Can I, can I fly there immediately and reason with him? An expense account? And per diem, too?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could dance

FZ: And how right they were, because this is the Studebaker Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance, featuring Aynsley Dunbar.

Group:

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, hey!

Right hand from the heart
Left hand from the heart
Right hand from the heart
Left hand from the left shoulder
To the heart

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!

FZ: Donovan himself uses this prayer very frequently and it's done wonders for him. Studebaker Hoch is a quasi-religious hero within the context of the story. Consider if you will the rumors that have spread that he could write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin.

Group:
Some men say he could write the Lord's Prayer
On the head of a
Head of a
Head of a pin

Mark: Three Dog Night! Yeah!

Howard:
Others still maintain the fact
Good God!
He was born next to the frozen beef pies

Mark & Howard:
And that was the main influence on him

Jim: Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife.

Mark: Who ran a modeling school, whereupon he . . . he ran around the back of Gimbels to see if he could find himself some big unused cardboard boxes.

Howard: After which he hit up the local Gristedes for some Kaiser Broiler Foil, some Aunt Jemima Syrup, and a pair of blunt scissors.

Mark: Yes, and in the parking lot, wherever he could find one, in between a pair of customized bikes, he cut out a pair of really nice wings, and he covered 'em thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. [...].

Jim: Then he wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into the phone booth.

Mark: Now he shut the door! And he pulled down his gray denim policeman type trousers, and he took— and he spread, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima Syrup all over the inside of his legs, right underneath his Valentine print boxer shorts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jim: Soon the booth was filling with flies.

Mark & Howard:
Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Jim: He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in.

Mark: Yes! And when each and every one of those damn little cock-suckin' flies had got in, underneath his shorts, and was sucking up all that Aunt Jemima Syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said in a clear, impressive voice . . .

Mark & Howard:
New York!

Jim, Mark & Howard:
And the booth
And everything
Lifted up
Out of the parking lot
And into the sky!

Group:

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

He's coating his legs
With Aunt Jemima
Syrup up and down

His shorts'll be filled
With flies that will be
Buzzing all around

Stoodlabaker Hoch
He's really outa sight
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He does it every night
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He treats the flies all right
Stoodlabaker Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen

Fly to New York!

He could be a nark
Or a lady marine

Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old?
Say!
I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

Group:

Fly to New York!

I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

FZ: We join Studebaker Hoch on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth. Take it away . . .

Howard: Billy? I've come to reason with you. Our great country needs you in the Armed Forces. It's all fair and square. Your number came up. You can't go on running like this forever.

Mark: Now, Ethell shook her twigs angrily, but Studebaker Hoch, un-ferturbed, continued . . .

Howard: Listen, you (cough, cough) . . .

Group: Listen, you communist son-of-a-bitch! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see it to that you get used for fill dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation. And your girlfriend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards, or a dog house. Get the (cough, cough) . . .

Howard: Get the picture?

Mark: Billy laughed.

Jim & Howard: Ho, ho, ho!

Jim: If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy!

FZ: Of course when Billy laughs, Studebaker Hoch, who had been standing on the edge of his mouth, which was a cliff, lost his balance and he fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

Group: Aaahhhhhhhh . . .

Howard: Wait, that's only one hundred, you Carnaby cutie, do I hear a little more?

Group: Aaahhhhhhhh . . .

Mark: Which only goes to show . . .

Group:

A mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)

Don't fuck with Billy
And don't fuck with Ethell
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)

Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!

Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!

Mark:
With
Biddilly

Howard:
Biddilly

Ian?:
Biddilly

Bob?:
Biddilly

Jim:
Biddilly

Group:
Biddilly the Mountin-innnnnnn!
Biddilly the Mountin-innnnnnn!

FZ: Thank you. All right . . . Don Preston.

FZ: Good night! . . . That's all we're gonna play. Good night.

Announcer: Frank Zappa and The Mothers Of Invention.

Tears began to fall
The writing's on the wall
'Cause there was nothing I could say
She took the car and drove away
And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
That's when the tears began to fall
'Cause I ain't got no love at all

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Tears began to fall

And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
All right!
Say!

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The stare
The stare

The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour
She finishes her call
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots
Brushes her teeth
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat
It's getting her, getting her hot
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off
A sad but typical case, yeah
The last dude to do her
Got in and got soft
She blew it
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah . . .

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

FZ:
That's right! Shove it right in!
And pull it right out!
And shove it in again!

FZ: Thank you.

FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the story of Billy the Mountain.

Mark & Howard:

Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethell
A tree
A tree

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy had two big caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
(Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder

Mark: Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a large Lincoln Continental, and he laid a huge, bulging envelope right at the corner of Billy the Mountain, right where his foot was supposed to be. Now, Billy, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for all of these years, and finally now, at last, his royalties!

Group:
Royalties! Royalties! Royalties! Royalties!

Mark: Billy the Mountain was rich! His eyeball-caves widened in amazement. His jaw, which was a cliff, dropped thirty feet! A bunch of dust puffed out. Rocks and boulders hacked up, crushing the Lincoln. Now, the man in the checkered suit, well, he went screaming off into the desert at sunset all the way to Rosamond to have a beer and tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car.

Mark & Howard:

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It totalled my car

Oh, do you
Know any trucks might
Be bound for the valley?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar

Mark: Now by two o'clock, and the bars had already closed down, Billy had already broken the big news to Ethell. With dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced . . .

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going on a vacation!

Mark: Yes! And they were going on a vacation. Now Ethell, well, just like a little woman, as she was, Ethell of course was delighted. She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Now Billy told Ethell they were going to . . . They were going to New York!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going to . . . New York!

Mark: But first they would stop in Las Vegas!

Mark & Howard:

It's off to Las Vegas
To check out the lounges
Pull a few handles
Drink a few beers
(Oh, Ethell!)

Ethell, my darling
You know that I love you
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year
(Oh, neet-o!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year

Mark: They left that night, crunching across the Mojave Desert. Their voices echoing through the canyons of your mind!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?

Mark:
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!

Jim & Howard:
Ah! There's a Howard Johnson's! Wanna eat some clams?

Jim: The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base.

FZ: And to this very day, Wing Nuts and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about the fateful night when Test Stand #1 and the rocket sled itself got lunched by a famous mountain and his small, wooden wife.

Mark & Howard:

Good bye to Las Vegas
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles
We drank a few beers
(Chug-a-lug-a-lug!)

Guess that George Putnam
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year
(George Putnam!)

Biggest new story
That has broken this year

Mark: Take it away, George!

Jim: Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotics crack-down in Torrance, Hawthorne, and Lomita, will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment, and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the Inland Empire. But it is this reporter's opinion that Ethell is a former communist.

Ian: Within the week . . .

Bob: Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon . . .

Mark & Howard:
Wah wah wah, nice lady!

Jim: To raise funds for the injured . . .

Mark & Howard:
Injured

Jim: And homeless . . .

Mark & Howard:
Homeless

Jim, Mark & Howard:
In Denver

FZ: As Billy had just levelled it.

Mark: And a few miles right outside of town, Billy caused a . . .

Mark & Howard:
Oh! My Papa

Mark: In the Earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps where they keep the . . .

Group:
Pools of old poison gas
And obsolete germ bombs

Mark: Just as a freak tornado cruised through.
My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby!

Mark: Sucking up two thirds of it (Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!) for untimely dispersal over vast stretches of . . .

Mark & Howard:
The Mid West!

Mark: Now, it was about this time, I think it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio, yeah, that was there, Billy got his notice to report for his induction physical. Now, this may be hard to believe, but Ethell said she wasn't gonna let him go!

Howard:
I'm not gonna let you go, Billy!

Mark: And George Putnam, the right-wing radical fascist punk asshole damn—what is it?—newscaster has to say . . .

Howard: Take it away, George Putnam, the radical fascist right-wing goddamn p— Take it away, George!

Jim: We now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister, that Ethell is still an active communist, and it is this reporter's opinion that she also practices . . .

Howard:
[...]

Jim: Witchcraft!

Howard: Right on!

FZ: It was about this time that the telephone rang in the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself.

Mark: Sieg Heil!

FZ: Of course you realize that this could be only one person, and that was Studebaker Hoch, imaginary hero of the current depression. Bring the band on down behind me, boys, for a few inside details about Studebaker Hoch's personality.

Howard:
Now some men say he looked like Felix Pappalardi

Mark:
Felix Pappalardi

Howard:
Others say

Mark:
Others say

Howard:
Bullshit, man

Mark:
Bullshit, man

Howard:
He was just born

Mark:
He was just born

Howard:
Next to the frozen beef pies at Gristedes

Mark:
Frozen beef pies

Howard:
Still others say, no, none of the above

Mark:
Others say, others say he was just a

Howard:
He was just a crazy Italian who drove a red car

Mark:
A crazy Italian

Howard:
You see, nobody really knows for sure

Mark:
But nobody knows for sure

Howard:
Because he was so

Mark:
He was so

Howard:
Mysterious, oh yes, he was

Mark:
Mysterious

Howard:
He was so

Mark:
He was so

Howard:
Mysterious

Mark:
Oh, say it again

Howard:
He was so

Mark:
He was so

Howard:
He was so

Mark:
He was so

Howard:
Mysterious

Mark:
Mysterious

Mark & Howard:
'Cause when a person gets to be
Such a hero, folks
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio
Or what?

FZ: Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka
All the girls in Flushing
Would be amazed of him

Howard:
Two, three . . .

Mark & Howard:
Amazed of him

FZ: Should be amazed of him!

Howard: Yeah!

Howard:
So when the phone rang
(Thank you)
In the secret briefcase
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch

Mark:
And and flexy bracelet

Mark & Howard:
Grabbed it

Jim:
And answered
In a deep calmly assured voice . . .

Howard: Yes, this is he. What? A mountain? With a tree growing off of his shoulder? You're full of shit, man. I ain't bo— What? Well, if you— Well, all right. Well, let me write this down then. Sort of take a few notes here . . . To New York, ah? Whoa. Causing, causing limit and boundless destruction?

Mark:
Limit and boundless destruction!
Limit and boundless destruction!
Limit and boundless destruction!
Destruction!
Destruction!
Destruction!
Destruction!

Howard: Wanted for draft evasion? Can I fly there immediately and try to relate to him? Oh oh, what a question. An expense account? And per diem, too?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could dance

FZ: And he could dance, because this, you lucky people, because this is the Studebaker Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance, featuring Aynsley Dunbar.

Group:

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, hey!

Right hand from the heart
Left hand from the heart
Right hand from the heart
Left hand from the left shoulder
To the heart

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, hey!

FZ: Basicly what we're trying to tell you is that Studebaker Hoch wasn't an ordinary kind of a hero. Some people even believe that he could write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin.

Group:
Some men say he could write the Lord's Prayer
On the head of a
Head of a
Head of a pin

Mark: Three Dog Night!

Howard:
Others still maintain the fact
God!
He was born next to the frozen beef pies

Mark & Howard:
And that was the main influence on him

FZ: Beef pie consciousness!

Jim: Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife.

Mark: Who ran a modeling school, whereupon he . . . he ran around the back of Macy's to see if he could find some big cardboard boxes.

Howard: After which he hit up Gristedes market for some Kaiser Broiler Foil, some Aunt Jemima Syrup, and a pair of blunt scissors.

Mark: Yes, and in the parking lot, wherever he could find one, in between a pair of customized trucks, he cut out a pair of really, really nice wings, and he covered 'em thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Com-paht-ment. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Com-paht-ment. Thoroughly with foil. Com-paht-ment. Thoroughly with foil. Com-paht-ment. Thoroughly— Th— Thoroughly with foil. Com-paht-ment.

Jim: Then he, then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into the phone booth.

Mark: He closed the door! And then he pulled down his gray denim bus driver pants, and he took that Aunt Jemima Syrup and he spread it all over the inside of his legs, right underneath his boxer shorts.

Jim: Soon the booth was filling with flies.

Mark & Howard:
Help me! Help me! Help me!

Jim: He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in.

Mark: Yes! And when each and every one of those little fuckin' flies that got under his pants were sucking up all that Aunt Jemima Syrup, he put his head between his legs and he said to the little flies in a clear, impressive voice . . .

Mark & Howard:
New York!

Jim, Mark & Howard:
And the booth
And everything
Lifted up
Out of the parking lot
And into the sky!

Group:

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

He's coating his legs
With Aunt Jemima
Syrup up and down

His shorts'll be filled
With flies that will be
Buzzing all around

Stoodlabaker Hoch
He's really outa sight
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He does it every night
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He treats the flies all right
Stoodlabaker Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen

Fly to New York!

He could be a nark
Or a lady marine

Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old?
Say!
I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

Fly/Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

Group:

Fly to New York!

I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

FZ: We join Studebaker Hoch now standing on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth.

Howard: Billy? I've come to reason with you. Our great country needs you in the Armed Forces. It's all fair and square. Your number came up. You can't go on running like this forever.

Mark: Ethell shook her twigs angrily, but Studebaker Hoch, un-ferturbed, continued . . .

Howard: Listen, you (cough, cough) . . .

Group: Listen, you communist son-of-a-bitch! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation. And your girlfriend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards, or a dog house. Get the (cough, cough) . . .

Howard: Get the picture?

Mark: Billy just laughed.

Jim & Howard: Ho, ho, ho!

Jim: If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy!

FZ: Now there's a slight problem here. You realize that Studebaker Hoch is standing on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth, so that when the mountain laughed Studebaker Hoch lost his balance, you know, with his briefcase and the flies and everything, and he sort of fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

Group: Aaahhhhhhhh . . .

FZ: One more time.

Howard: Well, that was only one hundred feet, you Carnaby cutie, let's here it again!

Group: Aaahhhhhhhh . . .

Mark: Which only goes to show . . .

Group:

A mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)

Don't fuck with Billy
And don't fuck with Ethell
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)

Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!

Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!

Mark:
With
Biddilly

Howard:
Biddilly

Ian?:
Biddilly

Bob?:
Biddilly

Jim:
Biddilly

Group:
Biddilly the Mountin-innnnnnn!
Biddilly the Mountin-innnnnnn!

FZ: Thank you! . . . Thank you! . . . Thank you . . . Don't ask . . . Okay, ready?

FZ: That's right, you heard right, the secret word for tonight is Mud Shark! And of course with the Mud Shark Secret Word is the Mud Shark Arpeggio . . . and the mating call of the adult male Mud Shark . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark
Mud Sh-sh-shark
Mud Sh-sh-shark

Howard: Do the Mud Shark!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Do the Mud Shark! It's sweeping the ocean.
Mark: All right now, we're gonna do a little dance. It's called the Mud Shark. Ooh . . . Funky!

Mud Sh-sh-shark . . .

Mark: Now that fish is gonna go swimming upstream so you do the swimming. Ow! Here we go! . . . [...] Good God! Good God! . . . We're gonna do the swimming . . . We have to do some swimming . . . Say! Good God! . . . Try with your [...] . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark
Mud Sh-sh-shark . . .

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Howard:
What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?

Mark:
I left my place after midnight
And I came to this hall
Me and my girlfriend, we came here
Looking to ball

Howard:
You came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin'-est place in good old Fun City!

Mark:
Well, I'll tell ya
Well I get off bein' juked with a baby octopus
And spewed upon with creamed corn
And my girlfriend, she digs it with a hot 7-Up bottle
While somebody's screamin'
"Alice Cooper!
Alice Cooper!
Alice Cooper!"
Aaah!

Bob:
Gets me so hot I could scream

Group:
Alice Cooper
Alice Cooper

Bob:
Oh, yeah . . .

Group:
Alice Cooper
Alice Cooper

Howard:
Wow! You two chicks sound real far out and groovy
Ever been to the One Fifth Avenue?
Magic Fingers in the bed
Wall-mounted TV screens
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen!

Group:
What kind of girl?
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
What kind of girl?
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
Don't call us groupies
That is going too far
(What kind of girl?)
We wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

FZ:
These girls wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They want a guy from a group
With a big hit single in the charts!

Wow! In the jungle, baby
Talkin' 'bout the East Village, mama
Psychedelic dungeons, now
What say we all paint our body up with glow stuff, honey
Sit under the black lights and pinch each other's titties
Watch all the cockroaches crawl on your genitals
Picking out with your teeth out of the pubic hair, baby
Let's get a nice juicy one, what say, come on now
Talkin' 'bout the sewer system, baby
Talkin' 'bout carbon monoxide consciousness, honey
Talkin' 'bout the grimy scrumptious Statue of Liberty, yeah
And the dying fish polluted harbor
And I'm also talking about . . .

 

Mark: Really, really, Howie. You just don't know how exciting this is for me. I can't ever tell you how exciting this is to be with a musician from Hollywood. I mean, you are where it's at. Tell me, have you ever really run into David Cassidy or Bobby Sherman?

Howard: No. No, no.

Mark: I mean, d'you ever see any of the guys from the Three Dog Night? Joe Schermie is just my favorite bass—

Howard: Jimmy Greenspoon, I know it's Jimmy—

Mark: Jimmy! I just love that band! John Braden, maybe you know him. I laid him once. I mean, tell me something, tell me, do you like my new car here? This is my new car and, my dad gave it to me for graduation.

Howard: Yeah! Oh, yeah, all your girlfriends fit inside real fine!

Mark: My girlf—? Oh, did you meet all my girlfriends?

Howard: No, no, would you . . . ?

Mark: Oh, I will introduce you to all my girlfriends.

Howard: Please.

Mark: This is my, my, my closest girlfriend, I mean, we've even slept together—this is Jim. And then, back here, well, we all know this one. This one is the c— San Fernando Valley cutie, Ian.

Howard: Oh, pleased to meet you, Ian.

Mark: Ian. Oh, Ian just loves pop stars. Now, he loves— Ah, we'll skip him. The guy over here, now he's an easy make.

Howard: Oh, yeah? He looks it.

Mark: Bob Harris.

Howard: Oh, Bob.

Mark: Oh, we— I just love him.

Howard: Pleased to meet you, Bob.

Mark: Right here, let me tell you, the one sitting in the middle? Oh, she is hot! Aynsley Dunbar, oh.

Howard: Oh, yeah, she's . . .

Aynsley: Hello, Howard.

Mark: Did you see this one?

Howard: Now who's that one?

Mark: This one?

Howard: That's the one I know— You know, I wanna know about her.

Mark: Oh, she . . . oh, man . . .

Howard: Yeah.

Mark: She's only topped by me. No, I didn't mean that, I mean—that's Gonzo.

Howard: Gonzo?

Mark: Well, we call him Frank, but . . .

Howard: Oh.

Mark: That's Gonzo.

Howard: Oh, yeah?

Mark & Howard: Now listen!

Mark: Oh . . . My girlfriends and I, I mean, we just love you, pop stars.

Howard: Yeah? This is a fine car, boy. I wanna tell you, it's not every night you get to ride home from a gig in something like— Is this— This is a Gremlin, isn't it? It's real futuristic. I love the fins. Listen, d'you know how to get to the One Fifth Avenue from here?

Mark: Well, not exactly, I mean, uh . . . Is that, is that where you're staying? I mean, don't you usually . . . ?

Howard: Oh, well, you know, we gotta get up early in . . . Fly out of here in the morning, you know?

Mark: Oh, yeah? Where, where you guys play next? I mean . . .

Howard: Oh . . . Tierra del Fuego.

Mark: Oh oh, you . . . You are so professional! I mean, the way you get to play in all these exotic towns and . . . Tell me something, do you really have a hit record in the charts with a bullet?

Howard: Listen, honey, would I lie to you just to get in your pants?

Mark: Hey! Hey! Don't talk to me that way! I am not a groupie!

Howard: No, I never . . .

Mark: And you'd better remember that!

Howard: I never . . .

Mark: I told Robert Plant it.

Howard: Robert Planet?

Mark: I told Elton John.

Howard: I never said . . .

Mark: I told all of big guys. I'm not a groupie!

Howard: No, I . . .

Mark: And neither are any of my girlfriends. Right, Jim? Is that right?

Jim: That's right, Howard. We only like musicians for friends.

Howard: (Snork) Yeah, well, listen, didn't you tell me a minute ago that you get off being juked with a baby octopus and spewed upon with creamed corn and that your harelipped dyke-o bass-playing girlfriend had to have it with a hot Yoo-hoo bottle or she went apeshit?

Mark: Oh . . .

Howard: What's the deal, mama?

Mark: Oh, all that is true! And sometimes I even have to have it with a Sabrett Hot Dog, Howie, but listen! I want you to remember I am not a groupie . . .

Howard: No, I, I . . .

Mark: And if you wanna get anywhere you're gonna remember that all, all, all, all, all night. I'm not a groupie.

Howard: But, but you see, there seems to be a communication gap here, sweets . . .

Mark: I think so, I think so.

Howard: Because I'm a lonely guy from out of town, you know? Uh . . . I, I've been looking for some action, you know? I mean, I want a, I want a steaming, slimy, succulent, juicy, drippy, ever-widening, kind of a ho—, a ho— How can I put this? . . . What say we go in the trunk of your Gremlin and get our rocks off?

Mark: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute. I'm in this band too. Just relax. Now listen, it just so happens tonight . . .

Howard: Yeah?

?: One night only.

Mark: One night only, right here, you won't even believe it. Me and my girlfriends, well, we came here looking for a guy from a group.

Howard: What?

Mark: But he's gotta have a dick!

Howard: Go on!

Mark: And he's gotta have a dick that's a monster!

Howard: Waaah! . . . That's me! That's me! Oh! Oh, you voluptuous Manhattan Island clit . . .

Howard: Say!

Imagine me and you
I do
I think about you day and night
It's only right
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up
(Call you up)
Invest a dime
And you say you belong to me
(Ease my mind)
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be
(Very fine)
So very fine
So happy together

I can't see me
Lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me
Baby, the skies will be blue
For all my life

Mark: Everybody sing along, just like a big rock show!

FZ: Thank you very much for coming to our concert tonight. Good night.

FZ: Thank you. I'd like to bring out one of the original Mothers Of Invention, Don Preston.

(Is that working?)

FZ: All right.

FZ: [...] we were doing this afternoon just, when I give a downbeat just play any chord of your choice.

 

 

FZ: Thank you for coming to our concert and good night.

 

 

Tears began to fall
The writing's on the wall
'Cause there was nothing I could say
She took the car and drove away
And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
That's when the tears began to fall
'Cause I ain't got no love at all

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Tears began to fall

And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

FZ: Thank you. Yes, of course we'll play "Status Back Baby" for you. We just love to play audience requests.
Howard: I'd kill for a little more level on this.
Mark: Yeah, the monitors could . . .
FZ: Of course we'll play "Mom & Dad" for you! . . . Not only will we play this things for you, but we'll play them in tune if you'll be patient . . . Ha ha ha ha! Of course we'll send the penguin through the flaming hoop tonight! . . . But not during this show.
Guy In The Audience: "Concentration Moon"!
FZ: Of course we'll play "Concentration Moon" for you! . . . Ready? [...] the rhythm section?
Group: One hundred!
FZ: [...] torpedo [...]!
Group: [...]!
FZ: Selection number 1 will be "Status Back Baby." One, two, three, four . . .

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls and boys
You'll sit home and drink all night
They looked too weird, it served them right

FZ: Thank you! All right. Hey! Shut up. It's just I wanna tell you something about the next piece we're gonna play because it's got a complicated plot. We're gonna tell you the story of Billy the Mountain now. Billy is a nice mountain that lives in California, in the middle of the Mojave Desert, between the two towns of Rosamond and Gorman. And he lives there with his wife Ethell. Ethell is a tree growing off of his shoulder. And he's lived in the desert for many many years. And during that time he's been ripped off by the commercial establishment. You know how they are, those motherfuckers, always ripping you off . . . Eh. Oh. Power to the mountains! Right.

Mark: Free yourself!

FZ: Right. So, this mountain uh, they w— They've been ripping him off by taking pictures of him, you know, and using him for postcards and stuff. And he'd lost all faith in the commercial establishment until one day a man in a checkered suit drove up in a Lincoln Continental and laid a huge bulging envelope at the corner of Billy the Mountain, right where his foot is supposed to be. And in the envelope was his royalties for all of those postcards he'd posed for. Now let me backtrack a little bit so you can project into this better. You have to imagine what Billy looks like. He's shaped like this, he goes up. Over, a little lump there. Down. A little hunch on the side, out of that way. And down. It's his foot over here. Ethell grows out of his shoulder, right over there. Little branches stick up like that. Billy has two big caves for eyes, and he has his jaw which is a cliff and it sticks out in the front. And whenever he talks the cliff goes up and down about thirty feet and dust and boulders hack out of it. So this'll help you to imagine what's going on. So what happens when Billy finds out that he's got his royalties is that he tells his nice wife Ethell that they are finally gonna take a vacation. And he proceeds to walk from California to New York, destroying most of the United States in the process . . . But our story isn't one of total destruction of course, because we have a little social commentary in there too 'cause you always have to put those things in. And when they— When he gets just outside of Columbus, Ohio, he gets a notice to report for an induction physical. And so uh, his wife says she wouldn't let him go.

Howard: "I won't let you go, Billy!"

FZ: And he spews up some boulders and cow— and covers up the draft notice. And he thinks nobody has— it was gonna care, you know, that he doesn't want to join the army, but the government finds out about it and they're really pissed off. So they figure the best way to deal with him is instead of sending in the National Guard, they're gonna send a superhero of the current economic slump. A very wonderful person that you'll meet later. His name is Studebaker Hoch. And they send Studebaker Hoch flying to New York to reason with the rampaging mountain. I won't tell you what happens in the end but here's the overture to "Billy The Mountain."

FZ: The clarinet is playing the theme of Ethell & Billy.

FZ:
MGM . . . MGM . . .

Ian: Within the week . . .

Bob: Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon . . .

Mark & Howard:
Wah wah wah, nice lady!

Jim: To raise funds for the injured . . .

Mark & Howard:
Injured

Jim: And homeless . . .

Mark & Howard:
Homeless

Jim, Mark & Howard:
In Denver

FZ: As Billy had just levelled it.

Mark: And a few miles right outside of town, Billy caused a . . .

Mark & Howard:
Oh! My Papa

Mark: In the Earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps where they keep the . . .

Group:
Pools of old poison gas
And obsolete germ bombs

Mark: Just as a freak tornado cruised through.

Howard:
My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby!

Mark: Sucking up two thirds of it (Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!) for untimely dispersal over vast stretches of . . .

FZ: It was about this time that the telephone rang in the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself. And just like I've told you before that one man was Studebaker Hoch, a marvelous person, and we'd like to give you a few details of the inner workings of his consciousness. If you bring the band on down behind me, boys, we can grind into this next section.

Howard: Yes, this is he. What? A, a mountain? Wi— with a tree growing off of his shoulder?

FZ: The theme is being sung by Mark.

Howard: You're full of shit, man. A mountain with a tree . . . Oh well, okay, let me, let me write this down. Sort of take a few notes here . . . To New York? Oh. Causing untold destruction?

Mark:
My baby!
My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby!

Howard: Wanted for draft evasion? Oh, my God! Can I fly there immediately and, and try to reason with him? An expense account? And per diem, too?

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!

FZ: And of course you can see why the government would send somebody like this to talk to a mountain. There were a number of very peculiar rumors circulating about Studebaker Hoch recently. Not the strangest of these was the one that gave him credit for being able to write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin.

Mark: . . . A rumour . . . a rumour . . . a rumour . . .

Howard:
He was born next to the frozen beef pies

FZ: That give you any idea what sort of person he was?

Mark: He closed the door! He closed the door! And he pulled down his gray denim bus driver type pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima Syrup all over the inside of his legs, right underneath his boxer print shorts. Ha ha ha!

Aynsley: Yes, mama Howard.

Howard: Hey! Sandwich pack.

Mark: Good. Don Preston! . . . Star, star of the forthcoming film 200 Motels. Don Preston. Frank's in it too.

FZ: Hey, play "Chunga's Revenge" . . . gimme a D . . . [...] . . . Okay. Two, three, four . . .

FZ: Good night.

Mark: Can we have more monitor, Steve? It's for Howard. A little more monitor for Howard.

Jim: One, two, test. One.

Announcer: Okay. Welcome please, Frank Zappa and The Mothers Of Invention!

FZ: Hello, there! . . . I'm sorry that it took us so long to prepare ourselves for this event—Silence, fool.—We wanted to try and do a real nice show for you since it's half the last time we have the golden opportunity to play at the Fillmore. I become nostalgic at moments like this. My mind drifts back to the first time some prick in the audience asked us to play "Louie Louie." And I think that tonight, boys and girls, just may be one of the memorable events here. I'd like to say this, please—listen—please keep the comments to the bandstand at a minimum this evening—we have a reasonably complicated program to play for you. We'd like to make it sound like music. And I don't want to treat you like you're a herd of cattle—even though it's against my better judgement.

FZ: The name of this song is "Peaches En Regalia."

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The stare
The stare

The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour
She finishes her call
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots
Brushes her teeth
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat
It's getting her, getting her hot
(Oh, so hot)
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off
A sad but typical case, yeah
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft
She blew it
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah . . .

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

FZ:
Let's try that one time!
How about shoving it right in?
Now let's pull it out!
And shove it in again!

FZ: Thank you!

FZ: Ah, in the so— in the sound department, could you please put more drums into the monitor system on stage? . . . Ah, now we're gonna do the story of Billy the Mountain. For those of you who don't know already, the story about a mountain that lives in California between the towns of Rosamond and Gorman. These are little towns in the Mojave Desert. Picture if you will a mountain with a shape like this. He goes up on this side. With a little lump on the top. Comes down there's a little area there that sticks out, goes down and his foot is over here. In this area that goes over like that there's a tree growing off of it. The tree's name is Ethell. Ethell is married to Billy the Mountain. They love each other dearly. Billy the Mountain has two big caves for eyes and he has a jaw which is a cliff and it sticks out. And whenever he talks the cliff goes up and down like that and dust puffs out and boulders hack up. This mountain has been living in California for years and years. And he's been ripped off by the commercial establishment because they've been taking pictures of him and making postcards out of that. The mountain has lost all faith in free enterprise until one day a man in a checkered suit drove up in a Lincoln Continental and laid a huge bulging envelope, right at the corner of Billy the Mountain, over there where his foot is supposed to be. And in this envelope was Billy the Mountain's royalties for all of these postcards. Suddenly he was rich. And he told his wife Ethell that they were gonna go on a vacation. All the way from California to New York. So they did. They picked up and started walking. They walked across the United States and they wrecked most of it. However, just outside of Columbus, Ohio, Billy the Mountain received a draft notice. Which is enough to spoil any mountain's vacation. His wife Ethell said she wouldn't let him go.

Howard: "I won't let you go, Billy!"

FZ: And Billy the Mountain hacked up a few boulders and a little dust and covered up the draft notice. Well the government found out about this and was really pissed off about it. So what they did was instead of sending the National Guard because that would be too messy and might attract attention, they sent somebody who is witty, diplomatic, and just a special government emisary. The man's name is Studebaker Hoch and we'll tell you more about him later. This is the overture to "Billy The Mountain."

Mark: There's lots of dancing in this, you know, it's kind of like Broadway or . . . Oh, choreo— We did all our choreography.

FZ: Spring in the Mojave Desert.

Howard: Grow, little trees!

FZ: Little buds pooching out all over the place.

Mark & Howard:

Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethell
A tree
A tree

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy had two big caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
(Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder

Mark: Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big Lincoln Continental, and he laid a huge, bulging envelope right at the corner of Billy the Mountain, right where his foot was supposed to be. Now, Billy the Mountain, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for all of those years, and finally now, at last, his royalties!

Group:
Royalties! Royalties!
Royalties! Royalties!

Mark: Billy the Mountain was rich! His eyeball-caves widened in amazement. His jaw, which was a cliff, dropped thirty feet! A bunch of dust puffed out. Rocks and boulders hacked up (hack! hack! hack!), crushing the Lincoln. Now, the man in the checkered suit, well, he went screaming off into the desert at sunset all the way to Rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car.

Mark & Howard:

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It totalled my car

Oh, do you
Know any trucks might
Be bound for the valley?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar

Mark: By two o'clock, when the bars had closed down, Billy had already broken the big news to Ethell. With rocks and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced . . .

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going on a vacation!

Mark: Yes! And they were going on a vacation. Now, Ethell, oh, just like any little woman, Ethell of course was delighted. She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her (Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me . . . ). Billy told Ethell they were going to . . . They were going to New York!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going to . . . New York!

Mark: But first they would stop in Las Vegas!

Group:

It's off to Las Vegas
To check out the lounges
Pull a few handles
Drink a few beers
(Oh, Ethell!)

Ethell, my darling
You know that I love you
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year
(Oh, neet-o!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year

Mark: They left that night, crunching across the Mojave Desert. Their voices echoing through the canyons of your mind!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?

Mark:
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!

Jim & Howard:
Ah! There's a Howard Johnson's! Wanna eat some clams?

Jim: The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base.

FZ: And to this very day, Wing Nuts and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when Test Stand #1 and the rocket sled itself got lunched by a famous mountain and his small, wooden wife.

Group:

Good bye to Las Vegas
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles
We drank a few beers
(Chug-a-lug-a-lug!)

Guess that George Putnam
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year
(George Putnam!)

Biggest new story
That has broken this year

Mark: Take it away, George!

Jim: Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotics crack-down in Torrance, Hawthorne, and Lomita, will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment, and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the Inland Empire. And it is this reporter's opinion that Ethell is a former communist.

Ian: Within the week . . .

Bob: Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon . . .

Mark & Howard:
Wah wah wah, nice lady!

Jim: To raise funds for the injured . . .

Mark & Howard:
Injured

Jim: And homeless . . .

Mark & Howard:
Homeless

Jim, Mark & Howard:
In Denver

FZ: As Billy had just levelled it.

Mark: And a few miles right outside of town, Billy caused a . . .

Mark & Howard:
Oh! My Papa

Mark: In the Earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps where they keep the . . .

Group:
Pools of old poison gas
And obsolete germ bombs

Mark: Just as a freak tornado cruised through.
My baby! My baby! My baby!

Mark & Howard:
My baby! My baby! My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby . . .

Group:
Ah!

Mark & Howard:
My baby! My baby!

Group:
Ah!

Mark & Howard:
My baby! My baby!

Group:
Ah!

Mark & Howard:
My baby! My baby!

Group:
Ah! Ah!

Mark & Howard:
Oh, my baby! My baby! My baby! My baby!

Group:
Ooh!

Mark: Just sucking up two thirds of it (Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!) for untimely dispersal over vast stretches of . . .

Mark & Howard:
The Mid West!

Mark: Now, it was just outside of Columbus, Ohio, that Billy got his notice to report for his induction, his induction physical. Now, Ethell said she wasn't gonna let him go!

Howard:
I'm not gonna let you go, Billy!

Mark: And George Putnam, the right-wing fascist newscaster from Los Angeles had nothing to say.

Howard: Take it away, George Putnam, the radical right-wing fascist newscaster from California.

Jim: We now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister, that Ethell is still an active communist, and it is this reporter's opinion that she also practices . . .

Howard:
[...]

Jim: Witchcraft!

FZ: It was about this time that the telephone rang in the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself.

Mark: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

FZ: And of course this one man was non other than Studebaker Hoch, low budget hero of the current economic slump. Bring the band on down behind me, boys, and we'll tell you the story of Mr. Hoch.

Howard:
Now some men say he looked like Felix Pappalardi

Mark:
Felix Pappalardi

Howard:
Others say, bullshit, man

Mark:
Others say, bullshit, man

Howard:
He was just born next to the frozen beef pies

Mark:
Born next to the

Howard:
At Gristedes

Mark:
Gristedes market

Howard:
Still others say, no, no, and no again, my friend

Mark:
Others say

Howard:
You see, he was just a crazy Italian

Mark:
He was just a

Howard:
Who drove a red car

Mark:
Crazy Italian

Howard:
Nobody really knew for sure because

Mark:
But nobody knows for sure

Howard:
He was so mysterious

Mark:
He was so

Howard:
Oh yes, he was

Mark:
Mysterious

Howard:
[...]

Mark & Howard:
He was so
Mysterious

Mark:
Yes, he was! Yes, he was!

Mark & Howard:
He was so

Mark:
He was so, he was so

Mark & Howard:

Mysterious

'Cause when a person gets to be
Such a hero, folks
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio
Or what?

FZ: Whether he's really a nice person or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka
All the girls in Flushing
Would be amazed of him

Howard:
Two, three . . .

Mark & Howard:
Amazed of him

FZ: Amazed!

Howard: Say!

FZ: Time passes.

Howard:
January

FZ:
February

Howard:
February

FZ:
May, July . . . November

Jim:
December

FZ:
October

Jim:
February

FZ:
April

Jim:
May

FZ:
1926

Jim:
1950

FZ:
1941

Jim:
1932

FZ:
1911

Howard:
So when the phone rang
(Thank you)
In the secret briefcase

FZ: Thank you.

Howard:
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch

Mark:
And flexy bracelet

Howard:
Grabbed it

Jim:
And answered
In a deep calmly assured voice . . .

Howard: Yes, this is he. Wh— Wha— What? A mountain? With a, with a, with a tree growing off of his shoulder? Oh, man, you're full of shit. Wha—? Well what you want me to d—? Oh, oh, oh, okay, let me, let me write this down anyway. Sort of take a few notes here . . . To New York? My God! Causing untold destruction?

Mark:
My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby! My baby!

Howard:
No! No! No!

Mark:
My baby! My baby! My baby!

Group:
Poo-ahh!

Mark:
My baby! My baby!

Howard: Wanted for draft evasion? Communist bastard. Can I, can I fly there immediately and reason with him? Oh. An expense account? And per diem, too?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could dance

FZ: And he could dance. He certainly could. And as evidence of that fact we have at this time the Studebaker Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance, featuring Aynsley Dunbar.

Group:
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, hey!

FZ: Watch their feet.

Group:
Right hand from the heart
Left hand from the heart

FZ: Good.

Group:
Right hand from the heart

FZ: Right.

Group:

Left hand from the left shoulder
To the heart

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!

FZ: Studebaker Hoch, mysterious, imaginative, homunculus. So many rumours had spread about Studebaker Hoch.

Mark & Howard:
A rumour, a rumour, a rumour, a rumour, a rumour . . .

FZ: Just to give you an idea, somebody told me one time that they thought, or maybe it was just because they read in Rolling Stone, that he could write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin.

Group:
Some men say he could write the Lord's Prayer
On the head of a
Head of a
Head of a pin

Mark: Three Dog Night!

Howard:
Others still maintain the fact
He was born next to the frozen beef pies

Mark & Howard:
And that was the main influence on him

FZ: Beef pie consciousness!

Howard: Hey!

Jim: Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife.

Mark: Who ran a modeling school, whereupon she . . . he ran around the back of the local Macy's to see if he could find himself some big cardboard boxes.

Howard: After which he hit up the nearest A&P for some Kaiser Broiler Foil, some Aunt Jemima Syrup, and a pair of blunt scissors.

Mark: Yes, yes, and in the parking lot, in between a pair of customized trucks, he cut out some really nice wings, and he covered 'em thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil.

Mark & Howard: Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil.

Jim: Then he took those wings he had made and placed one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth.

Mark: He closed the door! And then he pulled down his gray denim bus driver pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima Syrup all over the inside of his legs. Ha ha ha!

Jim: Soon the booth was filling with flies.

Mark & Howard:
Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Jim: He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in.

Mark: Yes! And when he finally got each and every one of those little cock-suckin' flies underneath his boxer shorts, lapping up all that Aunt Jemima Syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said in a clear, impressive voice . . .

Mark & Howard:
New York!

Jim, Mark & Howard:
And the booth
And everything
Lifted up
Out of the parking lot
And into the sky!

Group:

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

He's coating his legs
With Aunt Jemima
Syrup up and down

His shorts'll be filled
With flies that will be
Buzzing all around

Stoodlabaker Hoch
He's really outa sight
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He does it every night
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He treats the flies all right
Stoodlabaker Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen

Fly to New York!

He could be a nark
Or a lady marine

Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old?
Say!
I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

Group:

Fly to New York!

I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

FZ: We join Studebaker Hoch standing on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth, while Billy waits, in the middle of the Garment District.

Howard: Billy? I've come to reason with you. Your great country needs you in the Armed Forces. It's all fair and square. Your number came up. You can't go on running like this forever.

Mark: Ethell shook her twigs angrily, but Studebaker Hoch, un-ferturbed, continued . . .

Howard: Listen, you (cough, cough) . . .

Group: Listen, you communist son-of-a-bitch! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation. And your girlfriend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards, or a dog house. Get the (cough, cough) . . .

Howard: Get the picture?

Mark: Billy just laughed.

Jim & Howard: Ho, ho, ho!

Jim: If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy!

FZ: Unfortunately, because Studebaker Hoch was standing on the edge of Billy the Mountain's mouth. At the precise moment when Billy laughed, Studebaker Hoch lost his footing and fell screaming two hundred feet into the rubble below!

Group: Aaahhhhhhhh . . .

Howard: That's one hundred, you Carnaby cutie, let's hear another set!

Group: Aaahhhhhhhh . . .

Mark: Which only goes to show . . .

Group:

A mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)

Don't fuck with Billy
No, don't fuck with Ethell
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)

Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!

Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!

Mark:
With
Biddilly

Howard:
Biddilly

Ian?:
Biddilly

Bob?:
Biddilly

Jim:
Biddilly

Group:
Biddilly the Mountin-innnnnnn!

FZ: That's right, you heard right! Biddilly the Mountin-inn!

Group:
Biddilly the Mountin-innnnnnn!

FZ: Thank you. Thank you.

FZ: If you'll just be patient for a moment—[...] uh, reorient ourselves for the next piece . . . Okay. This is a conglomerate assembly which begins with a piece called "The Duke," debilitates into an area known as "The Mud Shark Dance Lesson." We're very big on dance lessons tonight. Followed by a scene which takes place in a night club some place on the road where a rock & roll band goes to get laid. (We haven't play this for the whole day, I think I forgot it. That's just to keep attention. Yeah. Here we go.)

Mark: Aynsley Dunbar!

Hoopla!
Oink! Oink!
La la la la . . .
Ah!

Mud Shark . . .

FZ: How true that is. The secret word tonight is Mud Shark, and of course along with the secret word we must have a Secret Mud Shark Arpeggio . . . a marvellous little arpeggio, and now the mating call of the adult male Mud Shark . . .

Out
You go out
So far out
Do the Mud Shark, baby

Group:
No shit!

Mark:
How true that is

Howard:
How true indeed, baby

Mark:
Me and my girlfriend come here every time there's a big rock band
Looking for that hot romance we need
We like to get it on
Do you like to get it on too?
(Three, four, five . . .)

Howard:
What did you have in mind?

Mark:
I'll tell ya
Well I get off bein' juked with a baby octopus
And spewed upon with creamed corn
My girlfriend, she digs it with a hot Yoo-hoo bottle
While somebody's screamin'
"Corks & Safeties!
Pigs & Donkeys!
Alice Cooper," baby
Waaah!

Howard:
Funny you should mention it
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet
With a bullet
Just let me put a little more penguin fin on my beard right now
And you can show me how
A young girl such as you might be
Thrilled and overwhelmed by me, say . . .

Mark:
What Holiday Inn did you say you were staying at?

Howard:
Wanna split right away?

Mark:
Not so fast, you silly boy
There's one thing we wanna say

Group:
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

Howard: Hold it, please! Wait a minute . . . My God! Oh, Madge, Madge, you succulent New York City clit, if only you'd have told me, Madge, I would have understood, but with your blouse on how could I know that you were so obviously . . . pregnant . . .

Howard:
I've got the thing you need
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil-spattered fantasies

Group:
Girls from all over the world
Flock to write my name on the toilet walls
Of the Whisky à Go-Go
For I am Bwana Dik
I am Bwana Dik
Me Bwana Dik
No! Me Bwana Dik
Hey!

Howard:
My dick is a monster
Give me your heart

Group:
Bwana Dik is a legend
Enormous thou art

Howard:
My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Group:
Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

Howard:
My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer, mama
To scream up your slit

Group:
Steam it!
Ream it!
Cream it!

Group:
Mud Shark
Mud Shark

Howard:

You can hear the steam, baby
Now you can hear the screaming steam, no no no
As the reamer steams up the lake
Reenie weenie up to the snake

Wow! In the jungle, baby
Underneath the fucking rubber trees
Little roaches and maggots crawling on your genitals
And I get off with a salamander, baby
Ooh! How'd you like the happening, honey?
Scrape your barnacles off against the palm, mama
Living in the center of it all, baby, right here in the big town
Ooh, carbon monoxide consciousness

Group:
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby
Steam roller
Steam roller

Howard:
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby

Group:
Steam roller
Steam roller

Howard:
I'm talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby

Group:
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby

Howard:
I want somebody to . . .

Group:

Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!

Heal the steam
See the steam
Hear the steam
Feel the steaming
Hot black steaming
Iridescent Naugahyde
Python screaming
Steam roller

Mud Shark

All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence
Of the Latex Solar Beef
All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence
Of the Latex Solar Beef

Steam roller
Steam roller

Howard:
I'm talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby

Group:
Steam roller
Steam roller

Howard:
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby
Little pile music now!

Mark:
Steam . . .

Mark:
Roller, wah!

Howard: Waaah! . . . That's me! That's me, told you. That's me! Oh, you voluptuous Empire State slit! . . . Take me, I'm yours. Fulfill my wildest dreams.

Mark: Oh! Anything for you, my most seductive, seclusive pop star of a man . . .

Howard: Yeah.

Mark: Picture this . . .

Howard: Yeah yeah.

Mark: Bead jobs.

Howard: Oh . . .

Mark: Knotted nylons.

Howard: Oh, fuck . . .

Mark: Bamboo canes!

Howard: No!

Mark: A new recording of a Steve Stills record . . .

Howard: Oh . . .

Mark: Burned, wrapped up and shriveled like it should be until you can't play it anymore!

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Ooh! Three unrecorded albums by Graham Nash when he was still with The Hollies, when he was singing!

Howard: Ah!

Mark: Ooh! I r— uh, a Haleiwa strained poi enchilada wrapped around a little dog with a air-cooled pony harness upon it! Oh, that even got me hot. All this and more, Howie. All this and more!

Howard: Oh . . . I . . . I can't stand it!

Mark: I can see why.

Howard: I, I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! Feet on fire! I'm going home! I'm gonna see my baby! I'm gonna have a soul fire! I can't stand it! I can't stand it, oh, my God! Fucking feet on fire! . . . I can't stand it! . . . Oh, God, I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! Oh! Ooh! Oh oh, no! Not anymore! . . . Oh, I can't stand it . . . Oh, I really can't stand it, please, please, give it to me right now here on the trunk of your Gremlin. Give me the three unplayable Stephen Stills albums!

Mark: Not until you sing me your big hit record! And we wanna hear the big hit record, and we wanna hear you sing the bullet! Na na na na na . . .

FZ: No shit, Howie.

Howard: But . . . The bullet?

Mark: Yeah, the big hit record! The big hit record!

FZ: Yeah, and the bullet.

Mark: The bullet!

Howard: The bullet?

Mark: The bullet is the part that gets me the hottest. Oh, Howie, I'll rip down all my pictures of Alvin Lee, Roger McGuinn . . . I mean, just play me your big hit record. Oh, God, I'd do anything! Anything if you play it, oh . . .

FZ: I wish you would, Howie.

Howard: All right, all right! This is it, honey . . .

Jim: Oh, thank you, oh, thank you.

Howard: You shut up. Bend over and spread 'em. Here comes my bullet.

FZ: We'd like to thank you very much for coming to our concert tonight. I know that ah (uh-hum) in a way it's sad that Bill Graham is closing down the Fillmore, but ah, I'm sure he'll get into something better. And ah, I don't know where we'll be playing when we come to New York the next time. Hope to see you again, boys and girls. It's been lovely, working for you this evening, good night . . .

John (with Mark & Howard):
You know I need you, honey, please don't go

Howard:
Oh, please don't go

Yoko:
No, please don't go

John (with Mark & Howard):
You know I need you, honey, please don't go
You know I love you, honey child
Nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
You know I love you, baby, please don't go, well

Yoko:
Please don't go!

John:
Well

Howard:
Don't go!

John:
. . . baby, please don't go

Mark & Howard:
Baby, please don't go

John (with Mark & Howard):
You know I love you, baby, please don't go

Mark & Howard:
Baby, please don't go

John:
You know I love you, honey child
Nothing I wouldn't do for you right now
Oh, mother! Baby, please don't go

 

 

FZ: Hit it.

Mark & Howard: Hi! This is for the sales personnel at Warner/Reprise!

Howard: Hey! [...] How was that one? [...] Hey hey!

Group:
Eddie, are you kidding
About this Mothers' album . . .

FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Eddie! The new symbolic Warner Bros. star salesman. And here he is . . .

Eddie (Howard): Thank you! Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Eddie. I can really relate to you guys out there, because just like you I've worked my way up through the ranks to get to sell Warner/Reprise product! Right here! Yes! I started out selling suits, out there to the man in the street. And who is better equipped than me to sell records to the man out there in the street, working my way up through the ranks just like you did here at Warner/Reprise! Hey! Now I'll let you in on a little secret. This may help you a lot merchandising this fantastic new product we've got—The Mothers, live, Fillmore East—June 1971. You're actually going to listen to the real sound of my voice on the telephone talking to distributors all around the country. Maybe you can get some ideas.

FZ: And here's how you do it!

Eddie (Howard): Ring ring! Ring ring! Hello, uh, Transfarting Distributors? Yeah yeah. This is Eddie, I'm calling for Frankie. No, not that Frankie. Burbank, from Warner Bros.? Yeah, how's the record doing? No, not Chunga's Revenge. No, not Strangers In The— No. Yeah, the white one with the pencil.

FZ: The pencil front.

Eddie (Howard): The pencil front. Yeah, the Fillm— Next to Ratner's, but down from the Garment Dist— Yeah, how's it—? Yeah? Oh, fantastic! How's, how's Phyllis? Fan— Oh, oh. Little Emil? Okay, kiss 'em for me, huh? You get that champagne I sent for a greasing hype? Yeah, you gonna get rid a few of those albums for me? Thanks a lot. See ya. Ring ring! Ring ring! Hello, Panama Distributors? Yeah. How's the record doing down in South America? Yeah, this is Eddie calling for Frankie. No, not that Frankie. No, not Hot Meat, not Weasels, not Chunga. Yeah, the one out with the pencil front. The pencil front, yes. Next to Ratner's, down the street from the Garment District. How's Ruth? Oh, that's fine! Kiss the kids for me, would ya? Say hello to your mother.

Mark: Where can I go to get the new Mothers' album?

FZ: The name of this song is "Tears Began To Fall."

 

Mark: Okay. Hi e—

FZ: Take 1.

Mark: Take 1. Hi. Hi. Hi everyone is listening. I'm here at the rehearsal hall, uh, The Mothers Of Invention rehearsal hall, along with Don. Don?

Don: Hiya, there . . . gang.

Mark: Don's there, and Ian.

Ian: Hello.

Mark: And Jim.

Jim: Hello.

Mark: And Frank.

FZ: Hiya.

Mark: Howard.

Howard: Hiya.

Mark: Myself, Mark, and Aynsley hasn't come yet. And I'm willing to introduce to you a real good friend, your friend and my, Eddie. And Eddie's gonna do the sell pitch on the album. How about it, Eddie? How good? How can all we pitch it?

Eddie (Howard): Hey . . .

Group:
Eddie, are you kidding
About this Mothers' album . . .

Eddie (Howard): Hiya. Cousin Bruce? Yeah. This is Big Eddie Sincere out here at Warner/Reprise. Yeah. Right on. Honest to God. No shit. Hey, how's it goin', huh? Oh, cool, brother. Hey, listen. You've got that new album I sent ya? The white one? Yeah, the funny looking one with the pencil front? Yeah. Any action on it? Listen, I really think it needs a shot. I mean, these are brothers, you know? They're kids that, that worked their way up from the streets, just like you and I did. Besides I think we've got a hit on that album, I think "The Mud Shark" is, you know, I think it's Top 40. I think it's a record, I think you should run it up the flag pole. I think we can run with it, you know what I mean? Hey, well right on, cousin. Okay. Outa sight. Uptight. Okay. Good night.

Group:
Eddie, are you kidding
About this Mothers' album . . .

Eddie (Howard): Ring ring! Ring ring ring!

Mark: Hey, Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! We got airplay in Cleveland the new Mothers' album.

Eddie (Howard): We got airplay in Cleveland the new—

Mark: We got airplay in Cleveland, we got airplay in Detroit.

Eddie (Howard): Call Cleveland.

Mark: Call Detroit.

Eddie (Howard): You. Give me the phone.

Mark: Okay.

Eddie (Howard): Give me Detroit. Give me Cleveland. Hello. Hello. This The Geator with the Heater? Yeah, yeah. This is Eddie Sincere. Hey, Geator, what's shakin'? Hey, cool, baby. Hey all right. Hey, I hear we're getting some action on the new Mothers' record. Hey, dynamite, baby. I knew you could do it. Hey, how's "The Mud Shark" doing? Kids are bopping to it, right? They're greasing to it, right? 85 on Bandstand pick this week, huh?

Mark: Hey, Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie (Howard): Danceable, huh?

Mark: Hey, Eddie!

Eddie (Howard): Yeah.

Mark: Cousin Brucie just went on "The Mud Shark"!

Eddie (Howard): Cousin Brucie just went just—? Oh, give me Cousin Brucie. Hello, Brucie, baby? Right on, sweetheart, cool, brother. Hey, our brothers made it, huh? The record's happening, huh? Beautiful, Cousin. Hey, beautiful. I'll get right back to you. Hey, fantastic. Fantastic. Anywhere else in the country happening? Let me see that board.

Mark: Chicago!

Jim: Peoria!

Eddie (Howard): Peoria.

Jim: Peoria.

Eddie (Howard): Give me Peoria. Hello, Cousin Schleppy? Hi, Cousin Schleppy. This is, this is— Yes. No, it's not him at all. This is Eddie Sincere. No, I'm calling for Frank. Hey, I really appreciate you guys going on the record. Hey, can I buy you dinner when you come to town this week? Fantastic. I've got this great little intimate place. French cuisine but cheap, you know? I can put it on the card, it's quite okay. Come right over, I'll give you crepe suzettes until you can't— Fantastic. Anywhere else in the country? I'll get back to you. Anywhere else in the country [...]?

Mark: Les Carter [...] played the Mothers' new album!

Eddie (Howard): Les Carter? Give me Les Carter. Hello, Les. Oh, fantastic. Beautiful, man. I heard you're playing the record. You're a brother of mine. I swear to God, man, that's just fantastic. I can't thank you enough because you're really breaking the product here in L.A. And it really needs it, I mean, you know, we're trying to get rid of these white records and the kids are just trying their hardest, man. They're willing to do anything. Got a little pa— party scheduled next week, we'd like you to come along and bring the little woman. Gonna be little canapes, gonna be little snail things, gonna have a little egg thing on the fish. It's gonna be fantastic. We want you to come and bring along your friends. Yes, all on us. Yeah, the Warner Bros. people are springing forward and it's really beautiful. And now friends, after all of this hype, it's time now to just settle down and think about your honest business at hand and to forget all of the bullshit we've been laying on you for these many minutes and to sort of sing seriously the hymn of the sale people here at Warner/Reprise . . .

FZ: The Mothers Of Invention Radio Hype!

Group:
Eddie, are you kidding
About this Mothers' album . . .

Eddie (Howard): "Where can I go to get the Mothers' Fillmore East—June 1971?" Who cares! Ha ha ha ha ha. Listen to me. My friends say, "Eddie, are you kidding?" Now, folks, I am not kidding. This album does not contain James Taylor, Joni Mitchell, Neil Young, Alice Cooper, Ry Cooder, Van Dyke Parks, Van Morrison, Black Sabbath, Jerry Garcia, Little Feat, Captain Beefheart, T-Rex, The Doobie Brothers, Mother Earth, Rod Stewart, or Dee! And I am not kidding. Someone asked me, someone asked me, "Listen, Eddie, Eddie, listen, I read the Circular. You guys, The Mothers are never mentioned in the Circular! Always talking about Joni Mitchell, and Neil Young, and Alice Cooper, and Ry Cooder, and Black Sabbath, and Jerry Garcia, and Little Feat, and The Doobie Brothers, a whole lot of Doobie Brothers, and Mother Earth, you know? All you ever see about The Mothers is that they're playing in some [towering] in some place." Now, Dee, we know all this, Dee's got a hot line phone number, and she listens, she knows what those guys are talking about. You guys never talk about The Mothers. Dee asked me, "Eddie, listen, I was listening to the hot line today—Herbie always makes me listen to the hot line—why doesn't anybody ever say anything about The Mothers new album, Fillmore East—June 1971, Bizarre/Reprise 2024?" She said to me, "Eddie, how do you feel about these Mothers?" And I'll tell you something, friends, I am not kidding. When I first heard about these Mothers I just didn't know. I, I just wasn't sure. I just didn't care and, and I am not kidding. But now, our Warner Bros. warehouses on both coasts are overflowing with what I assure you is the latest and greatest, the largest and finest selection of portlies, longs, extra longs and cadets in this country. My friends ask me, "Eddie, how can you sell $129.35 worth of music on this new Mothers' album from a mere 3.98?" Well I'll tell you something, friends, you can't. It's impossible. But I can guarantee you this, friends, each and every cover is double-knit shrink wrap and in living color and hand drawn by Cal Schenkel. You sales men, you guys out there know, a cover such as this is ugly but it's cheap. Now I could tell you this album contains, whoa, Joe Boyd, Lenny Waronker, Stan Cornyn and Genie, all those heavies, but, that would be like asking Ian Anderson to play the flute with both feet on the ground at the same time.

Mark?: Hah hah hah hah!

Eddie (Howard): But I am not kidding. I am never kidding about Ian Anderson. My friends say, "Eddie, why ever they're able to get this album played on the radio?" And I'll tell you, friends . . .

Group:
Amen!

FZ: We'd like to welcome you to the Farm Show tonight . . . Ready? The n— The name of this song is "Peaches En Regalia."

Tears began to fall
The writing's on the wall
'Cause there was nothing I could say
She took the car and drove away
And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
That's when the tears began to fall
'Cause I ain't got no love at all

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Tears began to fall

And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The stare
The stare

The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour
She finishes her call
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots
Brushes her teeth
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat
It's getting her, getting her hot
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off
A sad but typical case, yeah
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft
She blew it
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah . . .

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

FZ:
That's right! You heard right!
Shove it right in!
And pull it right out!
And shove it in again!

FZ: All right. Here is some old material for you now . . . The name of this song is "I'm Losing Status At The High School."
Mark: Listen! If you know the words, please sing right along 'cause we need lots of help. You don't know the words? Sing anyway. Just . . . Hey . . .

FZ: One, two, three, four . . .

I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school
I was the king of every school activity
But that's no more, oh mama, what will come of me?

The other night we painted posters
We played some records by The Coasters
A bunch of pom-pom girls looked down their nose at me
They had painted tons of posters, I had painted three
I hear the secret whispers everywhere I go
My school spirit is at an all-time low
Oh, no!

Push it back! Push it back!

I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school
Everyone in town knows I'm a handsome football star
I sing and dance and spray my hair and drive a shiny car
I'm friendly and I'm charming, I belong to DeMolay
I'm gonna try like mad to get my status back today

Status back, baby
Status back, baby
Status back, baby
Status back, baby

FZ: The name of this song is "Concentration Moon"!

Concentration Moon
(Over the camp in the valley, come on!)
Over the camp in the valley
(Concentration Moon!)
Oh, what a Concentration Moon
(I wish I was back in the alley)
Wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends
Still running free
Hair growing out
Every hole in me

FZ: Hair growing out every hole in me!

American way
How did it start?
Thousands of creeps
Killed in the park
American way
Try and explain
Scab of a nation
Driven insane
Don't cry
Gotta go bye bye
Suddenly: die die
Cop kill a creep!
Pow! Pow! Pow!

FZ: And speaking of creeps, ladies and gentlemen, here they are, the Sanzini Brothers!
Howard: The Sanzini Brothers!

Mark: Ladies and gentlemen, at this moment in the show I'd like to introduce to you the Sanzini Brothers. On organ, Adolf Sanzini. My brother Rudolph, my brother Pissoff, and me, Jackoff. And our youngest brother, Carl Sanzini, a young lad who has just joined our act. Tonight we are going to perform the death-defying Burning Hoop Trick. Now, Frank has never seen this trick, I guarantee you. We never perform our tricks for Frank to okay 'em because we know he'll hate 'em all. Tonight our brother Carl Sanzini will leap, leap through the hoop of fire! For you! Unsafe! Let's hear it.

Mark: You have to wach this closely! Can everybody—? You have to see. Howard, move! Out of the way.
FZ: Concentrate. Concentrate . . . Tunt-Tunt-Tunt-Tant!

Mark: Okay? Now this is real fire! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Howard: Hey! The Sanzini Brothers!

Mark?: Thank you very much.

Concentration Moon
Over the camp in the valley
Oh, what a Concentration Moon
I wish I was back in the alley
With all of my friends
Still running free
Hair growing out
Every hole in me

FZ: Hair growing out every hole in me one more time!

American way
Threatened by us
Drag a few creeps
Away in a bus
American way
Prisoner: lock
Smash every creep
In the face with a rock
Don't cry
(No no no no)
Don't cry
(No no no, no no no no no)
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Don't shoot, no no no no no
Cop kill a creep!
Rat-tat-tat-tat! Ow!
Cop kill a creep!
Rat-tat-tat-tat! Ah!
Kill another creep!
Ow!
Kill another creep!

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls and boys
You'll sit home and drink all night
They looked too weird, it served them right

Mama! Mama!
Someone said they made some noise
The cops have shot some girls and boys
You'll sit home and drink all night
They looked too weird, it served them right

Ever take a minute just to show a real emotion
In between the moisture cream and velvet facial lotion?
Ever tell your kids you're glad that they can think?
Ever say you loved 'em? Ever let 'em watch you drink?
Ever wonder why your daughter looked so sad?
(So sad!)
It's such a drag to have to love
(To have to love!)
A plastic Mom & Dad

Mama! Mama!
Your child was killed in the park today
Shot by the cops as she quietly lay
By the side of the creeps she knew . . .
They killed her too

My boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble
(Hey-la-day-la, my boyfriend . . . )
If I were you I'd cut out on the double
(Hey-la-day-la, my boyfriend . . . )

Hey! He knows that you've been fuckin'
Hey! He wish that you'd start suckin'
Hey! I wish that you would eat me

My boyfriend's back, he's gonna save my reputation
(Hey-la-day-la, my boyfriend . . . )
If I were you I'd take a permanent vacation
(Hey-la-day-la, my boyfriend . . . )

Hey! I wanna get in between you
Hey! I'd love to eat and steam you
Hey! I wish that you would eat me

FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, Question Mark & The Mysterians come to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania!
Howard: Say!

Too many teardrops
For one heart
To be crying
Too many teardrops
For one heart
(Three Dog Night!)
To carry on

You're going to cry
Tiny sick tears
You're going to cry
Tiny sick tears
Hey! Hit it, baby!

Cry, cry, cry, cry
Cry, cry, cry, cry
Cry, cry, cry
You're gonna . . .

Cry, cry, cry, cry
Cry, cry, cry, cry
Cry, cry, cry, ooh!

Cry, cry, cry, cry
Cry, cry, cry, cry
Cry, cry, cry, ooh!

Cry, cry, cry, cry
Cry, cry, cry, cry
Cry, cry, cry, ooh!

Say!

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah . . .
The vegetable will respond to you
The vegetable will respond to you
Good God! Oh!

Call any vegetable
Pick up your phone
Think of a vegetable
Lonely at home
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah . . .
The vegetable will respond to you
The vegetable will respond to you

FZ: Here's one now.

Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabaga
Rutabay-y-y-y . . .

No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so

Call and they'll come to you
Smiling and covered with dew
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Of responding to you

Standing there shiny
And proud by your side
Holding your joint
While the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable
Something to hide?
To hide!
To hide!
To hide!

FZ: You know, a lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think, "What can I say? What can a person like myself say to a vegetable?" But the answer is simple, my friends, here in the Farm Show. Just call, and tell them how you feel . . . about the important things in life—horse manure and turkey pucky . . . reemie weemie—the important things! Like muffins!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Pumpkins!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Wax paper!
Mark & Howard: Yeah!
FZ: Caledonias, mahogany, elbows! Things in general, and soon, a new rapport! You and all your little— new little green and yellow buddies, grooving together! Maintaining your coolness together! Worshipping together in the church of your choice! Only in America!

God bless America
(Sieg Heil!)
Land that I . . .

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Oh! That the vegetable will respond to you

Mark: Hold it! Hold it!
Howard: Oh no, oh, oh, oh, we came together . . .
FZ: What a pumpkin!

FZ: Thank you!

FZ: The next thing we'd like to play for you is something that's brand new. A new oratorio entitled "Billy The Mountain." This is the story of a mountain who gets rich and walks across America from California to New York and wrecks it. Then, when the government finds out, they send a superhero to take care of him. Remember that Billy the Mountain is shaped like this: he goes up like that. Smoothed off a little bit on the top, like your father's haircut, down here on the shoulder, out like that, and then down. His foot's over here. And this hunch right there, there's a tree stickingup. The tree's name is Ethell. Ethell the Tree is married to Billy the Mountain. Billy has two big caves for eyes and he has a jaw which is a cliff and it sticks out like that, and whenever he talks it goes up and down about thirty feet and dust puffs out going pooh like that, and boulders hack up all over the place. Studebaker Hoch is a completely different story however. I won't tell you anything about his personality until later in the song. We want it to be a big surprise for you now. The overture to "Billy The Mountain"!

Mark: Frank, uh— Now, listen, there's a lot of dancing in this, you know. It's kind of like a Broadway play, you know.

Howard?: Like Hair.

Mark: Just like Hair, really. If you never saw it, you, you'll see what it . . .

Howard: Grow little trees! Ooh . . .

Mark & Howard:

Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethell
A tree
A tree

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy was a mountain
Ethell was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy had two big caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
(Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder
(Hack! Hack!)
Hack up a boulder

Mark: Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a large Lincoln Continental, and he laid a huge, bulging envelope right at the corner of Billy the Mountain, right where his foot was supposed to be. Now, Billy the Mountain couldn't believe it! All of those postcards he'd posed for, for all those years, and finally now, at last, his royalties!

Group:
Royalties! Royalties! Royalties!

Mark: Billy the Mountain was rich! Yes, his eyeball-caves widened in amazement. His cliff, which was his jaw, dropped thirty feet! A bunch of dust puffed out. Rocks and boulders were everywhere. They hacked up, crushing the Lincoln. Now, the man in the checkered suit—you all remember him—well, he went screaming off into the desert, yes, at sunset, all the way to Rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there what had happened to his car!

Mark & Howard:

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It totalled my car

Oh, do you
Know any trucks might
Be bound for the valley?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar

Mark: Now by two o'clock, the bars had already closed down and Billy had already broken the big news to Ethell. With dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced to Ethell . . .

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going on a vacation!

Mark: Yes! And they were going on a vacation. Well, Ethell, you know, just like a woman, Ethell, she was excited. She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told Ethell they were going to . . . They were going to New York!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, we're going to . . . New York!

Mark: But first they would stop in Las Vegas!

Mark & Howard:

It's off to Las Vegas
To check out the lounges
Pull a few handles
Drink a few beers
(Oh, Ethell!)

Ethell, my darling
You know that I love you
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year
(Oh, neet-o!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year

Mark: They left that night, crunching across the Mojave Desert. Their voices echoing through the canyons of your mind!

Jim & Howard:
Ethell, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?

Mark:
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!

Jim & Howard:
Ah! There's a Howard Johnson's! Wanna eat some clams?

Jim: The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base.

FZ: And to this very day, Wing Nuts and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when Test Stand #1 and the rocket sled itself got lunched by a famous mountain and his small, wooden wife.

Mark & Howard:

Good bye to Las Vegas
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles
We drank a few beers
(Chug-a-lug-a-lug!)

Guess that George Putnam
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year
(George Putnam!)

Biggest new story
That has broken this year

Mark: Take it away, George!

Jim: Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotics crack-down in Torrance, Hawthorne, and Lomita, will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment, and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the Inland Empire. But it is this reporter's opinion that Ethell is a former communist.

Ian: Within the week . . .

Bob: Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon . . .

Mark & Howard:
Wah wah wah, nice lady!

Jim: To raise funds for the injured . . .

Mark & Howard:
Injured

Jim: And homeless . . .

Mark & Howard:
Homeless

Jim, Mark & Howard:
In Denver

FZ: As Billy had just levelled it.

Mark: And a few miles right outside of town, Billy caused a . . .

Mark & Howard:
Oh! My Papa

Mark: In the Earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps where they keep the . . .

Mark & Howard:
Pools of old poison gas
And obsolete germ bombs

Mark: Just as a freak tornado cruised through.

Howard:
My baby! My baby!

Mark: Sucking up two thirds of it for untimely dispersal over vast stretches of . . .

Mark & Howard:
The Mid West!

Mark: Yes, now, and it was about this time that Billy received his notice to report for his induction physical. Now, Ethell said she wasn't gonna let him go!

Howard:
I'm not gonna let you go, Billy!

Mark: And George Putnam, the right-wing radical fascist newscaster from Los Angeles said . . .

Howard: Take it away, George Putnam, the radical right-wing fascist newscaster from Los Angeles!

Jim: We now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister, that Ethell is still an active communist, and it is this reporter's opinion that she also practices . . .

Howard:
[...]

Jim: Witchcraft!

FZ: It was about this time that the telephone rang in the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself. That man was Studebaker Hoch. A giant among men, some people say he might have even come from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, we're not sure. But if that gives, gives you any indication of what sort of a person he was, then the rest of this stuff shouldn't be too much of a surprise for ya.

Howard:
Now some men say
He looked like Alice Cooper

Mark:
Alice Cooper

Howard:
Others say

Mark:
Others say

Howard:
You're full of shit, man

Mark:
Born next to the

Howard:
He was born next to the frozen beef pies at the A&P

Mark:
Frozen beef pies

Howard:
Still others say

Mark:
Others say he was just a

Howard:
Nonsense and again, my friend

Mark:
Crazy Italian

Howard:
He's just a crazy Italian
Who drove a red car

Mark:
Yes, nobody knows for sure
He was so

Howard:
You see, nobody really knows for sure
Because he was so mysterious

Mark:
Mysterious

Howard:
He was so

Mark:
He was so, he was so

Mark & Howard:

Mysterious
He was so
Mysterious

'Cause when a person gets to be
Such a hero, folks
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio
Or what?

FZ: Whether he's really a nice person or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka
All the girls in Flushing
Would be amazed of him

Howard:
Two, three . . .

Mark & Howard:
Amazed of him

Howard:
So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch

Mark:
And flexy bracelet

Mark & Howard:
Grabbed it

Jim:
And answered
In a deep calmly assured voice . . .

Howard: Yes, this is he. A, a mountain? With a tree growing off of his shoulder? You're full of shit, man. What the—? You're on acid? It's a— This is really int— Let me write this down. Sort of take a few notes here . . . To New York? Causing untold destruction?

Mark:
My baby! My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby!
My baby! My baby!

Howard: Wanted for draft evasion? Can I fly there immediately and reason with him? An expense account? And per diem, too?

Mark & Howard:
Some men say he could dance

FZ: The Studebaker Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance, featuring Aynsley Dunbar.

Group:

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, hey!

Right hand from the heart
Left hand from the heart
Right hand from the heart
Left hand from the left shoulder
To the heart

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!

FZ: Obviously only a person who can dance like that is capable of dealing with a mountain. Studebaker Hoch was so unique some people even believe that he could write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin.

Group:
Some men say he could write the Lord's Prayer
On the head of a
Head of a
Head of a pin

Mark: Three Dog Night!

Howard:
Others still maintain the fact

Mark: Good God!

Howard: Good God!
He was born next to the frozen beef pies

Mark & Howard:
And that was the main influence on him

FZ: Some people believe he was born next to the frozen beef pies and that was the biggest thing in his life, yuk, yuk.

Jim: Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife.

Mark: Who ran a modeling school, whereupon he . . . he ran around the back of Gimbels to see if he could find himself some big large cardboard boxes.

Howard: After which he hit up the local A&P for some Kaiser Broiler Foil, some Aunt Jemima Syrup, and a pair of blunt scissors.

Mark: Yes, and in the parking lot of that A&P, in between a pair of customized bikes where nobody was looking, he cut himself out a pair of really nice wings, and he covered them thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil.

FZ: One more time!

Mark: Thoroughly with foil! Everyone!

Jim: Then he wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into the telephone booth.

Mark: Now he closed the fucking door! He closed the door. And then he pulled down his green or gray denim policeman type pants, and he, and he spread an even amount of Aunt Jemima Syrup all over the inside of his legs. Oh, God!

Jim: Soon the booth was filling with flies.

Mark & Howard:
Help me! Help me! Help me!

Jim: He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in.

Mark: Yes! And when each and every one of those cock-suckin' flies had pulled up inside his Valentine print boxer shorts, he put his head between his legs and he said to the little flies in a clear, impressive voice . . .

Mark & Howard:
New York!

Jim, Mark & Howard:
And the booth
And everything
Lifted up
Out of the parking lot
And into the sky!

Group:

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

Studebaker Hoch
Yeah, yeah
Studebaker Hoch
Stu-de-baker Hoch!

He's coating his legs
With Aunt Jemima
Syrup up and down

His shorts'll be filled
With flies that will be
Buzzing all around

Stoodlabaker Hoch
He's really outa sight
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He does it every night
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He treats the flies all right
Stoodlabaker Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen

Fly to New York!

He could be a nark
Or a lady marine

Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old?
Say!
I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

FZ: And the one man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction was Studebaker Hoch!

Group:

Fly to New York!

I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause Ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

FZ: Thank you very much for coming to our concert tonight. Good night . . . Thank you! . . . Thank you! Make yourselves comfortable.

FZ: Okay. I think we're going to perform uh . . . Okay, "Willie The Pimp."

I'm a little pimp with my hair gassed back
Pair a khaki pants with my shoe shined black

Got a little lady . . . walk the street
Tellin' all the guys that she cain't be beat

Man in a suit with a bow-tie neck
Wanna buy a grunt with a third party check

Standin' onna corner of the Lido Hotel
Floozies in the lobby love the way I sell

Hot meat
Hot rats
Hot roots
Hot soots
Hot ritz
Hot meat
Hot roots
Hot . . .

Hot meat
Hot rats
Hot roots