200 Motels 50th Anniversary Edition

200 Motels 50th Anniversary Edition

(Frank Zappa, 6 CDs, Zappa Records/UME/MGM ZR20037, December 17, 2021)

disc 1

  1. Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture 1:58
  2. Mystery Roach 2:33
  3. Dance Of The Rock & Roll Interviewers 0:48
  4. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue) 0:55
  5. Tuna Fish Promenade 2:29
  6. Dance Of The Just Plain Folks 4:39
  7. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Reprise) 0:59
  8. The Sealed Tuna Bolero 1:40
  9. Lonesome Cowboy Burt 3:51
  10. Touring Can Make You Crazy 2:52
  11. Would You Like A Snack? 1:23
  12. Redneck Eats 3:02
  13. Centerville 2:31
  14. She Painted Up Her Face 1:41
  15. Janet's Big Dance Number 1:18
  16. Half A Dozen Provocative Squats 1:57
  17. Mysterioso 0:48
  18. Shove It Right In 2:31
  19. Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist & Postlude 3:59
  20. I'm Stealing The Towels 2:14
  21. Dental Hygeine Dilemma 5:12
  22. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? 2:59
  23. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy 3:11
  24. Penis Dimension 4:36
  25. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning 3:28

disc 2

  1. A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes 1:09
  2. Magic Fingers 3:54
  3. Motorhead's Midnight Ranch 1:29
  4. Dew On The Newts We Got 1:09
  5. The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts 0:41
  6. The Girl Wants To Fix Him Some Broth 1:10
  7. The Girl's Dream 0:55
  8. Little Green Scratchy Sweaters & Courduroy Ponce 1:01
  9. Strictly Genteel (The Finale) 11:22
  10. Road Ladies (Alternate Mix) 4:09
  11. What Will This Morning Bring Me This Evening 2:43
  12. What Kind Of Girl Do You Think We Are? 4:52
  13. Bwana Dik 3:06
  14. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy 3:02
  15. Do You Like My New Car? 3:11
  16. Magic Fingers 2:46
  17. Phyllis & Aynsley 1:53
  18. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning (Alternate Mix) 4:03
  19. Tell Me You Love Me (Mix Outtake) 3:07
  20. Road Ladies (Alternate Take) 4:30
  21. What Will This Morning Bring Me This Evening (Studio Outtakes) 2:29
  22. What Will This Morning Bring Me This Evening (Alternate Take, Incomplete) 2:50
  23. "Aynsley Dunbar, Ladies & Gentlemen" 0:46
  24. Magic Fingers (Version B/Mix Outtake) 2:54
  25. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning (Mix Outtake) 3:04
  26. Tell Me You Love Me (Alternate Take) 3:35

disc 3

  1. Scene 1-2: Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture 2:02
  2. Scene 3: "What's The Deal?" 1:59
  3. Mystery Roach 3:32
  4. Scene 32: "It's A Good Thing We Get Paid To Do This…" 2:15
  5. Scene 14: What's The Name Of Your Group? I 0:57
  6. Scene 32: "We Haven't Formed The Group Yet" 1:26
  7. Scene 15: What's The Name Of Your Group? II 1:41
  8. Scene 17: "When Do We Get Paid?" 5:12
  9. Scene 18: Went On The Road 1:42
  10. Scene 19-20: "Special Delivery" 3:11
  11. Scene 21: Centerville 2:08
  12. Scene 21: Janet & Lucy 0:44
  13. Scene 22: This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue) 0:56
  14. Scene 23-24: Tuna Fish Promenade 2:30
  15. Scene 28: The Sealed Tuna Bolero 1:41
  16. Scene 29: Lonesome Cowboy Burt 3:50
  17. Scene 30: JCB & Rance 2:29
  18. Scene 21: Larry The Dwarf 2:11
  19. Scene 81: Magic Fingers 3:53
  20. Scene 47: Larry The Dwarf In The Hotel Room 2:31
  21. Scene 33: The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts 0:31
  22. Scene 40-41: The Girl Wants To Fix Him Some Broth 2:04
  23. Scene 42: Little Green Scratchy Sweaters & Courduroy Ponce 1:01
  24. Scene 45: A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes 1:08
  25. Scene 57: The Perverted Nun 3:27
  26. Scene 87: "Penis!" 3:00
  27. Scene 58: She Painted Up Her Face 1:43
  28. Scene 60: Janet's Big Dance Number 1:13
  29. Scene 61: Half A Dozen Provocative Squats 1:55
  30. Scene 62: Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist 1:20
  31. Scene 63: Shove It Right In 2:32
  32. Scene 67: "I Am Bwana Dik!" 1:46
  33. Scene 68-69: What Will This Morning Bring Me This Evening 2:38
  34. Scene 77: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy 3:19

disc 4

  1. Scene 90: Biff Debris & Jeff 4:38
  2. Scene 84-85: Penis Dimension 4:39
  3. Scene 32: Mystery Roach (Acoustic)/"Yeah? Well Fine!" 1:20
  4. Scene 71: What Will The Evening Bring Me This Morning 1:39
  5. Scene 92: Jeff Flips Out/I'm Stealing The Room 2:55
  6. Scene 100: Strictly Genteel 5:02
  7. Scene 100: 200 Motels Finale 10:12
  8. "I Was Gonna Make A Movie One Time…" 0:20
  9. 200 Motels Movie Ad #1 0:25
  10. What's The Name Of Your Group? (FZ Edit) 2:59
  11. 200 Motels Movie Ad #2 0:56
  12. FZ On Ringo Starr 0:15
  13. Ringo Starr On 200 Motels 2:59
  14. 200 Motels Movie Ad #3 0:54
  15. Motorhead's Midnight Ranch (Mix Outtake) 1:31
  16. Looking For Newts 3:21
  17. "They Are Only In It For The Money" 1:09
  18. 200 Motels Movie Ad #4 0:26
  19. 200 Motels Commercial Session Outtakes 10:41
  20. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? (Mix Outtake) 2:26
  21. "I Shall Ruin All The Tapes" 0:25
  22. Janet's Big Dance Number (Basic Tracks) 1:20
  23. Martin Lickert Voice-Over 0:22
  24. Touring Can Make You Crazy (Mix Outtake) 2:53
  25. Penis Dimension (Instrumental Alternate Take) 2:12
  26. Centerville (Mix Outtake) 2:51
  27. Mystery Roach (Alternate Master) 3:26
  28. Magic Fingers (Mix Outtake) 2:58
  29. 200 Motels Movie Ad #5 0:55

disc 5

  1. What Is 200 Motels? 2:58
  2. Theodore Bikel Voice-Over (Alternate Take) 0:32
  3. Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture (Mix Outtake) 2:09
  4. What's The Name Of Your Group? (Complete Sequence, Part I) 3:42
  5. What's The Name Of Your Group? (Complete Sequence, Part II) 2:45
  6. What's The Name Of Your Group? (Complete Sequence, Part III) 2:13
  7. Can I Help You With This Dummy? 2:05
  8. Pianos For The Pleated Gazelle 1:16
  9. Synth Tracks I 1:29
  10. Would You Like A Snack? (Alternate Take) 2:10
  11. Howard Kaylan/Mark Volman Voice-Over 0:15
  12. Centerville (Rough Mix) 2:53
  13. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue, Mix Outtake) 0:56
  14. Tuna Fish Promenade (Mix Outtake) 2:30
  15. The Sealed Tuna Bolero (Alternate Take) 1:41
  16. Lonesome Cowboy Burt (Mix Outtake) 3:52
  17. Naval Aviation In Art? 2:17
  18. Redneck Eats/The Restaurant Scene (Basic Tracks) 3:50
  19. Mystery Roach (Basic Tracks) 4:06
  20. I Have Seen The Pleated Gazelle 6:15
  21. Dew On The Newts We Got (Rough Mix) 1:11
  22. The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts (Rough Mix) 0:52
  23. Motorhead's Midnight Ranch (Rough Mix) 2:03
  24. The Girl Wants Fix Him Some Broth (Rough Mix, Alternate Ending) 1:11
  25. The Girl's Dream (Rough Mix) 0:55
  26. Little Green Scratchy Sweaters And Courduroy Ponce (Rough Mix) 1:15
  27. Scene 43—A Cardboard Box 0:38
  28. Scene 44 0:50
  29. A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes (Rough Mix) 1:10
  30. She Painted Up Her Face (Compressed Mix) 1:42
  31. The Secret Stare 3:24
  32. Half A Dozen Provocative Squats (Compressed Mix) 1:56
  33. Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist (Basic Tracks) 1:31
  34. Shove It Right In (Compressed Mix) 2:32
  35. Postlude (Basic Tracks) 3:08
  36. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning (Mix Outtake) 4:06

disc 6

  1. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy (Alternate Take) 3:15
  2. Magic Fingers (Alternate Take) 3:41
  3. Penis Dimension (Basic Tracks) 4:39
  4. Scene 86 1:28
  5. Scene 87 (Alternate Take) 3:15
  6. Synth Tracks II 1:58
  7. I'm Stealing The Towels (Basic Tracks, Alternate Take) 2:14
  8. Scene 94—"He's Always Watching Me" 0:34
  9. Dental Hygiene Dilemma (Part I, Basic Tracks) 6:20
  10. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? (Mix Outtake) 0:53
  11. Dental Hygiene Dilemma (Part II, Basic Tracks) 2:43
  12. Strictly Genteel (Basic Tracks) 8:04
  13. 200 Motels Finale (Alternate Take) 3:16
  14. 200 Motels Finale (Master Take Basic Tracks, Unedited Ending) 5:59
  15. Movie Theater Skit (Commercial Session Outtake) 1:28
  16. 200 Motels Album Ad #1 1:00
  17. Script Rehearsal Trim 2:50
  18. Lonesome Cowboy Burt (In Rehearsal 1969) 2:56
  19. Lonesome Cowboy Burt (In Rehearsal 1970) 3:37
  20. 200 Motels Album Ad #2 0:31
  21. Penis Dimension Jingle Music 0:17
  22. TV Hype (Commercial Session Outtake) 6:35
  23. 200 Motels Movie Ad #6 0:10

Produced for release by Ahmet Zappa & Joe Travers
Digital transfers, sequence & editing by Joe Travers
Original soundtrack album remastered by Bernie Grundman, Bernie Grundman Mastering, 2021
Al vault material mastered by John Polito, Audio Mechanics, 2021
Box set package design & art restoration: Michael Mesker
Production management: Melanie Starks
Munchkin Music: Holland Greco
Liner notes: Pamela Des Barres, Ruth Underwood, Joe Travers, Patrick Pending

Pinewood Studios, London, UK
January 28-February 5, 1971

Overdubs at Whitney Studios, L.A.
Spring-Summer 1971

Produced by Frank Zappa

Live recording facilities: The Mobile Rolling Stones
Live recording engineer: Bob Auger
Overdub & re-mix engineer: Barry Keene
Reduction facilities: Whitney Studios
Road manager: Dick Barber
Technicians: Paul Hoff & Dave O'Neil

Original album package & book design: Cal Schenkel
Original cover/poster design & illustration: Dave McMacken

The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra conducted by Elgar Howarth

FZ—guitar & bass
Mark Volman—vocals & special material
Howard Kaylan—vocals & special material
Ian Underwood—keyboards & winds
Aynsley Dunbar—drums
George Duke—keyboards & trombone
Martin Lickert—bass
+
Jimmy Carl Black—vocal on "Lonesome Cowboy Burt"
Ruth Underwood—orchestra drum set
Jim Pons—voice of the "Bad Conscience"
+
Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals (1970)

The Top Score Singers conducted by David Van Asch
Phyllis Bryn-Julson—soprano
Classical Guitar Ensemble supervised by John Williams
Narrated by Theodore Bikel

Other voices:
Phyllis Altenhaus
Ringo Starr as Larry The Dwarf
Pamela Des Barres
Motorhead Sherwood
Don Preston
Dick Barber
Lucy Offerall
Janet Neville-Ferguson
Keith Moon as The Hot Nun
Mike Cole
Simon Prentis
Gail Zappa
Tony Palmer

The Mothers Of Invention (1969):
Jimmy Carl Black—vocals
FZ—guitar & vocals
Lowell George—guitar & vocals
Ian Underwood—keyboards & winds
Don Preston—keyboards
Roy Estrada—bass & vocals
Buzz Gardner—trumpet
Bunk Gardner—sax
Motorhead Sherwood—baritone sax
Arthur Dyer Tripp III—drums

 

disc 1

1. Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture 1:58

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies and gentlemen

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels

Theodore Bikel:
Two Hundred Motels
Life on the road!

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies and gentlemen!
And here he is!

Chorus:
Who?

Theodore Bikel:
Larry the Dwarf!

Chorus:
Yay!

Theodore Bikel:
Larry likes to dress up funny. Tonight he's dressed up like Frank Zappa. Let's ask him what's the deal.

2. Mystery Roach 2:33

Say!

Look out!
Look out!
Look out!

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach be arrivin' soon
Yea-ooh, yea-ooh, yea-ooh, yea-ooh

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach been gone
Yea-oooh
Yea-oooh

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Hi, all you people out there watching the movie!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Howard:
Ah! Hold it! Wait a minute!
Stop the music!
Please . . .
Hold it!
Wait a minute!
Ah . . .
What are we singing about?
Mystery roach?
Flipping out!

3. Dance Of The Rock & Roll Interviewers 0:48

 

4. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue) 0:55

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
I think we played this one before

5. Tuna Fish Promenade 2:29

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a place for us to play
To help us pay
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.

All the people in the sandwich town
Think the place is great!
What if part of it's crumblin' down?
Most of them prob'ly won't be 'round

They'll either be dead
Or move to San Francisco
Where everybody thinks they're heavy business

But it's just a tuna sandwich
From another catering service

6. Dance Of The Just Plain Folks 4:39

 

7. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Reprise) 0:59

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
They're always such a fucking bore

I can't wait till we blow this town and work a place with some local hot action!

8. The Sealed Tuna Bolero 1:40

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued
(With the wrapper glued)
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a rancid little snack
In a plastic pack
From a matron in La Habra with a blown-out crack
Who dies to suck the fringe off of Jimmy Carl Black!

9. Lonesome Cowboy Burt 3:51

My name is Burtram
I am a redneck
All my friends
They call me Burt
(Hi, Burt!)
All my family
From down in Texas
Make their livin'
Diggin' dirt

Come out here
To Californy
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
Ones I seen
Gets me so horny
Ruby lips
'N teeth like pearls

Wanna love 'em all
Wanna love 'em dearly
Wanna pretty girl
I'll even pay
I'll buy 'em furs
I'll buy 'em jewelry
I know they like me
Here's what I say

I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee . . .

(He's Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt)
Come on in this place
And I'll buy you a taste
You can sit on my face
Where's my waitress?

Burtram, Burtram Redneck
Burtram, Burtram Redneck

I'm an awful nice guy
Sweat all day in the sun
Roofer by trade
Quite a bundle I've made
I'm a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun)

When I get off, I get plastered
Drink till I fall on the floor
Find me some Communist bastard
'N stomp on his face till he don't
Move no more
(He stomps on his face till he don't
Move no more)

I fuss an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin'
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red
I drool on m'shirt
I see if he's hurt
Kick him again in the head (Let's)
Kick him again in the head (Boys)
Kick him again in the head (Now)
Kick him again in the head

Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee . . .

(He's Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelin's hurt)
Yeah, but come on in this place
And I'll buy you a taste
And you can sit on my face
Where's my waitress?

Opal, you hot little bitch!

10. Touring Can Make You Crazy 2:52

 

11. Would You Like A Snack? 1:23

Went on the road
For a month touring
What a drag
You've gotta go
Even if you'd rather be at home
Flaked out in Hollywood
Drove to Inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit into the plane at five o' three
What's it gonna be?
Chicken, beef or turkey?
La la la la
Would you like a snack?

12. Redneck Eats 3:02

JCB:
Hey, who are these dudes?
Are you a boy?
Or a girl?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

Chorus:
Or a turkey?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
What the fuck was that?
Wonder if that son of a bitch can play somethin' I might even like.

Chorus:
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
Hey twerp! Play me somethin' I can enjoy!

13. Centerville 2:31

Centerville
A real nice place to raise your kids up

Centerville
It's really neat!

Churches!
Churches!
And liquor stores!

14. She Painted Up Her Face 1:41

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The stare
The stare

The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

15. Janet's Big Dance Number 1:18

 

16. Half A Dozen Provocative Squats 1:57

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour
She finishes her call
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots
Brushes her teeth
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat
It's getting her, getting her hot
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off
A sad but typical case, yeah
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft
She blew it
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah . . .

17. Mysterioso 0:48

 

18. Shove It Right In 2:31

includes a quotation from She Loves You (Lennon/McCartney)

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in
(She dances, she prances, she dances, she prances . . .)
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

19. Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist & Postlude 3:59

 

20. I'm Stealing The Towels 2:14

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-Toon Ran-Tan Na-Na Hanninnn
Two Hundred Motels

Jeff (Howard):
I'm stealing the towels

21. Dental Hygiene Dilemma 5:12

Jeff (Howard):
Ha-Nin-Noon-Toon Han-Toon-Han

Good Conscience (Mark):
No, Jeff!

Jeff (Howard):
Tan-Toon-Ran-Toon-Man-Toon-Frammin
Han-Toon-Ran-Toon-Han-Toon-Frammin

Good Conscience (Mark):
No no no!

Jeff (Howard):
Man! This stuff is great! It's just as if Donovan himself had appeared on my very own TV with words of peace, love and eternal cosmic wisdom! Leading me, guiding me on paths of everlasting pseudo-karmic negligence in the very midst of my drug-induced nocturnal emission.

Good Conscience (Mark):
For I am your good conscience, Jeff. I know all, I see all, I am a cosmic love pulse matrix becoming a technicolor interpositive.

Jeff (Howard):
Heh? Where'd you buy that incense? It's hip.

Good Conscience (Mark):
It's the same and mysterious exotic oriental fragrance as what The Beatles get off on.

Jeff (Howard):
I thought I recognized it. Mmmm, what is that? Musk?

Good Conscience (Mark):
Jeff, I know what's good for you.

Jeff (Howard):
Right. You're heavy.

Good Conscience (Mark):
Yes, Jeff. I am your guiding light. Listen to me. Don't rip off the towels, Jeff!

Bad Conscience (Jim):
Piss off, you little nitwit.

Jeff (Howard):
Hey man! What's the deal?

Good Conscience (Mark):
Don't listen to him, Jeff. He's no good. He'll make you do bad things!

Jeff (Howard):
You mean he'll make me sin?

Good Conscience (Mark):
Yes, Jeff . . . sin.

Jeff (Howard):
Wow!

Bad Conscience (Jim):
Jeff, I'd like to have a word with you . . . about your soul . . .

Good Conscience (Mark):
No! Don't listen, Jeff!

Bad Conscience (Jim):
Why are you wasting your life night after night playing this comedy music?

Jeff (Howard):
You're right. I'm too heavy to be in this group.

Bad Conscience (Jim):
Comedy music . . .

Good Conscience (Mark):
Jeff! Your soul!

Chorus:
You're wasting your life
You're much too heavy, Jeff
To be . . .

Jeff (Howard):
In this group all I ever get to do is play Zappa's comedy music. He eats!

Good Conscience (Mark):
Jeff!

Jeff (Howard):
I get so tense

Bad Conscience (Jim):
Of course you do, my boy

Jeff (Howard):
The stuff he makes me do
Is always off the wall!

Bad Conscience (Jim):
That's why it would be best
To leave his stern employ

Jeff (Howard):
And quit the group

Bad Conscience (Jim):
You'll make it big!

Jeff (Howard):
That's right!

Bad Conscience (Jim):
Of course!

Jeff (Howard):
And then I won't be small!

Chorus:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha
He-he-he-he-he
Ho ho ho ho

Jeff (Howard):
Heh heh heh . . . Cough cough . . . Ahmet Ertegun used this towel as a bath mat six weeks ago at a rancid motel in Orlando, Florida, with the highest mildew rating of any commercial lodging facility within the territorial limits of the United States, naturally excluding tropical possessions . . . mmmjigspffftgmmd . . . It's still damp! What an aroma! This is the best I ever got off. What can I say about this elixir? Try it on steaks, cleans nylons, small craft warnings. It's great for the home, the office. On fruits!

Bad Conscience (Jim):
This is the real you, Jeff. Rip off a few more ashtrays. Get rid of some of that inner tension. Quit the comedy group! Get your own group together! Heavy! Like Grand Funk. Or Black Sabbath.

Good Conscience (Mark):
No, Jeff!

Jeff (Howard):
Or Coven!

Good Conscience (Mark):
Peace! Love!

Bad Conscience (Jim):
Bollocks!

Jeff (Howard):
What can I say about this elixir?

Howard:
Jeff has gone out there on that stuff.

Good Conscience (Mark):
He should have never have used the elixir and only stuck to the incense. Oh, Atlantis!

Mark:
That was Billy The Mountain dressed up like Donovan fading out on the wall mounted TV screen. Jeff is flipping out. Road fatigue. We've gotta get him back to normal before Zappa finds out and steals it and makes him do it in the movie!

Bad Conscience (Jim):
You have a brilliant career ahead of you, my boy. Just get out of this group!

Mark:
Howard! That was Studebaker Hoch dressed up like Jim Pons giving career guidance to the bass player of a rock-oriented comedy group. Jeff's imagination has gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension!

Howard:
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, The Phlorescent Leech!

Mark:
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, Eddie!

Jeff & Mark:
Wow! What can I say about this elixir?

Mark:
Well, put it on your steaks, uh send it overseas [for . . . killing ground], and put it on your surfboard you won't slip off, try it on your [...], and on the, the red balloons, you can blow up all balloons with it, put it on your . . . heh . . . on . . . on your pizzas, put it on your shoes, tie your bike with it, and fill up your tires with it . . .

Howard:
Use it to clean your swimming pool, sell it to your mother and tell her it's a Rit tie-dye kit you won't even believe what'll happen when you starch your shirt with it, ironing goes easier, and your car windows never looked better in your whole life, ladies and gentlemen, you can inhale it and it makes your voice three keys higher, and you can't even stand what happens when you put it in your hair, as hair tonic, heh heh, and if you ever tried it as a . . .

Jim Pons:
Soak your shirts in it, soak your teeth in it, let it play the piano, tow it up around the block, wear it instead of jeans, bathe your puppies with it, feed it to your ducks, use it instead of chlorine in your swimming pool, breathe it, rub it . . .

Group:
What
(Wow!)
What can I
(Wow!)
What
What can I say about this
(Wow!)

22. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? 2:59

includes a quotation from Hip Hug-Her (Cropper/Dunn/Jackson/Jones)

Mark & Howard:
Dwee Do Dee-oo-Poo Framminnn!
Han-ninatt
Han-ninatt . . .

Jeff (Howard):
Does this kind of life look interesting to you? Night after night, dinners with Herb Cohen, thrill-packed fun-filled evenings on the French Riviera at the Midem convention, a fake tie, the whole bit, watch Mutt eat and Leon feed the geese, one thousand green business cards with your name and the wrong address plus six royalty statements inspected and customized by Ran Toon Tan, Han Toon, Frammin and Dee, followed by twelve potential suicides as the members of your group, past and present, find out they can't collect unemployment, a dog, a car, an epidemic of body lice with your own record company, your name on the door, electric buzzer to the inner office and Ona's tits and a three month supply of German bookings with tickets on Air Rangoon? Does this kind of life look interesting to you, as a fake rock & roll guitar player in a comedy group?

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-Toon Ran-Tan Na-Na-Hamninn
Two Hundred Motels

Jeff (Howard):
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the room

Chorus:
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the . . .
I'm stealing the room
Stealing
I'm stealing the . . .
I am . . . mmm
Steel
I am steel
Steel
S-s-steel
I am steel
Steel

23. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy 3:11

includes a quotation from Tell Me You Love Me

Ooh, do you like my new car?
Ooh, do you like my new car?

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off

She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

That she knows what she wants
Knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
She's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
And she drove to the club
You know that her and her partner
Came here lookin' for love
They want a guy from a group
Got a thing in the charts
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna?
Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna?)
Know what they like
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna?
Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna?)
Daddy, daddy, daddy
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it?)
Daddy, daddy, daddy
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it?)
Daddy, daddy, daddy
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it?)
Look out
They got their eyes on you

Fam-bam-yak-a-ta-tah!

They know what they want
They know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night
Screamin' all night

Ooh, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
(It's a Bentley!)
Ooh, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
(It's a Cooper!)
Ooh, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
(It's a Chevy!)
Ooh, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
(Or a Lincoln!)
Ooh, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
([...])
Ooh, do you . . .

24. Penis Dimension 4:36

Penis dimension!
Penis dimension?
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan?
That the size of your cock
Is not monstrous enough

No!

It's your penis dimension
Penis dimension

Mark:
Hiya, friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possibility that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of subconscious tension? Weird twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A Jesuit Monk! A rock & roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or, in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone beef-up, they become writers of hot books . . .

Howard:
"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim . . ."

Mark:
Yes, or they become Carmelite Nuns . . .

Howard:
". . . Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit . . ."

Mark:
. . . Or race horse jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the troubles of the world!

Howard:
Right on! Right on!

Mark:
Now, if you are a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school . . .

Mark & Howard:
"Anything over a mouthful is wasted!"

Mark:
Yes, and isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool—I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool—and somebody hits on you one night and he looks you up and down and he says . . .

Howard:
"Eight inches or less?"

Mark:
Well, let me tell you brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonafabitch right between the eyes and you got to tell him these words . . .

25. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning 3:28

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight
(If things go all right)

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight?
(Will she be outa sight)

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning

A succulent fat one?
A mod little flat one?
Maybe a hot one
To give me the clap
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever . . .
(What will I say . . .)

disc 2

1. A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes 1:09

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Why don't you strap on
This here bunch
Of cardboard boxes, daddy-o
(Joy of my desiring)
You'll certainly look suave
And get me hot
Hot
Hot
Get me hot and horny

Chorus:
Ah oo
Doo wah doo wah doo wah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
If there's one thing I really get off on

Chorus:
YOINNGG!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes
Some old melodies
Four-four
An aura . . .
An areola . . .
Pink gums . . .
Stumpy gray teeth . . .
Dental floss
Gets me hot
Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie?

2. Magic Fingers 3:54

Ooh, the way you love me, lady
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
Well, you know I do, babe

Mark:
Well, tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Or I'll dress up and go!

Howard:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Don't you treat me cold

Howard:
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

Well, there are a lot of reasons why I'd, I'd drag a girl such as yourself back to this plastic hotel room and rip you off for spare change to run a, to run a vibrating machine attached to this queen-sized bulk-purchase kapok-infested do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law type bed and, and make you take off all your little clothes until you were nearly stark raving nude—save for your chrome-with-heavy-duty-leather-thong Peace Medallion—and make you assume a series of marginally erotic poses involving a plastic chair and an old guitar strap while I did a wee-wee in your hair and beat you with a pair of tennis shoes I got from Jeff Beck.

3. Motorhead's Midnight Ranch 1:29

Cough!

4. Dew On The Newts We Got 1:09

Dew
On the newts we got
Newt money due
It's a payment on the rental
For the dewy little newts
We got

We got 'em dewy
Left 'em in the yard all night
Hope they didn't get uptight

The little vixens
The saucy little vixens
I hope they didn't get pissed off

I hope
That they
Did not
Did not
I hope
That they
Did not
Dash off
Into the night!

5. The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts 0:41

Blorp!

Blorp
Tss

The lad searches the night for his newts

Blorp!

Tsss-t

Blorp

6. The Girl Wants To Fix Him Some Broth 1:10

Narrator:
The girl wants to fix him some broth

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Tinsel cock

Chorus:
Doo-wee-doo
Tinsel cock my baby

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Would you like some broth?

Narrator:
Some nice soup

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Some hot broth?

Chorus:
Yum!

Narrator:
Small dogs in it

Chorus:
Doggies

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Do ya?

Narrator:
You like broth?

Chorus:
Doo wad'n' um

Narrator:
Dog broth?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot broth?

Chorus:
Hot dog broth

Narrator:
You like
Dog broth hot?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot dog debris?

Chorus:
Debris!

Narrator:
How d'ya like it?

Chorus:
Dog breath?
Dog broth?
Dog breath broth?

Narrator:
Debris?
Of the four styles offered:
Debris, broth, breath
And the ever popular, hygienic
European version
Tinsel cock!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson & Chorus:
Tinsel cock

Narrator:
Which do you choose?

7. The Girl's Dream 0:55

Narrator:
The girl

Chorus:
Duh girl wants ta fix him some broth

Narrator:
In a statement to the press

Chorus:
D-d-d-duhhh

Narrator:
Explains . . .

8. Little Green Scratchy Sweaters & Courduroy Ponce 1:01

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Broth reminds me of nuns

Chorus:
Nuns
Nuns
Nuns

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
I see them smashing

Chorus:
Kids

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
With rulers

Chorus:
Bap!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Disciplining munchkin cretins
Tortured munchkins
Tortured munchkins

Chorus:
Munchkin cretins
Munchkin victims

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Irish Catholic victims
Little green scratchy sweaters

Chorus:
Sweaters

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Little green scratchy ones

Chorus:
Corduroy pants

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Brown corduroy pants

Chorus:
Doo ah
Doo ah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Corduroy pants
An' green scratchy
Munchkin Irish Catholic victims

Chorus:
Munchkins
Munch-a-kins

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Munchkins get me hot

Chorus:
Oo ah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Munchkins get me get me ee
Oo ah ee oo

Narrator:
Hot!
Gets her real hot!

9. Strictly Genteel (The Finale) 11:22

includes a theme from Inca Roads, a quotation from Rock Of Ages (Toplady/Hastings) and The Finale

Theodore Bikel:
This, as you might have guessed, is the end of the movie. The entire cast is assembled here at the Centerville Recreational Facility to bid farewell to you and to express thanks for your attendance at this theater. This might seem old fashioned to some of you, but I'd like to join in on this song. It's the kind of a sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie. It's the kind of a song that people might sing to let you in the audience know that we really like you, we care about you, yeah. Understand how hard it is to laugh these days with all the terrible problems in the world.

Lord have mercy on the people in England
For the terrible food these people must eat
(Aaaarr . . . Excuse me a minute.)
And may the Lord have mercy on the fate of this movie
And God bless the mind of the man in the street

Chorus:
Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen
Through the terrible functions they all must perform
God help the winos, the junkies and the weirdos

Soprano:
And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm

Group & Chorus:
Help everybody so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend
Some real satisfaction

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
A room and a meal and a garbage disposal
A lawn and a hose'll be strictly genteel

Group:
Reach out your hand to the girl in the dog book
The girl in the pig book and the one with the horse
Make sure they keep all those businessmen happy
And the purple-lipped censors and the Germans of course

Group & Chorus:
Help everybody so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend
Some real satisfaction

Group:
A Swedish apparatus with a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven, honey, how do it feel?

Group:
Lord have mercy on the hippies and faggots
And the dykes and the weird little children they grow

Help the black man
Help the poor man
Help the milk man
Help the door man
Help the lonely neglected old farts that I know

Theodore Bikel:
It's been swell having you with us tonight, folks!

Mark:
But don't leave the theater yet 'cause there's still more to come. But before we go on, I want to introduce to you my friend and musical associate, Howard Kaylan, who's going to give us all a final closing benediction . . .

Howard:
They're gonna clear out the studio
They're gonna tear down all the . . .
They're gonna whip down all the . . .
They're gonna sweep out all the . . .
They're gonna pay off all the . . .

Mark:
Oh, yeah!

Group:
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .

Howard:
Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
Talkin' 'bout every one of our lovely and talented dancers
Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men
Camera men
The make-up men

Mark:
The fake-up men

Howard:
Yeah, the rake-up men

JCB:
Especially Herbie Cohen, yea-oooh . . .

Mark:
They're all gonna rise up!

Howard:
They're gonna jump up
I said jump up
Talkin' 'bout jump right up on off the floor
Jump right up and hit the door

Mark:
They're all gonna rise up and jump off!

Group:
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home

Howard:
And once again
Take themselves
Seriously

Group:
Yeah!

Howard:
Two, three, four, seriously!

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home

Group:
Through the driving sleet and rain

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home

Group:
Through the fog
Through the dust
Through the tropical fever
And the blistering frost

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home

Howard:
And get out of it as they can be, baby

Mark:
And the same goes for me

JCB:
Well, the same goes for me

Group:
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

Howard:
And each and every member of this rock oriented comedy group in his own special way
Gonna get out of it as he can be

Group:
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted

Howard:
And I am definitely gonna get reamed
'Cause I'm such a lonely
I'm such a lonely
A lonely, lonely
Talkin' 'bout a lonely guy!

Oh, and I know tonight, I am definitely . . .
I am positively . . .
I just have to get . . .

Group:
Bent, reamed and wasted!

JCB & Group:
A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey!

Howard:
He's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't do it if it weren't for this. You noticed, all through this material, I've been glancing over toward my left? Well, I'll tell you the reason for that, ladies and gentlemen. He is over there. He is over on the left. He is the guy that is making me do all this shit. Right over there. Now all through this movie, every time we've been on stage, I've had to look over in that direction, right? You saw it. You know. Well that's 'cause he's over there. I've got to watch him for time. He jumps up and down like a jackass. I can't even believe the guy sometimes. But we gotta watch him. "After all," we said, "it's Frank's movie." Now, we're The Mothers, but it's still Frank's movie, you understand? He got the bread for this, he rented the studio, had all these cheesy sets painted. It's so moche! I can't even stand it . . . Here we are. He's telling everybody, right now, right over there, to . . .

10. Road Ladies (Alternate Mix) 4:09

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Don't it ever get lonesome?
(Yeah! Sure gets lonesome . . .)
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on the road?
(Oh, there was one time in Minneapolis . . . I thought I had the clap for sure)
Don't it ever get lonesome?
(Lonesome ain't the word)
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on a thirty day tour?
(Oh, tell it like it was, Frank!)
You got nothing but groupies and promoters to love you
And a pile of laundry by the hotel door

Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever give a young man the blues?
Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever make a young man wanna go back home?
When the P.A. system eats it
And the band plays some of the most terriblest shit you've ever known

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot from the doctor?
What the Road Ladies do to you!

I know someday I will never
I'll never go out on the road again, oh, yeah . . .
I know someday I will never
I ain't gonna roam the countryside
No more
I'm gonna hang up them ol' Holiday Inns, yeah
And heal my knees up
From when I was doin' it on the floor
See me doing it
See me doing it on the floor
Oh no, nobody go there

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot from the doctor?
What the Road Ladies do to you!

11. What Will This Morning Bring Me This Evening 2:43

includes a quotation from New York, New York (Bernstein/Comden/Green)

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
Some local hot action
Before we are leaving

Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found
In the town your band been
Booked to play in
It's always a little bit harder
To score if it's just your first time
In a town you never hit before

If you played in it once
And got laid
You've got it made
Oh, got it made, oh!
If it's just your first time
Then you know it's no fun
To go back to a plastic hotel all alone

Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found

Mark: A partial list of clubs and bars to go get laid while you're on the road:

Mark & Howard: Nobody's.
Jeff: New York City.
Mark & Howard: Paradisio.
Jeff: Amsterdam, Netherlands.
Mark & Howard: Club Voom Voom.
Jeff: Vienna, Austria.
Howard: Oh, Vienna in the Spring!
Mark & Howard: The Whisky à Go-Go.
Jeff: City of The Angels.
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Jeff: San Antonio, Tejas.
Mark & Howard: Max's Kansas City.
Jeff: New York City.
Howard: "New York, New York, it's a wonderful town!"

12. What Kind Of Girl Do You Think We Are? 4:52

includes a quotation from Daddy, Daddy, Daddy which includes a quotation from Tell Me You Love Me

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Howard & Mark:
Hold it!

Howard:
What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?

Mark:
I left my place after midnight
I came to the club
Me and my partner came here
Looking for love

Howard:
You came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin'-est place in Butte, Montana

Group:
No shit!

Mark:
How true that is

Howard:
How true indeed

Mark:
I come here all the time
To get the hot romance I need
We like to get it on
Do you like to get it on too?

Howard:
Well, what did you have in mind?

Mark:
Well I get off bein' juked with a baby octopus
Or spewed upon with creamed corn
And my girlfriend Jeff digs it with a hot 7-Up bottle
While someone's yelling
"Corks & Safeties!
Corks & Safeties!
Corks & Safeties!"
Yeah

Jeff:
That gets me so hot I could scream, yeah

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties
Ooooh . . .

Jeff:
Oh-ooh-wow! Yeah-hey!

Group:
Corks & Safeties
Corks & Safeties

Howard:
Wow! You two chicks sound real far out and groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Magic Fingers in the bed
Wall-mounted TV screen
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen!

Group:
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
Don't call (I'm not) us groupies
That is going too far
We wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

FZ:
These girls wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They want a guy from a group
With a big hit single in the charts

Howard:
Funny you should mention it
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet
With a bullet
Just let me put a little tinsel glitter
On my face right now
And you can show me how
A young girl such as you might be
Thrilled and overwhelmed by me

Mark:
What uh, Holiday Inn are you staying at?

Howard:
Wanna split right away?

Mark:
Not so fast, you silly boy, heh heh
There's one more thing to say

Group:
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in/on the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing on/in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
We will give him our hearts!

Howard:
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Stop the music
Why didn't you say so before?

13. Bwana Dik 3:06

includes Latex Solar Beef and quotations from Also Sprach Zarathustra (Strauss) and N.S.U. (Bruce)

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Howard:

I got the thing you need
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil-spattered fantasies

Girls from all over the world
Flock to write my name on the toilet walls
Of the Whisky à Go-Go
For I am Bwana Dik
I am Bwana Dik
Me Bwana Dik
Him Bwana Dik

My dick is a monster
Give me your heart

Mark:
Bwana Dik is a legend
Enormous thou art

Howard:
My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Mark:
Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

Howard:
My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer
To steam up your slit

Group:
Steam it!
Steam it!
Ream it!
Cream it!

Howard:
You can hear the steam
You can hear the screaming steam
As the reamer steams up the lake
To the snake
In the black velvet crystal
Steaming hot black
Screaming iridescent
Screaming naugahyde python
Steam roller

Group:

Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Hear the steam
Feel the steam
See the steam
Heal the steaming/screaming
Hot black steaming
Naugahyde iridescent
Steaming python
Steam roller

All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence
Of the Latex Solar Beef

The steam is coming out
The steam is coming out
The steam is coming, coming, coming
Steaming
Reaming
Creaming
Screaming!
The steam is screaming!

Jeff?:
Listen! The steam is whistling

14. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy 3:02

includes a quotation from Tell Me You Love Me

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off

She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

That she knows what she wants
She knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
She's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
And she drove to the club
You know that her and her partner
Came here lookin' for love
They want a guy from a group
That got a thing in the charts
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
And they know what they got
And daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
They got their eyes on you

Now they spotted George Duke
At the end of the bar
They go up and say, "Hi!"
And ask if he has a car
He says he don't
They say they do
They say, "Let's get it on!"
'Bout a half of a minute
And you know they are gone

'Cause he got what they want
Knows what they like
And daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night
Screamin' all night

Say! One more! One more!

Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night
You got 'em screamin' all night
You got 'em screamin' all night

15. Do You Like My New Car? 3:11

includes a quotation from Tell Me You Love Me

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Mark: You like my new car?

Howard: Oh, it's uh, it's real cool. Do you know how to get to the Holiday Inn?

Mark: Which one are you staying at?

Howard: The one by the airport. We gotta get up early and fly out in the morning, you know?

Mark: Where do you play tomorrow night?

Howard: Ah, Minneapolis.

Mark: Oh, you're so professional. The way you travel to all those exotic places. Do you really have a hit single on the charts with a bullet?

Howard: Listen, honey, would I lie to you just to get in your pants?

Mark: Don't talk to me that way! I'm not a groupie! And neither is my girlfriend.

Jeff: No shit, Howie, we just like musicians for friends.

Howard: But . . . But you told me you got off with a, with a, with a baby octopus and some creamed corn spewed on you and your harelipped girlfriend with a hot 7-Up bottle, I mean, really, what's the deal?

Mark: Sure. That's all true. And sometimes I even get off with a Jack-In-The-Box ring job. But we don't want you to think we're groupies.

Howard: But, wait a minute, I want some action. I mean, I want a steaming succulent orifice with a teen-age girl attached to it, I, I thought we were gonna get it on, you know?

Mark: I've been looking for a guy from a group with a dick which is a monster.

Howard: Well, that's me. Well, that's me. Take me, I'm yours. I mean, fulfill my wildest dreams.

Mark: Ah, of course, my precious most seductive pop star of a man. Anything you want.

Howard: Really?

Mark: Bead jobs . . .

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Knotted nylons . . .

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Bamboo canes . . .

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Ice cubes . . .

Howard: Ah . . .

Mark: Mazola Oil . . .

Howard: Oh . . .

Mark: And/or a portable electric pony harness, air cooled. All this and more . . .

Howard: Oh, I'm ready! I'm ready! Give it to me now! Now! Now! Give it to me now right here in the car! Give me the pony harness!

Mark: Only if you'll sing me your hit single with the bullet first.

Howard: What?

Mark: I . . . I have a problem.

Howard: Ah, would you like to talk about it?

Mark: You see I . . . I can't come!

Howard: What?

Mark: I, I, I can't come unless you sing me your hit. And you gotta sing the bullet too!

Howard: The bullet?

Mark: The bullet! The bullet is the part that gets me the hottest.

Howard: Okay, baby, kneel down. Here comes my bullet . . .

16. Magic Fingers 2:46

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Ooh, the way you love me, lady
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl/baby
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby/girl
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

You got that kind of love that lingers
This here bed's got magic fingers

We've been a-rollin' in the bed since the show got out
But now I'm gettin' weak in the knees
We must have did it eighty, ninety times
It might have been a hundred
But you're the kind of girl that I really wanna please
You're the kind of girl
Really wanna please

Look out!

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
You know I do

Mark:
Tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
It wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Or I dress up and go

Howard:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Don't treat me cold

Howard: Hold it, hold it, hold it, stop the music, stop the music . . . Well . . .

17. Phyllis & Aynsley 1:53

Hollywood Ranch Market, LA, CA
Spring, 1970

Phyllis Altenhaus—voice
Aynsley Dunbar—voice

Aynsley: Ow! That's one, yes.
Phyllis: More?
Aynsley: Well . . . Try this one, try . . . just tapping me, then so . . . landing them every so often . . .
Phyllis: Okay.
Aynsley: Just . . . No. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You gotta . . . to . . . tap . . . like uh, you know, like every so often and . . . every so often you just bring it down, like that, see?
Phyllis: Okay.
Aynsley: Without any, without any break, so that . . . Excuse me . . . yeah . . .
Phyllis: Ah, wait, wait, wait, this . . .
Aynsley: Oh!
Phyllis: Is that . . .? Wait, just a second.
Aynsley: Yep.
Phyllis: Wait, I think I really . . .
Aynsley: Ah! . . . Oh! . . . More! . . . Ah, yeah . . . Come on, come on, tap, tap, tap in between, come on. Ah . . . Ah! . . .
Phyllis: But you . . . Okay, wait a second. Okay. You show on me and then I'll see what it feels like so then I'll know. Okay, you do it to me, 'cause I wanna see what that feels like . . .
Aynsley: Oh, no. No, I'll get carried away.
Phyllis: No, you won't get carried away.
Aynsley: Are you sure?
Phyllis: I'll scream. I won't. I won't let you. I mean, I . . .
Aynsley: You sure . . .
Phyllis: Yeah. No, I, I think maybe it's, it sounds like a good idea maybe.
Aynsley: Well, it might do, yeah. But I was . . .
Phyllis: Okay, see . . .
Aynsley: You know, I'm gonna miss out then, aren't I?
Phyllis: No, 'cause if you show me first then I'll know exactly what to do and then I'll be able to do the right thing to you.
Aynsley: Yeah, true.
Phyllis: Because I really want, you know, I really want to please you.
Aynsley: Oh, that's cool. Okay, then.
Phyllis: Okay. So you try.
Aynsley: Okay, well. Well, perhaps you better lie down first. Ah, that's better. Um, right. Ah . . . Yeah . . . Yeah . . .
Phyllis: Easy.
Aynsley: I'll do it slowly first, right? Then I'll . . .
Phyllis: Ow!
Aynsley: Was that too hard?
Phyllis: A little bi— Well, no, not too bad. It was okay.
Aynsley: Yeah? Okay.
Phyllis: Do the other side though, because . . .
Aynsley: Okay, okay. I'll give you a couple this time.
Phyllis: Okay.

18. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning (Alternate Mix) 4:03

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight
(If things go all right)

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight?
(Will she be outa sight)

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning

A succulent fat one?
A mod little flat one?
Maybe a hot one
To give me the clap
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)

19. Tell Me You Love Me (Mix Outtake) 3:07

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Engineer: Roll 'em in 10.
Mark: Can we get in free?
Howard: Are you kidding? Where haven't you . . .?
Mark: I'll go with you. I'll wear tinsel glitter and we'll go.
FZ: One . . .
Howard: That's neat. It's soul now, Frank. Forget commerciality. Sincerity! Ah, shut up.
FZ: One, two . . . One, two, three, four . . .

Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Girl . . . girl . . . girl . . .
I love you so hard now, I'm cryin' for you
Don't make me lose my pride
I want to come inside
And grab ahold of you, baby
And grab ahold of you

Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Now . . . now . . . now . . .
I wanna feel it, give me your love now
Don't make me steal it
Don't make me steal it
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me!
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me!

Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Girl . . . girl . . . girl . . .
I love you so hard now, I'm cryin' for you
Burnin' with fire
I gotta hot desire
'Cause I gotta make love with you
'Cause I gotta make love with you, baby
'Cause I gotta make love with you
'Cause I gotta make love with you

Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to

Aaaaahhh, yeah!

20. Road Ladies (Alternate Take) 4:30

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Ready?
When?
Look.
Howard: Dunbar, you bite!
You eat.
Howard: Ah, better.
FZ: Are you rolling?
Engineer: Yes. Rolling on A.

Don't it ever get lonesome?
(Yeah! Sure does get lonesome, sure does . . .)
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on the road?
(Sad? Why, I can't even believe it. One night in Cincinnati I . . .)
Don't it ever get lonesome?
(Oh, yeah, brother Frank! Yeah, brother . . .)
Don't it ever get sad when you go out on a thirty day tour?
(Sad ain't the word, honey)
You got nothing but promoters and groupies to love you
And a pile of laundry by the hotel door

Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever give a young man the blues?
Don't it ever get lonesome?
Don't it ever make a young man wanna go back home?
When the P.A. system eats it
And the band plays some of the most terriblest shit you've ever known

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot from the doctor?
What the Road Ladies do to you!

I know someday I will never
I'll never go out on the road again, no
I know someday I will never, no
I ain't gonna roam the countryside
No more
I'm gonna hang up them ol' Holiday Inns
And heal my knees up
From when I was doin' it on the floor
Lord knows I was. Give it to me.

Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you ever miss your
House in the country and your
Hot little mama too?
Don't you better get a
Shot from the doctor?
What the Road Ladies do to you!

21. What Will This Morning Bring Me This Evening (Studio Outtakes) 2:29

includes a quotation from New York, New York (Bernstein/Comden/Green)

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Mark: Yeah, yeah . . .
Howard: Oh . . .
Jeff: ("Navy Club." "Navy Club.")
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Howard: (Ah, okay.)
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Jeff: San Antonio, Tejas.

Mark & Howard: Max's Kansas City.
Jeff: In, in New York City.
Howard: "New York, New York . . ."

Aynsley: I suppose you noticed my Liverpool accent in the last number and realizing that, you must know for sure I'm British. You might ask youself where I go for my nooky in London.
Howard: Where?
Aynsley: Well, I go to a little place where they keep—especially for me—a bottle with my name on it.
FZ: Aynsley Dunbar!
Howard: Aynsley Dunbar!
Mark: Aynsley Dunbar! Aynsley Dunbar!
Aynsley: I thought it would never come—And it's called The Speakeasy!
Howard: Good God! . . . Isn't that George Harrison over there?
Mark: Stephen Stills over there. Hi, Steve, good to see you.
Howard: Graham Nash! . . . Hold it! . . . Hold it . . .

Howard: Are we really gonna do this? I'm sorry, man, I really thought it was gonna stop much short of that. Oh, I guess I blew it.
?: Yeah . . .
Howard: I'm sorry. I didn't think it was gonna get into that. But that's cool.
FZ: Do the . . . Ah, start . . .
Ian?: Yeah, yeah.
FZ: With "Go to the club or the bar."
Howard: Yeah.
FZ: Was the first part of that track okay?
Engineer: Yes.
?: You have some barber?
Mothers: Ha ha ha . . .
Engineer: Musically, it sounded good, yes.
?: Mark wasn't in key, though.
Mark: Yeah, it sounded fine, I hit every note, right?
?: Ha ha . . .
Engineer: Right below Howard.
FZ: Take it from "Go to the club or the bar."
Mark: Okay. "A partial list . . . of clubs and bars . . ."
Howard: "To go get laid . . ."
FZ: [...]
?: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Howard: Yeah, I . . .
Mark: Yeah, okay, sure. "A partial list . . ."
Engineer: Take 7.
FZ: Straight through.
Mark: Straight through. Sure, Frank.
Howard: Okay.
FZ: Rolling?
Mark: One for the—
Engineer: 7.
Mark: Hey, Ian. Attention, Ian.
Howard: Got it.

What . . .

Howard: No . . . Dunbar!
Engineer: 6.

22. What Will This Morning Bring Me This Evening (Alternate Take, Incomplete) 2:50

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
Some local hot action
Before we are leaving

Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found
In the town your band been
Booked to play in
It's always a little bit harder
To score if it's just your first time
In a town you never hit before

If you played in it once
And got laid
You've got it made
Oh, got it made, oh!
If you're there on your own
Then you know it's no fun
To go back to a plastic hotel all alone

Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found

Mark: A partial list of clubs and bars to go hit while you're on the road:

Mark & Howard: Nobody's.
Jeff: New York City.
Mark & Howard: Paradisio.
Jeff: Amsterdam, Netherlands.
Mark & Howard: Club Voom Voom.
Jeff: Vienna, Austria.
Howard: Oh, Vienna in the Spring!
Mark & Howard: The Whisky à Go-Go.
Jeff: City of The Angels.
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Jeff: Mi tierra and . . . San Antonio, Tejas.
Mark: Yeah, yeah . . .
Howard: Oh . . .
Jeff: ("Navy Club." "Navy Club.")
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Howard: (Ah, okay.)
Mark & Howard: The Navy Club.
Jeff: San Antonio, Tejas.

23. "Aynsley Dunbar, Ladies & Gentlemen" 0:46

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Aynsley: I suppose you noticed my Liverpool accent in the last number and realizing that you must know for sure I'm British. You might ask yourself where I go for my nooky in London. Mm-mmh. Well, I go to a little place where they keep—especially for me—a bottle with my name on it.
The Mothers: Aynsley Dunbar, Ladies & Gentlemen!
Aynsley: Thank you, lads, thank you. It's called The Speakeasy!

Howard: Hold it!

24. Magic Fingers (Version B/Mix Outtake) 2:54

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Engineer: "Magic Fingers," version B, single, take 1.
Different Engineer: 16.

Ooh, the way you love me, lady
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl/baby
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby/girl
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

You got that kind of love that lingers
This here bed's got magic fingers

We've been a-rollin' in the bed since the show got out
But now I'm gettin' weak in the knees
We must have did it eighty, ninety times
It might have been a hundred
But you're the kind of girl that I really wanna please
You're the kind of girl
I really wanna please

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
You know I do

Mark:
Tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
Well, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
Well, tell me right away
Or I'll dress up and go

Howard:
Oh, just don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Don't treat me cold

Howard: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, stop, stop the music again, just wait, hold it, hold it . . . Well . . .

25. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning (Mix Outtake) 3:04

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight
(If things go all right)

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight?
(Will she be outa sight)

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning

A succulent fat one?
A mod little flat one?
Maybe a hot one
To give me the clap
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
If things go all right

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
Will she be outa sight

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
If things go all right

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
Will she be outa sight

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
If things go all right

26. Tell Me You Love Me (Alternate Take) 3:35

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Engineer: Take 4.
Ian? Jeff?: Right. Do you want me to do that line?
Howard: I know but it is, it's just a bit distressing to me, man, 'cause, uh—
FZ: So you wanna skip it?
Howard: No no no! No, don't get me wrong. It's just that, you know, it's weird 'cause I learned it one way, and now it's a whole other way, and you know, where I was confident before, really getting it, you know. Now I gotta reach for a whole new note so I'm not quite so sure of what—
FZ: Well the easiest thing to do then is to change the background, so instead of going . . .

Mark: I don't wanna lose the feel of it.
Engineer: Take 8.

Engineer: Rollin' on 9.

FZ: One, two . . . One, two, three, four . . .

Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Girl . . . girl . . . girl . . .
I love you so hard now, I'm cryin' for you
Don't make me lose my pride
I want to come inside
And grab ahold of you
And grab ahold of you

Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Now . . . now . . . now . . .
I wanna feel it, give me your love now
Don't make me steal it
Don't make me steal it
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me!
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me!

Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Girl . . . girl . . . girl . . .
I love you so hard now, I'm cryin' for you
Burnin' with fire
I gotta hot desire
'Cause I gotta make love with you
'Cause I gotta make love with you, baby
I gotta make love with you
'Cause I gotta make love with you

Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to
Tell me you love me
Like I want you to

disc 3

1. Scene 1-2: Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture 2:02

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies and gentlemen

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels

Theodore Bikel:
Two Hundred Motels
Life on the road!

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies and gentlemen!
And here he is!

Chorus:
Who?

Theodore Bikel:
Larry the Dwarf!

Chorus:
Yay!

Theodore Bikel:
Larry likes to dress up funny. Tonight he's dressed up like Frank Zappa. Let's ask him what's the deal.

2. Scene 3: "What's The Deal?" 1:59

Theodore Bikel:
Hi, Larry, it's good to have you back on our panel.

Larry The Dwarf (Ringo Starr):
Hi, Dave, it's really great to be back on your panel.

Theodore Bikel:
I'm sure the people at home would be interested to know why such a large dwarf as you is all dressed up like Frank Zappa. Tell us, Larry, eh . . . what's the deal?

Larry The Dwarf:
He made me do it, Dave. He's such a creep. He's making me hold this Aladdin.

Theodore Bikel:
And why is he making you do that, Larry?

Larry The Dwarf:
He wants me to fuck the girl with the harp.

Theodore Bikel:
He wants you to fuck the girl . . . with the harp?

Larry The Dwarf:
No, no, with the magic lamp. He wants me to stuff it up her and rub it. Hm. Hm-hm-hm. Ho-ho-ho, ha-ha. A-HA-HA-HA-HO-HO.

Theodore Bikel:
Let's ask our studio audience. If you'd just been lowered down here on TV by a wire connected to a brown leather harness, forced by a crazy person to insert a mysterious imported lamp into the reproductive-rep-rep-rep into-into the rep-rep-reproductive orifice of a lady harpist and you were a dwarf . . . would you do it?

Larry The Dwarf:
YES!!!

Chorus:
Yay!

Theodore Bikel:
Let's spin The Big Wheel, Larry! Go ahead, give it a whirl!

Voice Over (FZ):
What our studio audience doesn't know is that the reason Larry the Dwarf is doing all this stuff is because it's all part of the score to 200 Motels. Every word, every action. The lamp. The reproductive orifice. It's all in the score, so he has to do it. This whole event is a fantasy that occurred touring on the road. Touring can make you crazy, ladies and gentlemen. That is precisely what 200 Motels is all about.

3. Mystery Roach 3:32

Say!

Look out!
Look out!
Look out!

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach be arrivin' soon
Yea-ooh, yea-ooh, yea-ooh, yea-ooh

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach been gone
Yea-oooh
Yea-oooh

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Interviewer (Pamela):
Wait a minute . . . I've got to verify a rumour I heard. Is it true that in the Autumn of 1968, you and a bunch of other little rock & roll musicians actually held a secret rehearsal with a famous British orchestra in the back room of an exotic Old English pub out on Seven Sisters Road, and there, unbeknownst to the outside world at large did proceed to illicitly manufacture a semi pornographic situation comedy rock & roll stage show based on all the reasons why everybody wants to quit your group . . . whatever you call it?

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mark:
Room service?

Howard:
Oh . . . mystery roach?
What are we singing about?
We must be flipping out.

4. Scene 32: "It's A Good Thing We Get Paid To Do This…" 2:15

Mark:
It's a good thing we get paid to do this . . . I could be at home getting reamed, or listening to my new Elton John album.

Howard:
Oh, man, don't even talk about getting reamed . . . I've been without female companionship for so long—Monday for instance.

Jeff (Martin):
You know why you don't get laid . . . nobody wants to fuck a comedian!

Mark:
You should be careful talking about that stuff.

Jeff (Martin):
Why? Does he listen?

Ian:
He always listens. He always watches and listens to all the guys in the band. I've been in the band for years, and I know. He always listens!

Jeff (Martin):
That's how he gets all his material! He listen to us being natural, friendly, good-natured, humorous, ha-ha-ha-ha!

All Mothers:
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
YEAH? WELL FINE!

Jeff (Martin):
. . . And then he rips us off, and he sneaks off into a secret room someplace, and boils it in ammonia, and he gets it perverted, and then he brings it back to us at rehearsals and makes us play it!

George:
Hey, man, what's that over there?

Howard:
It's him. It's him, he's watching.

Mark:
You think he heard us?

Ian:
I've been in the band for years. You can bet that he heard everything.

Jeff (Martin):
Yeah, let's go over and pretend to be nice to him.

Howard:
Yeah, let's go over and pretent we don't know he's watching.

Mark:
Yeah, and ripping off all our good material.

Howard:
Hi, man!

Ian:
Hi, Frank!

Mark:
Hi, man!

Aynsley:
Hi, Frank!

Jeff (Martin):
Hi, man!

George:
Hey, Frank!

Mark:
Hey, that's a great new song you wrote, you know, the one about the penis and everything? I was laughing a lot the whole time I was learning it!

Howard:
Yeah, we were all laughing, Frank!

All Mothers:
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
YEAH? WELL FINE!

Howard:
Yeah, it took a little while to get into it, man, but once we got the drift, phew!

Jeff (Martin):
Yeah, what a great part you got in there for the chorus, you know when they go:

All Mothers:
"Ran Tan Toon Toon Na Na Hanninn."

Jeff (Martin):
And I steal the room and everything, you know. I don't even mind you rippin' it off me, just as long as I get paid.

Mark:
Oh, and I don't even mind the part where he says, "What can I say about this fabulous elixir," so long as me and Howard and Jeff Simmons—who left the group just before the movie started—get credit for special material! Ha-ha-ha!

5. Scene 14: What's The Name Of Your Group? I 0:57

 

6. Scene 32: "We Haven't Formed The Group Yet" 1:26

All Mothers:
MAN!

Larry The Dwarf:
Oh! Er, he's making me leave here now. I'll see you later when we play.

Howard:
What?

Larry The Dwarf:
I don't expect you to understand that, because uh, we haven't formed the group yet.

Jeff (Martin):
Ah, Mark'll play the bass . . . Howie'll sing and play sax . . . I'll play the guitar . . . . . . and the Dwarf he'ill play drums!

Howard:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! Wait a minute! This guy isn't even a dwarf!

Jeff (Martin):
That's one of the reasons the group will be so commercial!

Mark:
What about the other guys?

Jeff (Martin):
Ah, they're already forming groups all over the place! Why wait till the end of the movie? We could have a hit single right now!

Mark:
He's right, he's right! We don't need Aynsley . . .

Howard:
No . . .

Mark:
We don't need Ian . . .

Howard:
No . . .

Mark:
We don't need George!

Howard:
No!

Mark:
We don't need anybody! Argh!

Howard:
No!

Jeff (Martin):
He needs us, remember. We don't need him! All those other guys are too old for rock. They're out of it! We can have a tight little heavy little band with this Dwarf here. You know, that he, he used to play drums for Leon Russell . . .

Mark & Howard:
Ohh . . .

Mark:
Listen, you're right. Zappa's thirty.

Jeff (Martin):
Yeah . . .

Mark:
Thirty years old!

Howard:
Oh, he's out of it, man! He's too old. He should retire.

Jeff (Martin):
Yeah, really. You can't trust old people. You know, we should take up a collection and buy him a watch.

7. Scene 15: What's The Name Of Your Group? II 1:41

Interviewer (Soprano):

I don't know too much about your stuff
I've been a little busy
This won't take long
Just a few questions

This won't take long
Just a few questions

This won't take long
Just a few questions
Just a few questions

This won't take long
This won't take long
This won't take long
This won't take long

8. Scene 17: "When Do We Get Paid?" 5:12

Motorhead:
I hear birds!

Don:
Calm down! You're supposed to be calm, you know like, it's gonna work yourself into a frenzy.

JCB:
Would you like to cope?

Motorhead:
I hear birds in here.

JCB:
I want a beer, Motorhead.

Motorhead:
Yeah?

Don:
Here they come.

JCB:
It's about time.

Motorhead:
Frank looks tired. He musta just done an interview.

Rance Muhammitz:
Hello lads. Shall we begin?

Interviewer (Pamela):
I should get their names first for the big story I'm going to write!

Don:
My name is Don Preston, also known as Dom DeWilde or Biff Debris, depending upon the spiritual evolvement of the role I'm supposed to play.

JCB:
I'm Jimmy Carl Black, I'm the Indian of the group.

Interviewer (Pamela):
What group?

JCB:
Oh, forget it.

Motorhead:
I'm Euclid James Motorhead Sherwood. And I came in last in the Baritone Sax category of Down Beat Readers Poll for 1970.

Rance Muhammitz:
Gentlemen. I'm sure you're all aware of the fact that we are in an imaginary town.

Motorhead:
Sure. I could tell right away.

Don:
Right. The vibes . . .

JCB:
What's your name supposed to be?

Rance Muhammitz:
My real name is Theodore Bikel, but for the purposes of the movie you must call me Rance Muhammitz!

Don:
Right on, Rance! The functioning of our senses has been spiritually impaired and chemically corrupted by the fake artifical food coloring.

Motorhead:
Yeah.

JCB:
Listen, man, I just wanna know two things . . . Is there any beer in this fake night club, and when do we get paid?

Interviewer:
What sort of beer do you drink, Jimmy Carl Black? (This is good human-interest material for the big story I'm going to write!) Let me rephrase that question: What kind of beer do you drink, Jimmy Carl Black?

JCB:
Any old kind I can get my mouth on, honey, don't make a shit to me!

Rance Muhammitz:
Gent— Gentleman, gentleman, in a moment or two you'll be able to get your hands on all the imaginary beer that you want. For the moment, I would like to explain some of the things that you'll all be doing in this movie.

Don:
I've been wondering about that.

Rance Muhammitz:
For Sherwood . . .

Motorhead:
Yes?

Rance Muhammitz:
We have a vacuum cleaner scheduled . . .

Motorhead:
A vacuum cleaner?

Rance Muhammitz:
And a potential epileptic seizure during a production number later on.

Motorhead:
A vacuum cleaner! Oh . . .

Rance Muhammitz:
I thought the two of you would like to get acquainted. It says here that you are supposed to be in love.

Interviewer (Pamela):
This abnormal relationship will be great for the big story I'm going to write!

Rance Muhammitz:
Ah, maybe, may— maybe, maybe just good friends.

Motorhead:
Yes?

Rance Muhammitz:
Now, Mr. Preston! You will be playing a highly evolved and spiritual role, so I guess we'll have to call you Biff Debris for the rest of the movie.

Don:
What am I supposed to do?

Rance Muhammitz:
It says you're my nephew. You are wise because you've travelled the world. Y0u've been to Paris. To London. To Berlin. You uh, know the ropes. You meditate. You practice Yoga. Yo play the synthesizer. You operate a fake light show in this imaginary night club. You will be Motorhead's guru!

Motorhead:
Guru!

Rance Muhammitz:
And what is more, Jimmy Carl Black owes you five dollars!

Don:
I thought I was going to get a chance to act . . . to emote . . . wear a big cape and black hat.

Rance Muhammitz:
Wait a minute. It says here that you get to wear a big cape . . . and a black hat and you can turn into a monster anytime you want to.

Interviewer (Pamela):
The very presence of a monster person in this imaginary town has a definite bearing on the news value of the TV Special they will make from the big story I'm going to write.

JCB:
Listen, man, I just wanna know one thing . . . when do we get paid?

Rance Muhammitz:
Now look, look, look, look, look, don't you even care what you do?

JCB:
So long as I get some beer and I get paid, you can make me do anything. I'm professional!

Rance Muhammitz:
I'm deeply offended by your lack of artistic sense.

JCB:
Look here, Muhammitz, or whatever the fuck they call you. I don't even give a shit, man, I got five fuckin' kids at home and . . . can you lend me a coupla bucks until the end of the week? Who are you anyway?

Rance Muhammitz:
Oh, she writes for the imaginary rock & roll newspaper in San Francisco.

JCB:
San Francisco?

Rance Muhammitz:
She's my niece. My niece.

JCB:
I didn't know she was a blood relation. Just till the weekend?

Don:
Wait a minute. It says here I'm supposed to lend you five bucks so you can owe it to me.

JCB:
Thanks, Donnie.

Don:
But, uh . . . Just a minute, will ya? You got any bread?

Motorhead:
You got any bread? SNORK, SNORK.

Vacuum Cleaner (Dick Barber):
SNORK, SNORK.

Interviewer (Pamela):
What's he saying?

Motorhead:
He wants to know if you can lend him a coupla bucks till the weekend.

Interviewer (Pamela):
What's he saying?

Motorhead & JCB:
He wants to know if you can lend him a coupla bucks till the weekend.

Interviewer (Pamela):
I have to go now and write the big story I'm going to write.

Motorhead:
Vacuum cleaner!

Interviewer (Pamela):
I'll send you a copy . . .

Don:
Bye.

JCB:
Bye.

Interviewer (Pamela):
You have any idea where you gonna be living in the next six months? Ah!

JCB:
She fuck?

9. Scene 18: Went On The Road 1:42

Went on the road
For a month touring
What a drag
You've gotta go
Even if you'd rather be at home
Flaked out in Hollywood
Drove to Inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit into the plane at five o' three
What's it gonna be?
Chicken, beef or turkey?
La la la la
Would you like a snack?

Ah! We-ooh

Mark:
I'd give my soul for a double cheeseburger from a famous American Burger Chain with a symbol in the parking lot that's yellow plastic and goes like this . . .

10. Scene 19-20: "Special Delivery" 3:11

Rance Muhammitz (Theodore Bikel):
Special delivery for Mister Volman! Mister Volman? Are you Volman?

Mark & Howard:
Rance Muhammitz
Rance
Rance

Rance Muhammitz:
Muhammitz
Muhammitz
Muhammitz

Mark:
In a steaming briefcase!

Rance Muhammitz:
You're Volman!

Howard:
Yeah— No! No. He's Volman. Who are you?

Rance Muhammitz:
You must call me Rance Muhammitz.

Howard:
Funny you should mention it, we already did. I said "Rance" and he said "Muhammitz" just a few minutes ago at the beginning of that song.

Rance Muhammitz:
Of course you did, lads. I was sitting across the street in a fake night club with an Indian gentleman when suddenly I felt the need on your behalf to communicate with me. There was a need. Wasn't there? Or you wouldn't have called, would you?

Jeff (Martin):
Well, uh, we didn't actually call you. We just said "Rance" and "Muhammins" a couple times . . .

Mark:
We said "Ruth!" in there a few times, does that count?

All:
Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

Rance Muhammitz:
I'm known by many names, and I'm at your service whenever you choose to call.

Jeff (Martin):
You're the mail man in this town, right?

Rance Muhammitz:
You are Simmons. No. Brambell. No! You are Lickert. Correct? Yes! Yes, Lickert, I do a few odd jobs here in Centerville. I am sort of the general proprietor of all its major industries, its lakes, its parks, its lavish recreational facilities. Its homes. One day you fix an election, the next day you deliver the mail. Heh heh. We in government have a wide range of services to perform for the man in the street. By the way, Mister Volman, I have . . . your cheeseburger. Would you care to sign for it?

Mark:
(Sniff, sniff) Mmmh . . .

Jeff (Martin):
Hey, you gonna eat that cheeseburger, Mark?

Mark:
Fuckin' guy'll eat anything.

Rance Muhammitz:
This is registered delivery. You will have to sign for it.

Jeff (Martin):
Sure, man, I'll sign. Where's the pencil?

Rance Muhammitz:
I don't wish to alarm you, my son, but the signature will have to be . . . in blood.

Jeff (Martin):
Don't have any blood, I'm too wan.

Rance Muhammitz:
Then we'll rent some blood. You still must sign! You took the mystery burger! You are in full posession of . . . the burger! Do you know who I am? Hum? Do you know who . . . I really am?

Mark:
Really, man, who . . . do you think . . . you are?

Jeff (Martin):
Yeah, you want me to tell you who . . . I really think you are?

Howard:
Oh, somebody tell me . . . who is this guy?

11. Scene 21: Centerville 2:08

Centerville
A real nice place to raise your kids up

Centerville
It's really neat!

Churches!
Churches!
And liquor stores!

Bowling alleys!
Just like Glendale!

Look!
Over there . . .
It's a rancid boutique!

12. Scene 21: Janet & Lucy 0:44

Lucy:
Janet! Did you see those guys with the hair?

Janet:
It's those guys from the fake stage across the street from our house.

Lucy:
Eeeuuooo, on the pillows.

Janet:
But I like the drummer with the rivets on his clothes. He's not bad.

Lucy:
Yeah, I've seen him too. Just screams "Englishness," with that little haircut and the rings . . .

Janet:
And the binoculars.

Lucy:
Binoculars?

Janet:
Didn't you notice his binoculars?

Lucy:
No, he's got binoculars?

Janet:
He watches us through 'em, he's a pervert!

Lucy:
Ooh, I get so hot just thinking about perversions . . . Maybe when we go down to the fake night club tonight we can meet him and find out if he really is perverted.

Janet:
Just take my word for it—he is perverted.

Lucy:
Mmm. And English, too.

Janet:
They're all that way.

13. Scene 22: This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue) 0:56

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
I think we played this one before

14. Scene 23-24: Tuna Fish Promenade 2:30

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a place for us to play
To help us pay
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.

All the people in the sandwich town
Think the place is great!
What if part of it's crumblin' down?
Most of them prob'ly won't be 'round

They'll either be dead
Or move to San Francisco
Where everybody thinks they're heavy business

But it's just a tuna sandwich
From another catering service

15. Scene 28: The Sealed Tuna Bolero 1:41

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued
(With the wrapper glued)
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a rancid little snack
In a plastic pack
From a matron in La Habra with a blown-out crack
Who dies to suck the fringe off of Jimmy Carl Black!

16. Scene 29: Lonesome Cowboy Burt 3:50

My name is Burtram
I am a redneck
All my friends
They call me Burt
All my family
From down in Texas
Make their livin'
Diggin' dirt

Come out here
To Californy
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
Ones I seen
Gets me so horny
Ruby lips
'N teeth like pearls

Wanna love 'em all
Wanna love 'em dearly
Wanna pretty girl
I'll even pay
I'll buy 'em furs
I'll buy 'em jewelry
I know they like me
Here's what I say

I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee . . .

(He's Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt)
Come on in this place
And I'll buy you a taste
You can sit on my face
Where's my waitress?

Burtram, Burtram Redneck
Burtram, Burtram Redneck

I'm an awful nice guy
Sweat all day in the sun
I'm a roofer by trade
Quite a bundle I've made
I'm a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun)

When I get off, I get plastered
Drink till I fall on the floor
Find me some Communist bastard
'N stomp on his face till he don't
Move no more
(He stomps on his face till he don't
Move no more)

I fuss an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin'
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red
I drool on m'shirt
I see if he's hurt
Then I kick him again in the head (Let's)
Kick him again in the head (Boys)
Kick him again in the head (Now)
Kick him again in the head

Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee . . .

(He's Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelin's hurt)
Yeah, but come on in this place
And I'll buy you a taste
And you can sit on my face
Where's my waitress?

Opal, you hot little bitch!

17. Scene 30: JCB & Rance 2:29

Rance Muhammitz:
Yes, Jimmy Carl Black, Indian of the Group, what can I do for you?

JCB:
Mohonnitz! What are you doin' here?

Rance Muhammitz:
You just called me, didn't you?

JCB:
All I said was "Opal, you hot little bitch."

Rance Muhammitz:
I'm known by many names.

JCB:
Mm-hmm. You got many friends who call you "Opal the hot little bitch"?

Rance Muhammitz:
Please, please, please, please Mister Black, let us cut the small talk, and get on with your briefing.

JCB:
Fine, you can brief me all you want as long as you can tell me two things . . .

Rance Muhammitz:
I know, "When do we get paid? . . ."

JCB:
No! I wanna know where's that waitress . . .

Rance Muhammitz:
Mmm . . . waitress . . .

JCB:
And if she comes in this place, will she sit on my face, and loan me a couple bucks until the end of the week.

Rance Muhammitz:
. . . Couple of bucks . . .

JCB:
Heh heh . . .

Rance Muhammitz:
. . . End of the week . . . week ending, the week ending—what, what's that, what's—the date?

JCB:
Uhhh, Tuesday was the 5th, uh Monday was the 3rd, uh make that out for Sunday—

Rance Muhammitz:
Ah ah ah! Don't say Sunday!

JCB:
What's wrong with Sunday?

Rance Muhammitz:
Aah!

JCB:
The Lord's day! Br-r-r-m! A day of rest! Br-r-r-m! Just make that sucker out for the 23rd of March, wouldja?

Rance Muhammitz:
Very well, Mister Black. Oh, by the way. I have here the special beer I promised you earlier.

JCB:
Oh, man, it's about time, I've been waiting.

Rance Muhammitz:
Would you care to sign for it?

JCB:
This a pencil?

Rance Muhammitz:
No, Mister Black, it is a pin.

JCB:
A pin?

Rance Muhammitz:
Would you jab yourself in the finger with it?

JCB:
Listen, Mohonnitz, I may be professional, but I'm not that professional. I just want my beer.

Rance Muhammitz:
Sign first! In blood.

JCB:
Fuck you! Who do you think you are? The Devil or something?

Rance Muhammitz:
I am known by many names.

JCB:
You prob'ly got some more weird names for yourself, but I'll tell you one thing you ain't nev— definitely ain't never gonna be called and that's the Devil, because you ain't the Devil!

Rance Muhammitz:
Oh, I'm not?

JCB:
You bet your sweet ass you're not. The fuckin' Devil's got an English accent! I seen him three weeks ago on TV. So you know, you can just take this big needle here an' hang it in your ass as far as I'm concerned! (cough) Fuckin' guy must have been a communist!

18. Scene 21: Larry The Dwarf 2:11

Larry The Dwarf:

Hello there. When you go on tour with a musical group, it's possible that any town can seem like this. Whether it's large or small or busy or if there's nothing happening in it.

The reason for this is quite simple. A musician, if you consider the normal pattern of modern civilized life, is on the outside of it all. He doesn't build things, he doesn't work regular hours like a decent God-fearing citizen, and the life he leads, in many ways, seems useless and irrelevant to those of us who prefer a quiet evening in front of the television and a bottle of beer.

Amazing as it might seem to some of us, musicians have basic physical needs, just like real people.

Many of them study for years, learning to play the violin, for instance, only to be rewarded with a humdrum job in the fourth row of a symphonic string section.

That's why the government have constructed, at great expense, this Experimental Re-orientation Facility.

To find a way, perhaps, to retrain these useless old musicians with their brown fiddles and little horns. Give them a trade! A reason to exist in a modern world. A chance of a happier, more productive life.

Some will enter the military. Some will learn shorthand. And some will disappear in the middle of the night on a special train they're sending in. It's the only way, really, to bring about the final solution to the Orchestra Question.

I'm sure that many of us realize that a pop group can earn a vast amount of money compared to these other kinds of musicians. That's why the special government agencies for Mass Response Programming and Psychological Stultification prefer to treat them in a more subtle manner.

They know, just as many of you vigilant and thoroughly upstanding citizens have discovered for yourselves, the power of pop music to corrupt and putrefy the minds of world youth are virtually limitless.

19. Scene 81: Magic Fingers 3:53

Ooh, the way you love me, lady
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
Well, you know I do, babe

Mark:
Well, tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Or I'll dress up and go!

Howard:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Don't you treat me cold

Howard:
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

Well, there are a lot of reasons why I'd, I'd drag a girl such as yourself back to this plastic hotel room and rip you off for spare change to run a, to run a vibrating machine attached to this queen-sized bulk-purchase kapok-infested do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law type bed and, and make you take off all your little clothes until you were nearly stark raving nude—save for your chrome-with-heavy-duty-leather-thong Peace Medallion—and make you assume a series of marginally erotic poses involving a plastic chair and an old guitar strap while I did a wee-wee in your hair and beat you with a pair of tennis shoes I got from Jeff Beck.

20. Scene 47: Larry The Dwarf In The Hotel Room 2:31

Larry The Dwarf:
Let me [...] paper. Where's the paper. [...] I've got it now. I've got to write this down. I've got everything I need . . . for my new symphony. It's all here. [...]

Larry The Dwarf:
Ah, fantastic. Yes, I've got them now. [...] Oh, I'm writing this. Get on, soul brothers. Oh. Get it on. Oh, those boys, those boys. They're driving me crazy.

Girl In The Fake Night Club:
Hey! Look what's coming through the door!

Rance Muhammitz:
Muhammitz.

Larry The Dwarf:
[...] It's really great now. Ah. Down here [...]. More paper, more paper. I need to write all this. Page two. Throw my hat! But I don't care. Yes. Get it on. Make it nasty . . . Oh, another page. Please, don't leave me, don't leave me. Oh, I can't live without your super-substances. Oh, let me write that down, "super-substances," yes.

Larry The Dwarf (Chasing The Hot Nun):
Show me your little vest . . . Excuse me . . . All I wanted now . . . Oh, you little darling . . .

21. Scene 33: The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts 0:31

Blorp
Tss

The lad searches the night for his newts

Blorp!

22. Scene 40-41: The Girl Wants To Fix Him Some Broth 2:04

includes The Girl's Dream

Narrator:
The girl wants to fix him some broth

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Tinsel cock

Chorus:
Doo-wee-doo
Tinsel cock my baby

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Would you like some broth?

Narrator:
Some nice soup

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Some hot broth?

Chorus:
Yum!

Narrator:
Small dogs in it

Chorus:
Doggies

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Do ya?

Narrator:
You like broth?

Chorus:
Doo wad'n' um

Narrator:
Dog broth?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot broth?

Chorus:
Hot dog broth

Narrator:
You like
Dog broth hot?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot dog debris?

Chorus:
Debris!

Narrator:
How d'ya like it?

Chorus:
Dog breath?
Dog broth?
Dog breath broth?

Narrator:
Debris?
Of the four styles offered:
Debris, broth, breath
And the ever popular, hygienic
European version
Tinsel cock!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson & Chorus:
Tinsel cock

Narrator:
Which do you choose?

The girl

Chorus:
Duh girl wants ta fix him some broth

Narrator:
In a statement to the press

Chorus:
D-d-d-duhhh

Narrator:
Explains . . .

23. Scene 42: Little Green Scratchy Sweaters & Courduroy Ponce 1:01

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Broth reminds me of nuns

Chorus:
Nuns
Nuns
Nuns

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
I see them smashing

Chorus:
Kids

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
With rulers

Chorus:
Bap!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Disciplining munchkin cretins
Tortured munchkins
Tortured munchkins

Chorus:
Munchkin cretins
Munchkin victims

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Irish Catholic victims
Little green scratchy sweaters

Chorus:
Sweaters

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Little green scratchy ones

Chorus:
Corduroy pants

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Brown corduroy pants

Chorus:
Doo ah
Doo ah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Corduroy pants
An' green scratchy
Munchkin Irish Catholic victims

Chorus:
Munchkins
Munch-a-kins

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Munchkins get me hot

Chorus:
Oo ah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Munchkins get me get me ee
Oo ah ee oo

Narrator:
Hot!
Gets her real hot!

24. Scene 45: A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes 1:08

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Why don't you strap on
This here bunch
Of cardboard boxes, daddy-o
(Joy of my desiring)
You'll certainly look suave
And get me hot
Hot
Hot
Get me hot and horny

Chorus:
Ah oo
Doo wah doo wah doo wah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
If there's one thing I really get off on

Chorus:
YOINNGG!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes
Some old melodies
Four-four
An aura . . .
An areola . . .
Pink gums . . .
Stumpy gray teeth . . .
Dental floss
Gets me hot
Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie?

25. Scene 57: The Perverted Nun 3:27

The Hot Nun:
I'm going to die. I know I'm going to die, I can tell because my pulse is so weak. The pills . . . I took so many downers that I know this is the end for me.

Janet:
You poor thing. You want us to fix your hair for you so you look good when they find you?

The Hot Nun:
Oh . . . would you?

Janet:
Sure, whaddya want? A pony tail? A flat-top with fenders?

The Hot Nun:
I'm gonna die, Janet, I'm gonna O.D.! So make me look good.

Janet:
Listen, the best I can do for you is fix your hair, so why don't you get up and wash that melted eye makeup off your face?

The Hot Nun:
Is it smeared? I've been crying so much . . . it's so damn sad when you know you'll never see all your friends anymore.

Janet:
Every week it's the same old thing. You're gonna die. You're gonna die. Somebody went out on you. Somebody doesn't love you anymore. How long you been a groupie? You should get used to romances which are so obviously cheap. Listen, just in case you crash out, and the imaginary rock & roll newspaper from San Francisco wants to get any pictures of you, you'll look like you washed your face. Really. It's better this way with a clean face. People think groupies are such dirty girls!

Aynsley:
Wouldn't mind sort of fucking all three of them! Heh-hmm.

Lucy:
Look, over there!

Janet:
What?

Lucy:
He's doing it, he's watching us from the fake bandstand with the binoculars!

Janet:
Who, the Englishness?

Lucy:
The Rivet Boy!

The Hot Nun:
The Rivet Boy? Where?

Lucy:
Over there . . . Wipe that stuff out of your eyes! Looks like he's beating off!

Janet:
Beating off? I knew he was a pervert.

Lucy:
Eeeuuooo, how exciting! Hey, are you still trying to O.D.?

The Hot Nun:
Yes, this definitely is the end for me . . . I feel so faint . . . so weak . . .

Janet:
Good evening, honey, that was the most imaginary collapse I've seen since last week!

Lucy:
Janet, do you think she's gonna die?

Janet:
Are you kidding? Did you see her hit the floor?

Lucy:
God, well, it was so obviously cheap. Lift the head, honey!

The Hot Nun:
I'm going to die . . . this time it's real . . .

Janet:
Listen, Lucy, we gotta get ready for our big dance number, we're going to the fake night club tonight.

The Hot Nun:
Everything is getting dim . . .

Lucy:
Why don't you tell her a story while you put your makeup on? Ah . . . evening.

Janet:
Oh. Listen, toots. I'm gonna make up a nice little fairy tale for you.

The Hot Nun:
Ooh, the pills . . . Mandrax . . . I took so many of them . . .

Janet:
I'll tell you part of the story, and then you make up another part that goes along with it. Once upon a time there was a tall, handsome, muscular . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . dwarf . . .

Janet:
. . . with a very special . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . Swedish apparatus . . .

Janet:
. . . that him and his friends would use in conjunction with . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . bold new surgical experiments . . .

Janet:
. . . involving . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . a bludgeon and a bottle of champagne . . .

Janet:
. . . and a . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . microwave oven . . .

Janet:
. . . from a . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . jumbo jet, one of the big jobs leased from Air Rangoon . . .

Janet:
. . . which, when used correctly . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . can effectively increase the dimensions . . .

Janet:
. . . and firepower of your . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . dick . . .

Janet:
. . . to the point where . . .

Lucy:
. . . in some instances, it should be classified as a lethal weapon!

26. Scene 87: "Penis!" 3:00

Chorus:
Your dick.

Mark & Howard:
Your dick!

Chorus:
Your dork.

Mark & Howard:
Your dork?

Chorus:
Your prick.

Mark & Howard:
Your prick.

Chorus:
Your pork.

Lucy:
Your pork?

Janet:
Pork?

Lucy:
Who calls it a pork? These men . . . and the stuff they call a wee-wee . . .

Mark & Howard:
A wee-wee?

Rance:
You mean a penis, don't you?

Lucy:
A penis?

Janet:
Penis is such an ugly word!

Rance:
Not that ugly, really.

Mark:
Sure, I use it all the time.

Howard:
Sure, sure, we all say it every once in a while . . . listen . . .

Mark & Howard:
Penis!

Chorus:
Eeuoo!

Mark & Howard & Chorus:
Penis!
Penis!

Janet:
Eeuoo . . . it sounds so revolting the way you guys say it . . . eeuoo . . . ka-ka!

Janet & Lucy:
Ka-ka!

Rance:
A penis can be a very useful organ!

Howard:
Yeah, and very exciting too (once you get to know me).

Mark & Howard & Chorus:
Penis!

Lucy:
It sounds so overwhelmingly medicinal!

Janet:
A "penis" sounds like something a doctor would have hanging off of him.

Lucy:
None of the men I know and love in the rock & roll business got "penises." They all got cocks, or dicks at least.

Janet:
Sure . . . you want to go strap on a pop star and he wants to stuff a "penis" up you . . . where is that at?

Mark:
Let's ask our studio audience . . .
Will you trade what he has in his pants for what I have behind this curtain?

Janet:
What is it?

Lucy:
You mean what's in his pants?

Janet:
I know what's in his pants . . . He's a lonely guy.

Orchestra:
Take the money! Take the money!

Mark:
You have to choose before the big wheel stops whirling . . . You . . . Hey, buddy, sky marshall . . . go whirl the big wheel!

Lucy:
Can I just take the money?

Janet:
There isn't any money, just the curtain and . . .

Lucy:
. . . the lonely guy.

Orchestra:
Take the curtain! Take the curtain!

Mark:
Time is running out . . . think it over carefully!

Janet:
The curtain?

Lucy:
I want the money.

Janet:
Wait!
What could it be in there?

Lucy:
In his pants?

Janet:
In the curtain!

Howard:
Doesn't anybody care what's in my pants?

27. Scene 58: She Painted Up Her Face 1:43

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The stare
The stare

The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

28. Scene 60: Janet's Big Dance Number 1:13

 

29. Scene 61: Half A Dozen Provocative Squats 1:55

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour
She finishes her call
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots
Brushes her teeth
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat
It's getting her, getting her hot
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off
A sad but typical case, yeah
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft
She blew it
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah . . .

30. Scene 62: Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist 1:20

 

31. Scene 63: Shove It Right In 2:32

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

Provocative squats!
(La la la)
Provocative squats!
(La la la)
Provocative squats!
(La la la)
Provocative squats!
(La la la)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

32. Scene 67: "I Am Bwana Dik!" 1:46

Larry The Dwarf:
Hello there. All the guys in the band are pretending to get ready so they can go out and find some pussy.

Mark:
Oh, I wonder where the action is in this town?

Larry The Dwarf:
Every musician likes to find some pussy.

Howard:
Boy, I coulda really scored last night. But every night its the same thing—Aynsley gets there first. He's so fast! It must be from playing the drums or something. I mean, if those girls over there only knew my secret identity, but, but how could they? How— how could they know that I am Bwana Dik!

Aynsley:
Where's my hair dryer? Got to look lovely for the girls. After all, I am Bwana Dik!

Larry The Dwarf:
Each guy has his own speciality for getting the girl of his dreams.

Howard:
I sprayed my pits, I put on a new tie-dye t-shirt, I brushed my teeth.

Mark:
I cleaned my glasses.

Ian:
I buffed my nails.

George:
I bought a copy of Down Beat so I could carry it around and look like I knew what was happening.

Aynsley:
I left my shirt unbuttoned at the top.

Larry The Dwarf:
I stuffed three pair of socks and a bar of beauty soap down the front of my pants.

Howard:
I just know I'm gonna get laid tonight. I'm not taking any chances. Got this little jar of tinsel glitter here, the same brand Danny Hutton puts on his face, makes him look all glistening and seductive. Just put a little on here . . . the cheeks . . . the chin . . . mmm, near the quivering lips . . . I'm so commercial I could die!

33. Scene 68-69: What Will This Morning Bring Me This Evening 2:38

2nd Part:

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

Howard:
Somebody . . . turn on a blue spotlight!

What will this morning
Bring me this evening?
Some local hot action
(I'm a young lonely guy)
Before we are leaving

Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found
In the town your band been
Booked to play in
It's always a little bit harder
To score if it's just your first time
In a town you never hit before

If you played in it once
And got laid
You've got it made
Oh, got it made, oh!
If it's just your first time
Then you know it's no fun
To go back to a plastic hotel all alone

Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found

Mark: None may resist me.

Three cheeseburgers.

Boy, do I need it!

Open up! Open up!
Wait a minute! Open up!
Open the door!

Ooh, do you like my new car?

34. Scene 77: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy 3:19

includes a quotation from Tell Me You Love Me

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off

She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

That she knows what she wants
Knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
She's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
And she drove to the club
You know that her and her partner
Came here lookin' for love
They want a guy from a group
Got a thing in the charts
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
Know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
They got their eyes on you

Fam-bam-yak-a-ta-tah!

They know what they want
They know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night
Screamin' all night

Ooh, do you like my new car?
It's a Bentley!
Ooh, do you like my new car?
It's a Cooper!
Ooh, do you like my new car?
It's a Chevy!
Ooh, do you like my new car?
Or a Lincoln!
Ooh, do you like my new car?
[...]
Ooh, do you
like my new car?
[...]
Ooh, do you like my new car?
[...]
Ooh, do you like my new car?
[...]

disc 4

1. Scene 90: Biff Debris & Jeff 4:38

Don:
Oh, wow, what a night. What's the matter, didn't you get any action tonight?

Jeff (Martin):
Didn't you use to be with The Mothers?

Don:
Yeah.

Jeff (Martin):
This what you do now?

Don:
I've got my own group too. I don't mind being in this movie. I get a chance to transform a few times, drink these vile foamy liquids.

Jeff (Martin):
What kind of a life is that?

Don:
It's not that bad! Really! I like to be a monster every once in a while!

Jeff (Martin):
No one'll ever take you seriously after this.

Don:
Why, because I transform? I like to be a monster! There's a little monster in every one of us.

Jeff (Martin):
You'll probably stay here for the rest of your life with your fake potions and your twisted monster face. You coulda been something in rock & roll.

Don:
I tried to get a hit single. It drove me to drink.

Jeff (Martin):
Go on, laugh about it! You coulda been a star! You coulda spread your aura across vast continental areas, your name on millions of small hot lips whispering under secure pink blankets in the lonely midnight dark. But, what do you do? You join The Mothers and you end up working for Zappa! And he makes you be a creep! You could have played the blues with John Mayall or far-out exciting jazz with Blood, Sweat & Tears.

Don:
You really think so?

Jeff (Martin):
Look, no one'll ever take you seriously after this. How can they take you seriously? In this business you either gotta play the blues or sing with a high voice.

Don:
You're right. I never should have joined The Mothers. Why, I could be a star now! Oh . . .
When I think of all those millions of . . .

Jeff (Martin):
Hey.

Don:
Hot pink juicy little . . .

Jeff (Martin):
Hey. Listen, do you know where I can uh, get any dope in this imaginary town?

Don:
Man, there's no dope in this town. Just these vile foamy liquids.

Jeff (Martin):
They're fake, aren't they?

Don:
No, they're real! I mix them myself at home, and then I bring them in the morning . . . secret spiritual formulas . . .

Jeff (Martin):
Ew, what's a secret spiritual formula?

Don:
The stuff that goes in the elixir or potion, whatever I mix is irrelevant to the result.

Jeff (Martin):
You mean they're fake potions, right?

Don:
Look, it doesn't matter what's in the mix. It's the liquid! The concept of the liquid is enough to trigger a special cosmic aware state. It's because I'm so spiritually evolved.

Jeff (Martin):
Oh, listen, I just wanna get out of it and go back to me fake motel room and play the blues, you know. Fuck your spiritual evolvement. Anyway, what happens if a new and exciting blues talent such as meself drinks your stuff?

Don:
Here. Take this back to your fake room. Drink it.

Jeff (Martin):
I'd feel a lot happier if there was something I could smoke.

Don:
Well, here. Dip this in it. Now, let it dry out. That ought to get you a little high. Or something.

Jeff (Martin):
Ew, I can't take you seriously.

Don:
Look, you might as well take this too.

Jeff (Martin):
I know it's only fake stuff. So listen, we should get together sometime. Have a jam. Hey, play some blues. Extensions! Work out some extended blues licks. White people can play the blues, you know.

Don:
Paul! . . . Oh. Frank! . . . Yeah, I gave it to him . . . Yeah, he went back to the special room . . . No, no. He's gonna smoke it . . . Yeah, right . . . Hey, listen. You got any idea when we're gonna get paid for this?

2. Scene 84-85: Penis Dimension 4:39

Penis dimension!
Penis dimension?
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan?
That the size of your cock
Is not monstrous enough

No!

It's your penis dimension
Penis dimension

Mark:
Hiya, friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possibility that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of subconscious tension? Weird twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A Jesuit Monk! A rock & roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or, in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone beef-up, they become writers of hot books . . .

Howard:
"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim . . ."

Mark:
Yes, or they become Carmelite Nuns . . .

Howard:
". . . Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit . . ."

Mark:
. . . Or race horse jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the troubles of the world!

Howard:
Right on! Right on!

Mark:
Now, if you are a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school . . .

Mark & Howard:
"Anything over a mouthful is wasted!"

Mark:
Yes, and isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool—I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool—and somebody hits on you one night and he looks you up and down and he says . . .

Howard:
"Eight inches or less?"

Mark:
Well, let me tell you brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonafabitch right between the eyes and you got to tell him these words . . .

3. Scene 32: Mystery Roach (Acoustic)/"Yeah? Well Fine!" 1:20

How long?
How long?
Till my mystery roach be arrivin' soon
Yea-ooh, yea-ooh, yea-ooh, yea-ooh

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

Mark:
Room service?

Mark:
It's a good thing we get paid to do this . . . I could be at home getting reamed, or listening to my new Elton John album.

George:
Hey, man, what's that over there?

Howard:
It's him.

Howard:
Hi, man!

Ian:
Hi, Frank!

Mark:
Hi, man!

Aynsley:
Hi, Frank!

Jeff (Martin):
Hi, man!

George:
Hey, Frank!

Mark:
Hey, that's a great new song you wrote, you know, the one about the penis and everything? I was laughing a lot the whole time I was learning it!

Howard:
Yeah, we were all laughing, Frank!

All Mothers:
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
YEAH? WELL FINE!

4. Scene 71: What Will The Evening Bring Me This Morning 1:39

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight
(If things go all right)

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight?
(Will she be outa sight)

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning

A succulent fat one?
A mod little flat one?
Maybe a hot one
To give me the clap
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight

5. Scene 92: Jeff Flips Out/I'm Stealing The Room 2:55

Jeff (Martin):
So listen, we should get together sometime. Have a jam. Hey, play some blues. Extensions! Work out some extended blues licks. White people can play the blues, you know.
Extensions! Work . . .
Extensions! Work . . .
Extensions! Work . . .
Extensions! Work out some extended blues licks.
Work out some extended blues licks.

Don:
Yeah, I gave it to him . . . Yeah, he went back to the special room . . . No, no. He's gonna smoke it . . .

Howard:
Jeff has gone out there on that stuff.

Good Conscience (Mark):
He should have never have used the elixir and only stuck to the incense. Oh, Atlantis!

Mark:
That was Billy The Mountain dressed up like Donovan fading out on the wall mounted TV screen. Jeff is flipping out. Road fatigue. We've gotta get him back to normal before Zappa finds out and steals it and makes him do it in the movie!

Bad Conscience (Jim):
You have a brilliant career ahead of you, my boy. Just get out of this group!

Mark:
Howard! That was Studebaker Hoch dressed up like Jim Pons giving career guidance to the bass player of a rock-oriented comedy group. Jeff's imagination has gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension!

Howard:
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, The Phlorescent Leech!

Jeff (Howard):
I'm stealing the towels! Ha ha ha . . .

Mark:
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, Eddie!

Chorus:
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the . . .
I'm stealing the room
Stealing
I'm stealing the . . .
I am . . . mmm
Steel
I am steel
Steel
S-s-steel
I am steel
Steel

6. Scene 100: Strictly Genteel 5:02

includes a theme from Inca Roads

Theodore Bikel:
This, as you may have gathered, is the end of the movie. The entire cast is assembled here at the Centerville Recreational Facility to bid farewell to you and to express thanks for your attendance at this theater. This might seem old fashioned to some of you, but I'd like to join in on this song. It's the kind of a sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie. It's the kind of a song that people might sing to let you in the audience know that we really like you, we care about you, yeah. Understand how hard it is to laugh these days with all the terrible problems in the world.

Lord have mercy on the people in England
For the terrible food these people must eat
(Aaaarr . . . Excuse me a minute.)
And may the Lord have mercy on the fate of this movie
And God bless the mind of the man in the street

Chorus:
Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen
And the terrible functions they all must perform
God help the winos, the junkies and the weirdos

Soprano:
And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm

Group & Chorus:
Help everybody so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend
Some real satisfaction

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
A room and a meal and a garbage disposal
A lawn and a hose'll be strictly genteel

Group:
Lord have mercy on the hippies and faggots
And the dykes and the weird little children they grow

Help the black man
Help the poor man
Help the milk man
Help the door man
Help the lonely neglected old farts that I know

Mark:
Well, it certainly has been swell . . .

JCB:
If your name wasn't on the list of blessings we've been passing out tonight, we don't want you to be pissed off.

Howard:
No.

Mark:
We don't want you to leave that theater either. There's more to come.

Theodore Bikel:
Forgive him, for he knows not what he does. Stop. On the other hand, maybe he does know.

Mark:
But before we go on, I'd like to introduce to you my good friend and musical associate, Mr. Howard Kaylan, who's about to give us the closing final benediction . . .

7. Scene 100: 200 Motels Finale 10:12

Howard:
They're gonna clear out the studio
They're gonna tear down all the . . .
They're gonna whip down all the . . .
They're gonna sweep out all the . . .
They're gonna pay off all the . . .

Mark:
Oh, yeah!

Group:
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .

Howard:
Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
Talkin' 'bout every one of our lovely and talented dancers
Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men
Camera men
The make-up men

Mark:
The fake-up men

Howard:
Yeah, the rake-up men

?:
[...]

Mark:
They're all gonna rise up!

Howard:
They're gonna jump up
I said jump up
Talkin' 'bout jump right up on off the floor
Jump right up and hit the door

Mark:
They're all gonna rise up and jump off!

Group:
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home

Howard:
And once again
Take themselves
Seriously

Group:
Yeah!

Howard:
Two, three, four, seriously!

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home, yeah

Group:
Through the driving sleet and rain

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home

Group:
Through the fog
Through the dust
Through the tropical fever
And the blistering frost

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home, yeah

Howard:
And get out of it as they can be, baby

Mark:
And the same goes for me

JCB:
Well, the same goes for me

Group:
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

Howard:
And each and every member of this rock oriented comedy group in his own special way
Gonna get out of it as he can be

Group:
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted

Howard:
And I am definitely gonna get reamed
'Cause I'm such a lonely
I'm such a lonely
A lonely, lonely
Talkin' 'bout a lonely guy!

Oh, and I know tonight, I am definitely . . .
I am positively . . .
I just have to get . . .

Group:
Bent, reamed and wasted!

JCB:
A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey!

Howard:
He's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't do it if it weren't for this. You noticed, all through this material, I've been glancing over toward my left? Well, I'll tell you the reason for that, ladies and gentlemen. He is over there. He is over on the left. He is the guy that is making me do all this shit. Right over there. Now all through this movie, every time we've been on stage, I've had to look over in that direction, right? You saw it. You know. Well that's 'cause he's over there. I've got to watch him for time. He jumps up and down like a jackass. I can't even believe the guy sometimes. But we gotta watch him. "After all," we said, "it's Frank's movie." Now, we're The Mothers, but it's still Frank's movie, you understand? He got the bread for this, he rented the studio, had all these cheesy sets painted. It's so moche! I can't even stand it . . . Here we are. He's telling everybody, right now, right over there, to . . .

FZ:
Very quiet.

?:
Zappa! . . . Zappa! Zappa!

Howard:
They gonna ride on home
They gonna ride on home
We're gonna ride on home
Let's go! Gonna ride on home
Yeah, I'm gonna ride on home
We're gonna leave the theater
Get it out town
Nobody home
To our wives and our moms
Gonna ride on home
We're gonna ride on home!
We're gonna ride on
All right . . .
Get out of it as we can do
Gonna get wasted
Gonna get twisted
Gonna get bent
Gonna get reamed
We're gonna ride home . . .
Talkin' about cheap thrills
Talkin' about cheap thrills
Talkin' about cheap thrills . . .

Group:
Ride on home
Ride on home
Ride on home
Ride on home . . .

Howard:
Mystery Roach . . .
What are we singing about?

8. "I Was Gonna Make A Movie One Time…" 0:20

Fall 1966
Interview with Mike Cole

Mike Cole: How about movies? You think you're going and, uh, playing around shooting movies or anything like that? Color? Pictures?

FZ: Yeah. That's, that's a lot of fun. I really enjoy that. I was gonna make a movie one time. And then another time I was gonna make a movie. And a couple of times after that I was gonna make a movie. I suppose one of these days I'll make a movie.

9. 200 Motels Movie Ad #1 0:25

Coming! Soon!
To a theater or drive-in near you!
Frank Zappa's epic motion picture 200 Motels!
See The Mothers Of Invention!
See Theodore Bikel!
See Ringo Starr!
See Keith Moon!
See groupies and weirdos beyond your wildest expectations!
200 Motels, you can't believe the expense
The lavishness
The romance
The intrigue
The mystery
The ah-ooh,
200 Motels
Coming soon to a theater or drive-in near you

10. What's The Name Of Your Group? (FZ Edit) 2:59

includes Pound For A Brown

Interviewer (Soprano):

I don't know very much about you
I'm new at this you see
We just came to do an interview
Interview
I'll just get out my little notebook and pen

Why don't you tell me how you're feeling
About the world today
By the way what do you call your group
Call your group?
What the heck do you call your group?

I bet it's something freaky and obscene
And outasite, yeah!
I bet
Whatever the name of your group is
That it's real far out and groovy!

I'll get this shot and then
I'll get my book and ask a bunch
More fascinating stuff

Chorus:

When is your next LP to be released
And how long have you been growing your
How long have you been growing your hair?
Have you been to England yet
And how do they like your music over there?

How do they like it?

Soprano:

How do they like it?

Chorus:

How do they like it?

How do they like your music
Over there
Over there

11. 200 Motels Movie Ad #2 0:56

includes parts of Strictly Genteel and I'm Stealing The Towels

Coming! Soon!
To a theater or drive-in near you . . .
Frank Zappa's incredible epic 200 Motels!
See The Mothers Of Invention!
See Theodore Bikel!
See Ringo Starr!
See Keith Moon!
Romance!
Hot beats!
Romance!
Ah-ooh!
Hot beats!
Romance!
Mystery!
(Funny— You gotta throw in funny cars, man)
(Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh)
Hot beats!
Funny cars!

Help everybody, so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend
Some real satisfaction

That's right, you heard right
Frank Zappa's 200 Motels
With The Mothers Of Invention
Theodore Bikel
And Ringo Starr

Two Hundred Motels

12. FZ On Ringo Starr 0:15

Speaking Of Music With Frank Zappa
Exploratorium, San Francisco, CA
May 20, 1984

Audience Member:
Did Ringo Starr enjoy— enjoy being in the movie Two Thou—, uh, 200 Motels?

FZ:
Well, it's hard to tell, you know. I never bother to ask people whether or not they enjoy working for me. (Laughs.) But he still talks to me so I guess it wasn't too bad.

13. Ringo Starr On 200 Motels 2:59

Simon Prentis:
Tell us how you got involved in 200 Motels.

Ringo Starr:
Ah . . . It was very strange actually. A call came from the office—the Apple office at the time—that Frank Zappa had this idea and he wanted to come and present it to me. I thought, "Ah, great!" 'Cause, you know, I'd heard Frank's music and, you know, in a very musical way it was pretty wacky actually. And uh, so I invited Frank to, to my house where he, he came with a huge score. And he laid this huge score out and he said, "You know, I've got this idea—I wanna make this movie and here's the score." "Why are you showing me the score? I cannot read music. But because of that I will do the movie." So that's how it happened to me. It was very strange. So he told me he wanted me to play him, 'cause he just wanted to be like the musician in it. Also, it's like, you know, pretty strange like that Ringo playing Frank and then Frank being a musician, so it was a nice premise and I hung out with musicians. That was always a good deal.

Simon Prentis:
It was filmed in a very short period of time under very chaotic circumstances.

Ringo Starr:
It was filmed very fast, you know. A lot of it, you know—Though there was like the outline and some script, I mean, sometimes you just made it up. And you know, I was like the Devil Frank. And I would tape the band, when they were ordering food or whatever, you know, talking, and then Frank'd write a song about it and force them to play it and sing it, ha ha ha ha! Which was fun. So it was a really nice experience for me.

Simon Prentis:
In many ways it was a kind of a send-up of the whole pop star scene . . .

Ringo Starr:
It was.

Simon Prentis:
Does that appeal to you?

Ringo Starr:
It does. And uh, you couldn't get a bigger pop star than me at the time.

Simon Prentis:
What was it like working with him?

Ringo Starr:
It was good, you know. So, everyone had that image at the time—Frank, it was like this drug fiend and—you know, we all know now and I knew then that it's not something Frank got involved with at all. He just, uh—Just his image came across like, "God, he's gotta be on drugs," you know? And uh [...].

Simon Prentis:
Can you remember seen the film and did it . . .

Ringo Starr:
I did see the film. And well, yeah, it was good. You know it was good—again because it was fast and we did it, and it was just a film. Ah, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't pretentious, like, "Oh, we're making this movie!", like some rock & roll movies started to get in the end. It was good. It's nearly as good as Greaser's Palace. Anyway, that's it, really, I mean, what else can I say? It was a really nice experience, Frank was an incredible musician, and that's the end of it.

14. 200 Motels Movie Ad #3 0:54

includes part of I'm Stealing The Towels

Howard:
Oh, oh-oh . . . oh!

Jim:
Howard, you're dreaming.

Howard:
I must be dreaming.

Mark:
Howard, you're not dreaming.

Howard:
I'm not dreaming? You mean I really did see Frank Zappa's 200 Motels epic classic cinema feature with The Mothers Of Invention, Theodore Bikel, Ringo Starr, all sorts of weird stuff?

Jim:
No, no, no, no, my boy, Howard, there has never been a movie made like that, you were dreaming.

Howard:
That's what I thought, I said, "Who would spend the money to make a movie like that?" But then I thought . . .

Jim:
No one.

Mark:
Howard, Howard, let me tell you, Howard, remember years ago Frank talked about doing a movie and everybody said, "Rumour! Rumour! Rumour!"

Howard:
Yeah, they said it was never coming out.

Mark:
But it's finally come out, Howard.

Howard:
No.

Mark:
200 Motels can now be seen at all theaters and drive-ins . . .

Howard:
I don't . . .

Mark:
A United Artists film . . .

Howard:
Am I dreaming?

Mark:
Produced by Murakami Wolf/Bizarre Productions . . .

Jim:
Howard . . .

Mark:
You are not dreaming, I'm telling you.

Howard:
Am I dreaming?

Jim:
Howard, you are.

Two Hundred Motels

15. Motorhead's Midnight Ranch (Mix Outtake) 1:31

Cough!

Blorp!

16. Looking For Newts 3:21

You're looking for newts, Jim, remember.

Settle down! Settle down! You're petrified, orchestra. Be concerned. And you're upset, Jim. You can't find any. Yes, he's very worried. You're afraid of this creature. You're afraid of him. [...]

Roger, can you make noises? Ad lib. Ad hoc.

Okay, fellows. Action.

Much more berserk, fellows. Much more berserk.

Where are they? Come on, fellows. [...]

Come on. Don't [...]

Come on. Okay, hold it. Found one. It's all right. We've got one.

17. "They Are Only In It For The Money" 1:09

Indiana University Radio-TV Center
April 25, 1974

FZ, interviewed by Craig Eldon Pinkus

FZ:
The main thing that I consider before undertaking a work, you know, a long orchestral thing like that—you see in the old days, before I got a chance to work with a orchestra, before I found out that they are only in it for the money, and they're considering only their pensions and their rehearsal breaks and all those other little mechanical things that makes life in a symphony orchestra so delightful—when I found that out, it's— it turned me off so bad to writing for that medium. Because the orchestras that I had a chance to work with—the Los Angeles Philharmonic, the Royal Philharmonic in London—their attitude towards the performance of music in general seemed to me wrong, you know. They weren't putting enough personal energy into the performance of the music. I get a better performance out of the members of the group—you know, even though it's only a mere ten pieces I can make it sound like an orchestra with guts. And that's a thing that I miss from normal academic orchestral performance. It just doesn't have—it's not coming from the lower chakras, do you understand what I'm talking about?

18. 200 Motels Movie Ad #4 0:26

Jim:
Do you thing the Royal Philharmonic would play with Frank Zappa?

Howard:
Nooo . . . Of course they wouldn't. It was a dream. I knew it was a dream.

Mark:
You're not dreaming, Howard! You're not dreaming.

Howard:
I do have the ticket stub . . .

Mark:
You still have it, right? It's at the movies now. Finally, 200 Motels is at the drive-in.

Howard:
He really did it, no? Zappa really got a movie out there . . .

Jim:
No, no, there's no such movie, Howard, you are dreaming.

Mark:
You are not dreaming.

Howard:
But how come I have butter on my hands then, mmm . . .?

Mark:
Ha-ha-ha-ha . . .

FZ:
Hah hah hah hah!

Jim:
He he he . . .

19. 200 Motels Commercial Session Outtakes 10:41

includes parts of What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning, Strictly Genteel and I'm Stealing The Towels

FZ:
Okay, guys. Ready to do the commercial?

Mark & Howard:
Yeah! Here we go! All right!

FZ:
Come on! Let's go! Let's do this commercial now!

Mark:
All right, Frank, we're all ready! The guy is really nuts . . .

Howard:
I know . . .

Mark:
He is so innocent I can't believe it.

Howard:
Hmm, hmm . . .

Jim:
Then . . .

Mark:
Okay, here we go! Hi, hi, this is Mark and Howard and Jim here and we wanna tell you there's a great, great new movie out, yeah!

Howard:
Hi, hi . . . hi, hi . . . We're all in it and it's called 200 Motels.

Mark:
And I mean it is creative . . .

Jim:
Is he always like this?

Mark:
Who? Zappa?

Jim:
Mm-mmh.

Mark:
Yeah, ever since I've been in the band.

Howard:
We're rolling. We're rolling.

Jim:
We are? Oh.

Mark:
We're ro . . . Oh.

Jim:
Sorry.

Howard:
Take 2.

Mark:
Hi!

FZ:
Let's try another one, okay?

Mark:
Yeah.

Howard:
Okay.

Mark:
Sure, Frank. Ahemm ahemm. Hi!

FZ:
Let's try another one, okay?

Mark:
Yeah yeah, yeah. Fine. Just got it.

Jim:
He must have heard me.

Howard:
I think he did.

Jim:
Can he hear me in there when I . . .?

Howard:
He hears everything.

Mark:
Yeah, okay. Look at him, he's chewing a Baby Ruth in there.

Jim:
I've never been in a recording studio before.

Mark:
They're saving the little nuts for them!

Howard:
You've never been in a studio . . .

Jim:
Of course not.

Howard:
He's never been in a studio before.

Mark:
Puts 'em in his teeth, man.

Howard:
Zappa's never in a studio before . . .

FZ:
Let's try another one!

Mark:
Sure! Sure! We're ready, Frank. Rolling!

Howard:
Okay. Okay. Listen, I don't know what we're doing in here. It's kind of a mistake . . .

Mark:
We're advertising the . . .

Howard:
We have ten more minutes, man.

Mark:
Ten minutes . . . right.

Howard:
He's paying for this. It's a lucky thing, 'cause I have to leave quick.

Jim:
Listen.

Howard:
'Cause I gotta get out of it.

Jim:
My name is Jim.

Mark:
Hey!

Howard:
Hi, Jim.

Mark:
What's happened?

Jim:
Fred. He did introduce us.

Howard:
Oh, I'm Howard.

Mark:
This is Howard.

Jim:
How are you, Howard?

Howard:
We're from The Mothers, you know, the group you . . .

FZ:
You haven't met Jim. He's the bass player of the group.

Howard:
Oh.

Mark:
Oh.

Howard:
Oh. Well, the personnel changes so quick . . .

FZ:
Can we try it again, please?

Mark:
Yeah. Yeah.

Howard:
Okay. Mmh mmh . . .

Mark:
Okay. Sincere now, Howard. We're gonna make 'em believe that we love the movie.

Howard:
Well, we do love him. We love the movie and we loved being a part of it. But shlepping to make a commercial in this little rancid studio is not my idea of a good time.

Mark:
Right. We don't . . . Okay. Roll it, Frank! We're ready to go!

FZ:
Okay, let's take one now!

Mark:
Okay. Hi, kids!

Howard:
Hi!

Mark:
Hey . . .

Jim:
Hello. Hello.

Mark:
Howie here and Mark.

Howard:
Hey.

Jim:
Hello.

Mark:
Hey, you remember us?

Jim:
And . . . Jim?

Mark:
Those guys with the [shells]. Ha ha ha! Well, let me tell you . . .

Howard:
Oh, yes.

Mark:
We're in a big new movie that Frank produced and it's really coming out and it's, it's no, no kidding around this time. We wanna tell . . .

Howard:
What's it called?

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

Jim:
You are dreaming . . .

Howard:
I'm so sleepy today.

Mark:
Howard, listen to the album! On United Artists. It's got the Royal Philharmonic . . .

Howard:
I just love the Royal Philharmonic.

Mark:
It's got The Mothers Of Invention, it's got a whole choir of singers and they're singing songs about . . .

A Swedish apparatus with a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven, honey, how do it feel?

Howard:
Ooh . . . Oh . . .

Two Hundred Motels

FZ:
Let's try another one! Okay?

Howard:
Okay.

Mark:
What is wrong, what's wrong with him? I mean . . . man.

Howard:
. . . there's money we're spending . . .

Jim:
He's always like this?

Mark:
It's a good thing he's paying.

Howard:
It's not always like this, I mean, sometimes the guy can't see . . .

Mark:
. . . I wanna tell you . . .

Engineer:
We're rolling.

Mark:
Yeah.

Jim:
How long is this gonna take?

Howard:
I don't know, man, we've been here a couple hours.

Mark:
Let me tell you, it's a good thing we get paid to do this.

Howard:
Yeah.

Jim:
We were supposed to be out of here an hour ago.

Howard:
Is your old lady picking you up, man?

Mark:
No, man, I rode with Jim.

Howard:
Oh, yeah? Well listen, I hope this commercial stuff gets out of the way. The guy makes a movie and he goes off the deep end, you know what I mean?

Mark:
Really, he thinks he's Fellini or something.

Howard:
Yeah, and he gets us to come out here and make all these cheap commercials. You know, we're supposed to say, "United Artists presents 200 Motels. Murakami Wolf/Bizarre Productions. And it's got The Mothers Of Invention and it's got Theodore Bikel and it's got Ringo Starr and it's got all sort of weirdness there," you know.

Mark:
Who wants to hear that stuff?

Howard:
I mean, I don't know if I can . . . I mean who's gonna buy a movie with newts and concentration camps?

Mark:
Anyway after all the things that Zappa's promised anyway for the last five years, movie-wise . . .

Howard:
Yeah, they don't even think it is a movie now. I mean . . .

Jim:
I'm not even in the movie. I was hitch-hiking on Sunset.

Howard:
That's right! You never made that movie.

Jim:
No.

Howard:
That was cool to do and all but I, you know, a cheap get-off I mean. I don't know what we're doing on here. Lookit, man, it's almost ten minutes of eight.

Mark:
Well . . .

Howard:
What do you think, uh? Good thing we're getting paid to do this.

Mark:
It's always the same.

Howard:
Where's Zappa?

Mark:
I mean, he says, "Do it," we do it and we do it.

Howard:
What's it called?

Mark:
200 Motels.

Howard:
200 Motels.

Mark:
Not 2000 Motels, and it's not a documentary, it's a silly fun-filled event.

Howard:
There's lots of music and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.

FZ:
Did you read the press kit? Make your eyebrows go up and down.

Mark:
Oh, yeah, make your . . . Hey!

Howard:
Hey! Oh!

FZ:
That's it! Let's try another one!

Mark & Howard:
Okay!

Mark:
Okay. Hey. Take it, Howie!

Howard:
Hey, thanks a lot, kids, and hiya, hiya, hiya! We're three guys from The Mothers Of Invention and I wanna tell you we've got a snazzy new movie for you to see in your . . .

Mark:
Wait a minute, wait a minute

Jim:
Wait, really.

Mark:
Why don't you say something, Jim?

Jim:
I just, I'm not, I just hitchhiked, I was hitchhiking and Frank picked me up and said, uh, come in . . .

Mark:
"You wanna be in the band?," right?

Jim:
He wanted me to talk 'cause I have a low voice or something. I don't really know what's happening, man.

Howard:
He pays me to sing 'cause I've got a high one!

Mark:
He pays me to sing 'cause I can sing higher than Howie!

Howard:
That's right.

Jim:
Is this, is this supposed to be a commercial?

Howard:
This is supposed to be a commercial for . . .

Mark:
Commercial . . .

FZ:
Ha! Let's try another one!

Howard:
Hey! Another one!

Mark:
Yeah. Ah, this is a commercial for the movie 200 Motels. You haven't heard anything about it?

Jim:
No. What?

Mark:
Theodore Bikel's in it.

Jim:
What? 200 Motels?

Howard:
Ringo Starr's in it.

Mark:
Keith Moon! Where've you been at, man?

Howard:
All The Mothers Of Invention.

Mark:
. . . It's been in Rolling Stone and stuff . . .

Jim:
I just came down from Big Sur.

Mark:
Oh, no wonder, Esalen out there.

Howard:
Oh . . . no pants on. Can you tell right away.

Mark:
Oh, he's naked through the trees.

Jim:
What about 200 Motels?

Mark:
Oh, it's a movie. United Artists. They gave him Frank the money and get a movie.

Howard:
That's right. Finally a movie. It's thrilling. It's good and everything.

Mark:
. . . Got some cartoon and stuff.

Howard:
It's a double record set with a, with poster and a book.

Mark:
A double record set with a poster and a book and uh, Howard's in it!

Jim:
And he makes you guys stand in here and . . .

Howard:
Well, you know . . .

Mark:
He makes us do everything.

Howard:
You've gotta get some bread even if you wanna drop out.

Jim:
Yeah, yeah.

Mark:
You know, man, it's hard.

Jim:
That's why I came to Hollywood.

Howard:
To drop out?

Jim:
Yeah. No, to make some bread.

Howard:
Then you can drop out.

Jim:
Yeah.

Howard:
Gonna get your head together?

Mark:
Head together. Sorta.

Jim:
Yeah. But I'll make it.

Howard:
Yeah. I don't blame you.

Jim:
Does he pay you for this?

Howard:
Well, you know . . .

Mark:
Well . . . let's discuss . . .

Jim:
Tell me about the movie.

Mark:
Well, the movie is long, it's full length, yeah.

Howard:
Oh, it's a full length feature. Oh, and it's, it's really interesting, I mean.

Mark:
The drive in.

Howard:
Even if you weren't into the kind of a, of a social rock perverse avant garde commentary that this movie proposes to be, you would get off cheaply.

Mark:
It's an 'R.'

Howard:
Yeah.

Jim:
Is it?

Howard:
But it's clean.

Mark:
Not the least bit offensive.

Howard:
Not even to your . . .

Jim:
Is it out soon?

Mark:
Out soon.

Howard:
Out now!

Mark:
I think you'd like it.

Jim:
Who's in it?

Howard:
Oh . . .

Mark:
Ah, I'm in it.

Howard:
Oh, I'm in it.

Jim:
Yeah?

Howard:
Yeah.

Mark:
And who cares who else is in it?

Howard:
Once you got us, man, there you go, you know.

Mark:
I mean, Ringo Starr's in it, but he looks like Frank through the whole movie.

Howard:
Yeah. Theodore Bikel's in it, but he talks with a funny accent.

Mark:
Oh, Frank's back, Frank's back.

FZ:
Listen. You think you can explain a little bit more about how inoffensive it is?

Mark:
Sure.

Howard:
Mmm . . .

Mark:
It's not offensive at all!

Jim:
Is it rated 'R'?

Mark:
Rated 'R.' But it's clean. I mean there are some things in it that . . .

Jim:
I would think any movie Frank Zappa produced would be . . .

Howard:
Well, you see. But that's the fallacy, that the image of the thing . . .

Mark:
Don't say "fallaccy." Don't ever say "fallaccy."

Howard:
I didn't ever say that.

Mark:
Because it is . . .

Howard:
This movie is not offensive.

Jim:
Is there any nudity?

Howard:
Well, uh . . .

Mark:
Well, umm . . .

Jim:
Of course, well, I'm . . .

Howard:
But the body is such a beautiful thing . . . I mean, you know. . .

Mark:
You can't say that it's offensive. I mean, you know, it's got a . . .

Howard:
I mean, you come from Big Sur, don't you?

Mark:
It's got a dog in it!

Jim:
Yes, I do.

Howard:
You hitchhiked from Big Sur?

Jim:
But I'm 69 years old too.

Howard:
Well . . .

Mark:
You're 69?

Howard:
It's never too late.

Jim:
Yeah. I've been living in Big Sur.

Howard:
All these years? No wonder he didn't know that 200 Motels was coming out.

Mark:
All these years . . . No wonder.

Jim:
Are there any four-letter words?

Mark:
Four-letter.

Howard:
Four-letter words . . .

Mark:
Well, I mean to you they might seem offensive, four-letter words, but to me, I mean I am free, you know?

Jim:
Of course. You got, you have long hair.

Howard:
Cleansed.

Mark:
Liberated.

Howard:
Liberated?

Mark:
Thank you. And I, to me four-letter words are as, you know . . .

Jim:
Right.

Mark:
. . . natural as the driven snow.

Howard:
Yeah. I've often said that.

Jim:
Right. You're typical.

Howard:
Typical of the young.

Jim:
Typical of the wandering youth.

Howard:
The long-haired, uh . . .

Jim:
Yeah . . .

Howard:
What's the matter with you, old man?

Jim:
Well, I don't know.

Howard:
What do you got, the downs on us or something?

Mark:
It's not offensive.

Jim:
Not against you personally, not against you personally.

Howard:
It's releasing, man, I mean . . . Who is this guy?

Jim:
I told you.

Mark:
I think it's Frank's dad.

Jim:
No, no, no.

Howard:
You pick up the weirdest guys on the road, I'm telling you. Look at his teeth . . .

Mark:
Hey, Frank! Who is this guy?

FZ:
This is Jim Pons, our new bass player!

Howard:
Oh, you're not in the movie?

Jim:
No, I'm not in the movie.

Mark:
Oh, well, I can see why you're so . . .

Howard:
No wonder he's bitter.

Mark:
Oh, bitter.

Howard:
Bitter . . . old hard cheese.

Mark:
Right. "I'm not in the movie, it can't be good." Right, Jim? Right?

Jim:
Right. Well. No.

Howard:
I'll tell you, man. The movie didn't offend me.

Mark:
Oh, me neither.

Howard:
I mean, I, I consider myself, you know . . .

Mark:
I mean, I have been offended before.

Howard:
People have called me a professional liberal but they've also said wild-eyed radical. So, who's to say, you know what I mean?

Mark:
Oh, I know what you mean.

Howard:
Yeah, well. Who's this guy?

Mark:
You know what he means?

Jim:
I have no idea what any of you mean. I was hitchhiking on the, on Sunset Boulevard . . .

FZ:
Tell 'em about the album.

Jim:
Frank Zappa stopped me and said, "Hey, uh, I've just decided with the rest of the fellas that the next person that I stop and pick up hitchhiking would be the bass player in my band."

Mark:
Mmmh . . .

Jim:
I don't . . .

FZ:
Just like Martin!

Howard:
Just like Martin.

Jim:
I have no, I don't even know how to play bass, much less what a bass is.

Howard:
Oh, you'll fit into the group real good.

Jim:
You know, I'm just standing here just trying to watch you, guys, and see how the record industry operates.

Howard:
Record? We've got an album that comes from this movie.

Jim:
That's what I heard.

Howard:
It's not offensive either.

Mark:
No, no, it isn't.

Howard:
No.

Mark:
Got lots of good music on it.

Jim:
What is, a soundtrack?

Howard:
Good songs. Yes, a soundtrack. It's a double record set. It's got the Royal Philharmonic . . .

Mark:
Two, that means, that means four sides. Double record set.

Howard:
Double. We're going too fast with the variety terms.

Howard:
Yeah. He's an old man.

Jim:
You mean two actually, two actually records, two actually . . .

Howard:
Yes, two records. Four sides.

Mark:
Two actual records. Got a little book.

Howard:
Turn it over, you know.

Mark:
Got a little book inside with a poster.

Howard:
Burp.

Mark:
16 uh . . .

FZ:
Hi, guys.

Howard:
Hi, Frank.

Mark:
Hi, Frank.

FZ:
How's the session, guys?

Howard:
Oh, good. Who is this guy you picked up, man?

Mark:
Who is this bass player?

FZ:
This is Jim Pons, he used to work with The Turtles.

Howard:
Hi, Jim.

Mark:
Hey, Jim.

Jim:
Howard.

Howard:
A pleasure, man.

Mark:
How you doing?

Jim:
Mark.

Mark:
Good to meet you.

Howard:
Yeah. Good to see you.

Jim:
Sorry, I had no chance to introduce myself earlier.

Ho ward:
Well, I'm a little shy about introducing myself.

Jim:
I was just down on Wilcox.

FZ:
I want, I want . . .

Howard:
Oh, yeah.

FZ:
Would you guys read part of this?

Mark:
Sure. Sure.

Howard:
Okay. Would you like any specific kind of . . .

Mark:
Maybe Jim should use, do that part.

FZ:
Yeah.

Jim:
Well, you know, I've never . . .

Mark:
Well, see, it can't be that hard.

Howard:
Yeah. Come on, man. I mean . . .

Mark:
Let me get a music stand.

Howard:
I saw six foot newts! I saw concentration camps . . .

Jim:
Those are only the things you see in your dreams.

Howard:
That's what I said to myself.

Mark:
They are not dreams, Howard, they are real. And they are at a theater or a drive-in and they are United Artists and they are Frank Zappa. They are 200 Motels.

20. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? (Mix Outtake) 2:26

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-Toon Ran-Tan Na-Na-Hamninn
Two Hundred Motels

Jeff (Howard):
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the room

Chorus:
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the . . .
I'm stealing the room
Stealing
I'm stealing the . . .
I am . . . mmm
Steel
I am steel
Steel
S-s-steel
I am steel
Steel

21. "I Shall Ruin All The Tapes" 0:25

Tony Palmer: I'll kill your husband before tomorrow evening, I'll kill him!
Gail Zappa: Why? What happened now?
Tony Palmer: I'm warning you, if he comes in and interferes with the editing, I shall ruin all the tapes, I shall take a magnet and ruin all the tapes!
Gail Zappa: Okay, Tony. I'll remember you said that.

22. Janet's Big Dance Number (Basic Tracks) 1:20

 

23. Martin Lickert Voice-Over 0:22

Jeff (Martin):
Ah . . . But, what if he's watching me stealing ashtrays? What if he's watching me stealing ashtrays and then he steals the idea of me stealing the ashtrays and writes a song about it and I have to act it out later? He always watches me and listens to me.

24. Touring Can Make You Crazy (Mix Outtake) 2:53

 

25. Penis Dimension (Instrumental Alternate Take) 2:12

Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan?
That the size of your cock
Is not monstrous enough

No!

It's your penis dimension
Penis dimension

26. Centerville (Mix Outtake) 2:51

 

27. Mystery Roach (Alternate Master) 3:26

Say!

Look out!
Look out!
Look out!

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach be arrivin' soon
Yea-ooh, yea-ooh, yea-ooh, yea-ooh

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach been gone
Yea-oooh
Yea-oooh

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Howard:
Ah! Hold it! Wait a minute!
Stop the music!
Please . . .
Hold it!
Wait a minute!
Ah . . .
What are we singing about?
Mystery roach?
Flipping out!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach! . . .

28. Magic Fingers (Mix Outtake) 2:58

Ooh, the way you love me, lady
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
Well, you know I do, babe

Mark:
Well, tell me why you do it
'Cause I really wanna know

Howard:
Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Or I'll dress up and go!

Howard:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Don't you treat me cold

Howard:
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

Well . . .

29. 200 Motels Movie Ad #5 0:55

includes parts of I'm Stealing The Towels, Strictly Genteel (which includes a theme from Inca Roads) and Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You?

Murakami Wolf/Bizarre Productions present:

Two Hundred Motels

That's right, you heard right
Frank Zappa's 200 Motels
With The Mothers Of Invention
Theodore Bikel
And Ringo Starr

Two Hundred Motels

disc 5

1. What Is 200 Motels? 2:58

FZ:
Domestic press come in New York?

Engineer:
Okay, we're rolling.

FZ:
. . . Also.

Jim:
Well, can I ask you a question about the movie?

Howard:
Yeah.

Mark:
Sure.

Jim:
I mean, what, what is it?

Howard:
Well . . .

Mark:
Tell him, Howard, you . . .

Howard:
I'll tell ya. As far as we're concerned 200 Motels is, is like a surrealistic documentary, you know. It's just a collage of real events and, and time spent on the road and, and conceptual byproducts of the actual guys in the group and things that happened. It's really hard to explain, it's one of those things you've got to see, you know.

Jim:
Well, still. So tell me, you haven't told me. What is it?

FZ:
200 Motels is a surrealistic documentary, but it might also be helpful to think of the overall shape of the film in the same way you might think of the shape of a piece of orchestra music, with light motifs, harmonic transpositions, slightly altered repetitions, cadences, atonal areas, counterpoint, polyrhythmic textures, onomatopoeic imitations.

Howard:
Heh?

FZ:
Et cetera. That means imitations of the sounds of nature.

Jim:
Yeah, well. In the first place I hate orchestra music. Hate it. And I have no idea what any of those things are, you know. I don't know what you're talking about. I only like rock & roll. Tell me, is this a rock & roll movie or not?

FZ:
This is a rock & roll movie. And it is also an or what, not an or not. Granting the fact that The Mothers tend to operate somewhere on the uttermost fringes of your real life rock & roll conciousness, the film is an extension and a projection of the group specialized view of and participation in this intriguing area of contemporary human experience. In other words, two— Ha ha ha!

Mark:
You're not dreaming.

Howard:
I'm so sleepy.

Mark:
You're not dreaming.

FZ:
200 Motels . . . Ha ha ha!

Howard:
Am I dreaming?

Mark:
You're not dreaming.

FZ:
. . . deals with things like . . .

Howard:
I dreamt I saw 200 Motels . . .

FZ:
Groupies! Life on the road!

Howard:
. . . with Frank Zappa . . .

FZ:
Relationship to audience!

Howard:
The Mothers Of Invention.

FZ:
Group personality chemistry!

Howard:
Theodore Bikel!

FZ:
Macrobiotic food and tie-dye shirts!

Howard:
Ringo Starr! Keith Moon!

FZ:
Et cetera. It deals with things. In ways you might not expect or approve of, simply because The Mothers is not your average sort of pop group.

Howard:
Say that again.

FZ:
And if for instance we have experiences with groupies on the road in Winnipeg Ranger, Ranger Alert . . . theses experiences will not be very ordinary, no, siree! Our relationship to audiences is not ordinary, no no no. Our group personality chemistry is not ordinary . . .

Mark & Howard:
Ha ha . . . ha ha ha . . . ha ha . . .

FZ:
Therefore an ordinary documentary based on our exploits wouldn't be ordinary . . .

Howard:
No!

FZ:
And a surrealistic documentary extended from these circumstances might seem to be just a little peculiar at first.

Howard:
Don't let it shake you though.

Jim:
Well, okay, if you can't tell me what it is, and you obviously can't, tell me what happens in it, you know. Something. Anything. Help me! God!

2. Theodore Bikel Voice-Over (Alternate Take) 0:32

Theodore Bikel:
What our studio audience doesn't know is that the reason Larry the Dwarf is doing all this stuff is because it's all part of the score to 200 Motels. Every word, every action. The lamp. The reproductive orifice. It's all in the score, so he has to do it. This whole event is a fantasy that occurred touring on the road. Touring can make you crazy, ladies and gentlemen. That is precisely what 200 Motels is all about.

3. Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture (Mix Outtake) 2:09

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies and gentlemen

The true story of

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels

Theodore Bikel:
Two Hundred Motels
Life on the road!

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies and gentlemen!
And here he is!

Chorus:
Who?

Theodore Bikel:
Larry the Dwarf!

Chorus:
Yay!

Theodore Bikel:
Larry likes to dress up funny. Tonight he's dressed up like Frank Zappa. Let's ask him what's the deal.

4. What's The Name Of Your Group? (Complete Sequence, Part I) 3:42

includes Pound For A Brown

Scene 5, Take 4.

Interviewer (Soprano):

I don't know very much about you
I'm new at this you see
We just came to do an interview
Interview
I'll just get out my little notebook and pen

Why don't you tell me how you're feeling
About the world today
By the way what do you call your group
Call your group?
What the heck do you call your group?

I bet it's something freaky and obscene
And outasite, yeah!
I bet
Whatever the name of your group is
That it's real far out and groovy!

I'll get this shot and then
I'll get my book and ask a bunch
More fascinating stuff

Chorus:

When is your next LP to be released
And how long have you been growing your
How long have you been growing your hair?
Have you been to England yet
And how do they like your music over there?

How do they like it?

Soprano:

How do they like it?

Chorus:

How do they like it?

How do they like your music
Over there
Over there

5. What's The Name Of Your Group? (Complete Sequence, Part II) 2:45

Interviewer (Soprano):

I don't know too much about this stuff
I've been a little busy
This won't take long
Just a few questions

This won't take long
Just a few questions

This won't take long
Just a few questions
Just a few questions

This won't take long
This won't take long
This won't take long
This won't take long

This won't take long
This won't take long

6. What's The Name Of Your Group? (Complete Sequence, Part III) 2:13

 

7. Can I Help You With This Dummy? 2:05

 

8. Pianos For The Pleated Gazelle 1:16

 

9. Synth Tracks I 1:29

 

10. Would You Like A Snack? (Alternate Take) 2:10

Went on the road
For a month touring
What a drag
You've gotta go
Even if you'd rather be at home
Flaked out in Hollywood
Drove to Inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit into the plane at five o' three
What's it gonna be?
Chicken, beef or turkey?
La la la la
Would you like a snack?

Ah! We-ooh
Ah! We
Just arrived
Gee, this place is thrilling!

Mark:
Oh, I'd give my soul for a double cheeseburger from a famous American Burger Chain with a yellow plastic symbol in the parking lot that goes like this . . .

Rance Muhammitz
Rance Muhammitz
Rance

11. Howard Kaylan/Mark Volman Voice-Over 0:15

Howard:
(Sniff) Do you smell something weird?

Mark:
(Sniff, sniff) It is a double cheeseburger from a famous American Burger Chain with a symbol in the parking lot that's yellow plastic and goes like this . . . in a steaming briefcase!

12. Centerville (Rough Mix) 2:53

. . . your kids up

Centerville
It's really neat!

Churches!
Churches!
And liquor stores!

Bowling alleys!
Just like Glendale!

Look!
Over there . . .
It's a rancid boutique!

You know what
Kind of a girl works in a boutique!

Howard:
Yeah, I know what kind of a girl works in a boutique. The kind of a girl who has a sister who would wear a brassiere . . .

13. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue, Mix Outtake) 0:56

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
I think we played this one before

14. Tuna Fish Promenade (Mix Outtake) 2:30

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a place for us to play
To help us pay
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.

All the people in the sandwich town
Think the place is great!
What if part of it's crumblin' down?
Most of them prob'ly won't be 'round

They'll either be dead
Or move to San Francisco
Where everybody thinks they're heavy business

But it's just a tuna sandwich
From another catering service

15. The Sealed Tuna Bolero (Alternate Take) 1:41

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued
(With the wrapper glued)
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a rancid little snack
In a plastic pack
From a matron in La Habra with a blown-out crack
Who dies to suck the fringe off of Jimmy Carl Black!

16. Lonesome Cowboy Burt (Mix Outtake) 3:52

My name is Burtram
I am a redneck
All my friends
They call me Burt
(Hi, Burt!)
All my family
From down in Texas
Make their livin'
Diggin' dirt

Come out here
To Californy
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
Ones I seen
Gets me so horny
Ruby lips
'N teeth like pearls

Wanna love 'em all
Wanna love 'em dearly
Wanna pretty girl
I'll even pay
I'll buy 'em furs
I'll buy 'em jewelry
I know they like me
Here's what I say

I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee . . .

(He's Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt)
Come on in this place
And I'll buy you a taste
You can sit on my face
Where's my waitress?

Burtram, Burtram Redneck
Burtram, Burtram Redneck

I'm an awful nice guy
Sweat all day in the sun
Roofer by trade
Quite a bundle I've made
I'm a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun)

When I get off, I get plastered
Drink till I fall on the floor
Find me some Communist bastard
'N stomp on his face till he don't
Move no more
(He stomps on his face till he don't
Move no more)

I fuss an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin'
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red
I drool on m'shirt
I see if he's hurt
Kick him again in the head (Let's)
Kick him again in the head (Boys)
Kick him again in the head (Now)
Kick him again in the head

Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee . . .

(He's Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelin's hurt)
Yeah, but come on in this place
And I'll buy you a taste
And you can sit on my face
Where's my waitress?

Opal, you hot little bitch!

18. Redneck Eats/The Restaurant Scene (Basic Tracks) 3:50

Chorus:
Or a turkey?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
What the fuck was that?
Wonder if that son of a bitch can play somethin' I might even like.

Chorus:
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
Hey twerp! Play me somethin' I can enjoy!

19. Mystery Roach (Basic Tracks) 4:06

One, two, three, four . . .

Say!

Look out!
Look out!
Look out!

How long?
How long?
Till my mystery roach be arrivin' soon
Ah-ooh, ah-ooh, ah-ooh, ah-ooh

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach been gone
Ah-oooh
Ah-oooh

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Howard:
Ah! Hold it! Wait a minute!
Stop the music!
Please . . .
Hold it!
Wait a minute!
Ah . . .
What are we singing about?
Mystery roach?
Flipping out!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach! . . .

20. I Have Seen The Pleated Gazelle 6:15

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Ah . . .

Narrator:
Gazelle?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
I have seen the pleated gazelle
Guhh-zay-ll
Guhh-zille
Gah-zille
G' zel guhh g g g g g

Guh guh g g
Gaw-zale
Guh guh goo g g

Goo-ee-oo
Goo-ah-goo
Goo-ee

Ah . . .
Ah . . .

Ah . . .

Chorus:
Guhh-zille
Gah-zille
G' zel guhh g g g g g
Guh guh g g
Gaw-zale
Guh guh goo g g

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Goo-ee-oo
Goo-ah-goo
Goo-ee

21. Dew On The Newts We Got (Rough Mix) 1:11

Dew
On the newts we got
Newt money due
It's a payment on the rental
For the dewy little newts
We got

We got 'em dewy
Left 'em in the yard all night
Hope they didn't get uptight

The little vixens
The saucy little vixens
I hope they didn't get pissed off

I hope
That they
Did not
Did not
I hope
That they
Did not
Dash off
Into the night!

22. The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts (Rough Mix) 0:52

Blorp!

Blorp
Tss

The lad searches the night for his newts

Blorp!

Tsss-t

Blorp

23. Motorhead's Midnight Ranch (Rough Mix) 2:03

Cough!

Blorp!

24. The Girl Wants Fix Him Some Broth (Rough Mix, Alternate Ending) 1:11

Narrator:
The girl wants to fix him some broth

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Tinsel cock

Chorus:
Doo-wee-doo
Tinsel cock my baby

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Would you like some broth?

Narrator:
Some nice soup

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Some hot broth?

Chorus:
Yum!

Narrator:
Small dogs in it

Chorus:
Doggies

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Do ya?

Narrator:
You like broth?

Chorus:
Doo wad'n' um

Narrator:
Dog broth?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot broth?

Chorus:
Hot dog broth

Narrator:
You like
Dog broth hot?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot dog debris?

Chorus:
Debris!

Narrator:
How d'ya like it?

Chorus:
Dog breath?
Dog broth?
Dog breath broth?

Narrator:
Debris?
Of the four styles offered:
Debris, broth, breath
And the ever popular, hygienic
European version
Tinsel cock!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson & Chorus:
Tinsel cock

Narrator:
Which do you choose?

25. The Girl's Dream (Rough Mix) 0:55

Narrator:
The girl

Chorus:
Duh girl wants ta fix him some broth

Narrator:
In a statement to the press

Chorus:
D-d-d-duhhh

Narrator:
Explains . . .

26. Little Green Scratchy Sweaters And Courduroy Ponce (Rough Mix) 1:15

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Broth reminds me of nuns

Chorus:
Nuns
Nuns
Nuns

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
I see them smashing

Chorus:
Kids

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
With rulers

Chorus:
Bap!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Disciplining munchkin cretins
Tortured munchkins
Tortured munchkins

Chorus:
Munchkin cretins
Munchkin victims

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Irish Catholic victims
Little green scratchy sweaters

Chorus:
Sweaters

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Little green scratchy ones

Chorus:
Corduroy pants

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Brown corduroy pants

Chorus:
Doo ah
Doo ah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Corduroy pants
An' green scratchy
Munchkin Irish Catholic victims

Chorus:
Munchkins
Munch-a-kins

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Munchkins get me hot

Chorus:
Oo ah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Munchkins get me get me ee
Oo ah ee oo

Narrator:
Hot!
Gets her real hot!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Ah
Yeah yeah
Pork me!

27. Scene 43—A Cardboard Box 0:38

FZ:
A cardboard box
A series of cardboard boxes
With a nun suit painted all over them
Four views
Every side of the boxes

Another thrilling view
Of a black and starch-y nun suit
Inspiring in its simplicity
Quality goods

Weasels
Vienna sausages
Very small dogs
Inspired by its simplicity
Nearly able to get off behind it

28. Scene 44 0:50

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Tinsel cock

Narrator:
(Munchkins get her hot 'n dewey)

Chorus:
Doo-wee doo
(Bow doom)
Tinsel cock me daddy

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Would you like some broth?

Narrator:
Some nice soup

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Some hot broth?

Narrator:
Small dogs in it

Chorus:
Yum!
Hmm

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hmm?

Chorus:
Doggies in it
Doggies in it

Narrator:
Dogs!
Dog-feet!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Do ya?

Narrator:
You like broth?

Chorus:
Doo
Wad' n' um

Narrator:
Dog feet?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot broth?

Chorus:
Dog feet broth!

Narrator:
You like nuns?

Chorus:
Yummy
Debris!
Newts!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot nun debris

Chorus:
Hot nuns
Blorp!

Narrator:
Gazelles?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Ah . . .

Narrator:
Gazelles?
Hot nuns
Debris?

29. A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes (Rough Mix) 1:10

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Why don't you strap on
This here bunch
Of cardboard boxes, daddy-o
(Joy of my desiring)
You'll certainly look suave
And get me hot
Hot
Hot
Get me hot and horny

Chorus:
Ah oo
Doo wah doo wah doo wah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
If there's one thing I really get off on

Chorus:
YOINNGG!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes
Some old melodies
Four-four
An aura . . .
An areola . . .
Pink gums . . .
Stumpy gray teeth . . .
Dental floss
Gets me hot
Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie?

30. She Painted Up Her Face (Compressed Mix) 1:42

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The stare
The stare

The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

31. The Secret Stare 3:24

 

32. Half A Dozen Provocative Squats (Compressed Mix) 1:56

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour
She finishes her call
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots
Brushes her teeth
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat
It's getting her, getting her hot
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off
A sad but typical case, yeah
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft
She blew it
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah . . .

33. Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist (Basic Tracks) 1:31

 

34. Shove It Right In (Compressed Mix) 2:32

includes a quotation from She Loves You (Lennon/McCartney)

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in
(She dances, she prances, she dances, she prances . . .)
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
Provocative squats!
(Gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

35. Postlude (Basic Tracks) 3:08

 

36. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning (Mix Outtake) 4:06

Whitney Studios, Glendale, CA
August 1970

Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight
(If things go all right)

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight?
(Will she be outa sight)

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning

A succulent fat one?
A mod little flat one?
Maybe a hot one
To give me the clap
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
Will she be outa sight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight)
If things go all right
(If things go all right)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel . . .)

disc 6

1. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy (Alternate Take) 3:15

includes a quotation from Tell Me You Love Me

Okay! Take 1!
Yeah.
One, two, three, four . . .

Ooh, do you like my new car?
Ooh, do you like my new car?

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off

She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

That she knows what she wants
Knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
She's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
And she drove to the club
You know that her and her partner
Came here lookin' for love
They want a guy from a group
Got a thing in the charts
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
Know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out
They got their eyes on you

Fam-bam-yak-a-ta-tah!

They know what they want
They know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
All right
You got 'em (eyes on . . .) screamin' all night
Got 'em screamin' all night

Ooh, do you like my new car?
(Yes, I do!)
Ooh, do you like my new car?
([...])
Ooh, do you like my new car?
(It's so groovy!)
Ooh, do you like my new car?
(It's so teen-age!)
(A Buick '65!)
Ooh . . .

2. Magic Fingers (Alternate Take) 3:41

Ooh, the way you love me, lady
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
Baby, you know I do

Mark:
Well, tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
No, no, no, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Or I'll dress up and go!

Howard:
Now don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Don't you treat me cold

Howard:
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

Well, there are a lot of reasons why I'd bring a girl like you back to this plastic hotel room and rip you off for spare change to run a vibrating machine attached to this queen-sized bulk-purchase kapok-infested do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law type bed and make you take off all your little clothes until you were down to your chrome-with-heavy-duty-leather-thong Peace Medallion virtually stark raving naked and make you assume a series of marginally erotic poses involving a plastic chair and an old guitar strap while I did a wee-wee in your hair and beat you with a pair of tennis shoes I got from Jeff Beck.

3. Penis Dimension (Basic Tracks) 4:39

Penis dimension!
Penis dimension?
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan?
That the size of your cock
Is not monstrous enough

No!

It's your penis dimension
Penis dimension

Mark:
Hiya, friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possibility that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of subconscious tension? Weird twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A Jesuit Monk! A rock & roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or, in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone beef-up, they become writers of hot books . . .

Howard:
"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim . . ."

Mark:
Yes, or they become Carmelite Nuns . . .

Howard:
". . . Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit . . ."

Mark:
. . . Or race horse jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the troubles of the world!

Howard:
Right on! Right on!

Mark:
Now, if you are a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school . . .

Mark & Howard:
"Anything over a mouthful is wasted!"

Mark:
Yes, and isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool—I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool—and somebody hits on you one night and he looks you up and down and he says . . .

Howard:
"Eight inches or less?"

Mark:
Well, let me tell you brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonafabitch right between the eyes and you got to tell him these words . . .

4. Scene 86 1:28

Rance:
What's between your legs
Is just the last
Few inches of a complex
Mechanism which runs up and down
The spinal cord
And all hooked up to the human brain!

Chorus:
And the firepower of your dick

5. Scene 87 (Alternate Take) 3:15

Chorus:
Your dick.

Mark & Howard:
Your dick!

Chorus:
Your dork.

Mark & Howard:
Your dork?

Chorus:
Your prick.

Mark & Howard:
Your prick.

Chorus:
Your pork.

Lucy:
Your pork?

Janet:
Pork?

Lucy:
Who calls it a pork? These men . . . and the stuff they call a wee-wee . . .

Mark & Howard:
A wee-wee?

Rance:
You mean a penis, don't you?

Lucy:
A penis?

Janet:
Penis is such an ugly word!

Rance:
Not that ugly, really.

Mark:
Sure, I use it all the time.

Howard:
Sure, sure, we all say it every once in a while . . . listen . . .

Mark & Howard:
Penis!

Chorus:
Eeuoo!

Mark & Howard & Chorus:
Penis!
Penis!

Janet:
Oh, it sounds so revolting the way you guys say it . . . eeuoo . . . ka-ka!

Janet & Lucy:
Ka-ka!

Rance:
A penis can be a very useful organ!

Howard:
Yeah, and very exciting too (once you get to know me).

Mark & Howard & Chorus:
Penis! Penis!

Lucy:
It sounds so overwhelmingly medicinal!

Janet:
A "penis" sounds like something a doctor would have hanging off of him.

Lucy:
None of the men I know and love in the rock & roll business got "penises." They all have cocks, or dicks at least.

Janet:
Sure . . . you want to go strap on a pop star and he wants to stuff a "penis" up you . . . where is that at?

Mark:
Let's ask our studio audience . . .
Will you trade what he has in his pants for what I have behind this curtain?

Janet:
What is it?

Lucy:
You mean what's in his pants?

Janet:
I know what's in his pants . . . He's a lonely guy.

Orchestra:
Take the money! Take the money!

Mark:
You have to choose before the big wheel stops whirling . . . You . . . Hey, buddy, sky marshall . . . go whirl the big wheel!

Lucy:
Can I just take the money?

Janet:
There isn't any money, just the curtain and . . .

Lucy:
. . . the lonely guy.

Orchestra:
Take the curtain! Take the curtain!

Mark:
Time is running out . . . think it over carefully!

Janet:
The curtain?

Lucy:
I want the money.

Janet:
Wait!
What could it be in there?

Lucy:
In his pants?

Janet:
In the curtain!

Howard:
Doesn't anybody care what's in my pants?

Lucy:
It's too little to have a car or a refrigerator in it.

Mark:
Don't be deceived by the size of the curtain!

6. Synth Tracks II 1:58

 

7. I'm Stealing The Towels (Basic Tracks, Alternate Take) 2:14

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-Toon Ran-Tan Na-Na Hanninnn
Two Hundred Motels

8. Scene 94—"He's Always Watching Me" 0:34

Jeff (Howard):
What if he's watching me stealing ashtrays? What if he's watching me stealing the ashtrays and then he steals the idea of me stealing the ashtrays and writes a song about it and I have to act it out later? He always watches me and listens to me!

9. Dental Hygiene Dilemma (Part I, Basic Tracks) 6:20

Chorus:
You're wasting your life
You're much too heavy, Jeff
To be . . .

Chorus:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha
He-he-he-he-he
Ho ho ho ho

10. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? (Mix Outtake) 0:53

includes a quotation from Hip Hug-Her (Cropper/Dunn/Jackson/Jones)

Hi!

Mark & Howard:
Dwee Do Dee-oo-Poo Framminnn!
Han-ninatt
Han-ninatt . . .

Jeff (Howard):
Does this kind of life look interesting to you? Night after night, dinners with Herb Cohen, thrill-packed fun-filled evenings on the French Riviera at the Midem convention, a fake tie, the whole bit, watch Mutt eat and Leon feed the geese, one thousand green business cards with your name and the wrong address plus six royalty statements inspected and customized by Ran Toon Tan, Han Toon, Frammin and Dee, followed by twelve potential suicides as the members of your group, past and present, find out they can't collect unemployment, a dog, a car, an epidemic of body lice with your own record company, your name on the door, electric buzzer to the inner office and Ona's tits and a three month supply of German bookings with tickets on Air Rangoon? Does this kind of life look interesting to you, as a fake rock & roll guitar player in a comedy group?

11. Dental Hygiene Dilemma (Part II, Basic Tracks) 2:43

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-Toon Ran-Tan Na-Na-Hamninn
Two Hundred Motels

I'm stealing the . . .

I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the . . .
I'm stealing the room
Stealing
I'm stealing the . . .
I am . . . mmm
Steel
I am steel
Steel
S-s-steel
I am steel
Steel

12. Strictly Genteel (Basic Tracks) 8:04

includes a theme from Inca Roads

Theodore Bikel:
This, as you may have gathered, is the end of the movie. The entire cast is assembled here at the Centerville Recreational Facility to bid farewell to you and to express thanks for your attendance at this theater. This might seem old fashioned to some of you, but I'd like to join in on this song. It's the kind of a sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie. It's the kind of a song that people might sing to let you in the audience know that we really like you, we care about you, yeah. Understand how hard it is to laugh these days with all the terrible problems in the world.

Lord have mercy on the people in England
For the terrible food these people must eat
(Aaaarr . . . Excuse me a minute.)
And may the Lord have mercy on the fate of this movie
And God bless the mind of the man in the street

Chorus:
Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen
With the terrible functions they all must perform
God help the winos, the junkies and the weirdos

Soprano:
And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm

Group & Chorus:
Help everybody so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend
Some real satisfaction

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
A room and a meal and a garbage disposal
A lawn and a hose'll be strictly genteel

Group:
Reach out your hand to the girl in the dog book
The girl in the pig book and the one with the horse
Make sure they keep all those businessmen happy
And the purple-lipped censors and the Germans of course

Group & Chorus:
Help everybody so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend
Some real satisfaction

Group:
A Swedish apparatus with a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven, honey, how do it feel?

Group:
Lord have mercy on the hippies and faggots
And the dykes and the weird little children they grow

Help the black man
Help the poor man
Help the milk man
Help the door man
Help the lonely neglected old farts that I know

Theodore Bikel:
It's been swell having you with us tonight, folks!

Mark:
But don't leave the theater yet 'cause there's still more to come. But before we go on, I want to introduce to you my friend and musical associate, Howard Kaylan, who's going to give us all a final closing benediction . . .

13. 200 Motels Finale (Alternate Take) 3:16

Howard:
They're gonna clear out the studio
They're gonna whip down all the . . .
They're gonna tear down all the . . .
They're gonna sweep out all the . . .
They're gonna pay off all the . . .

Group:
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .

Howard:
Everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
Every one of our lovely and talented dancers
Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men
Camera men
The make-up men

Mark:
The fake-up men

Howard:
Yeah, the rake-up men

Mark:
They're all gonna rise up!

Howard:
They're gonna jump up
I said jump up
Talkin' 'bout jump right up on off the floor
Jump right up and hit the door

Mark:
They're all gonna rise up and jump off!

Group:
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home

Howard:
And once again
Take themselves
Seriously

Crew member: Who do you have to screw to get off this movie?

Group:
Yeah!

Howard:
Two, three, four, seriously!

Group:
Through the driving sleet and rain

George Duke:
They're all gonna go home

Group:
Through the fog
Through the dust
Through the tropical fever
And the blistering frost

Howard:
Get out of it as they can be, baby

Mark:
And the same goes for me

JCB:
And the same goes for me

Group:
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

Howard:
And everybody in our rocking teenage band in his own special way
Gonna get out of it as he can be

Group:
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted

Howard:
Yeah, and I am definitely gonna get reamed tonight
Because I'm such a lonely
I'm such a lonely
A lonely, lonely
Sayin' such a lonely guy!

I am definitely gonna get . . .

14. 200 Motels Finale (Master Take Basic Tracks, Unedited Ending) 5:59

Group:
Bent, reamed and wasted!

JCB:
A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey!

Howard:
He's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't do it if it weren't for this. You noticed, all through this material, I've been glancing over toward my left? Well, I'll tell you the reason for that, ladies and gentlemen. He is over there. He is over on the left. He is the guy that is making me do all this shit. Right over there. Now all through this movie, every time we've been on stage, I've had to look over in that direction, right? You saw it. You know. Well that's 'cause he's over there. I've got to watch him for time. He jumps up and down like a jackass. I can't even believe the guy sometimes. But we gotta watch him. "After all," we said, "it's Frank's movie." Now, we're The Mothers, but it's still Frank's movie, you understand? He got the bread for this, he rented the studio, had all these cheesy sets painted. It's so moche! I can't even stand it . . . Here we are. He's telling everybody, right now, right over there, to . . .

FZ:
Very quiet.

Howard:
He knows we're gonna get reamed. He doesn't have any doubt in his mind whatsoever that as soon as this moving picture is over we're walking out of this studio and we're going into my dressing room where we will proceed to get high on everything. Right. How are you, Jeff? Jeff Simmons? Herbie [...] gonna break your leg. I've had a good time. Mark's had a good time. Jimmy's had a good time. Aynsley's had a good time. Yeah. George has had a good time. We've all had a good time.

We're all gonna get wasted
I said we're all gonna . . .

. . . No matter how you'd get home. It makes little difference . . . studio audience. As you're getting out now, walk out of the theater, after having seen this . . . for your eyes . . .

FZ:
It's been swell having you with us tonight, folks!

15. Movie Theater Skit (Commercial Session Outtake) 1:28

Jim:
Two, please.

Mark:
Thank you. Enjoy the movie, sir. I hope you enjoy it.

Jim:
Thank you.

Howard:
One for the loges, please.

Mark:
Wait a minute!

Howard:
Yeah?

Mark:
Aren't you in this movie?

Howard:
Shhh! Yes, but, you know, you're not supposed to know that, I mean, this is the first day on the road for us and I just, I had to sneak into town and . . .

Mark:
Do you always come and see your movies? Really, tell me, you can tell me, I'm . . .

Howard:
Well, ah, hah, I haven't made that many, you know, I . . . This is the first one and I'm really excited, but I thought I'd check out audience reaction.

Mark:
Oh, let me tell you, this 200 Motels— I went and saw it last night while I was ushering . . .

Howard:
Yeah . . . Did you, did you . . .? Oh . . .

Mark:
I mean, I sat down and watched it . . .

Howard:
The cute little blue suit you got.

Mark:
I mean, you were great!

Howard:
Thank you.

Mark:
You were great especially.

Howard:
Thank you.

Mark:
And Keith Moon . . .

Howard:
Oh, yeah.

Mark:
And Ringo Starr . . .

Howard:
Oh . . .

Mark:
Oh, all of those . . .

Howard:
Did you dig Theodore Bikel? Didn't you think he was far out . . .

Mark:
Theodore Bikel! Yeah! He was great.

Howard:
I'll tell you , man, if all movies are like this, it's really a get-off.

Mark:
Really.

Howard:
Do you have the album yet?

Mark:
No. An album?

Howard:
Yeah. Well, there's a double record set and it comes . . .

Mark:
Of the movie?

Howard:
Yeah. It comes . . .

Mark:
From the movie?

Howard:
Yeah! Oh, yeah. There's a big poster in it. The same one that's outside of the theater right now . . .

Mark:
The same one with the orchestra playing?

Howard:
Yeah. That's right. The concentration camp and the newts . . .

Mark:
Why!

Howard:
And all the weird little animated thing.

Mark:
And all those songs you sing . . .

Howard:
Yeah. Yeah.

Mark:
About the girls and the . . .

Howard:
Uh-huh.

Mark:
And the, this, the legs . . .

Howard:
Yeah.

Mark:
And this, the deodorant . . .

Howard:
Heh, yeah, yeah!

Mark:
And all that . . .?

Howard:
Did you like that?

Mark:
Oh. I liked it!

Howard:
Oh, cool.

Mark:
It was not the least that offensive. I . . .

Howard:
Oh, I'm, I'm really . . .

FZ:
Hah hah hah! . . . Hah hah!

Howard:
I'm really glad we've established such a rapport with our audience.

Mark:
Oh, I hope that you enjoy the movie as much as I did, 'cause . . .

Howard:
Yeah. Well, can I have my ticket or what?

Mark:
Can I . . .? What hotel are you staying at?

Howard:
Listen, what are you doing later? Can I have my change?

Mark:
Here's your change.

Howard:
But there's butter on it!

16. 200 Motels Album Ad #1 1:00

Announcer:
Once upon a time, a long time ago, a funny looking man with a question mark shaped body, a hook nose, a drooping moustache and an evil goatee, did an interview with a nice clean wholesome attractively mod rock & roll interviewer person. Funny Frank Zappa mentioned in passing that one day, in the future, there was going to be a movie about The Mothers Of Invention.

Group:
Dunt-Dun-Dun!

Announcer:
The hip and intelligent rock & roll writer person laughed.

Writer:
Hah hah hah.

Announcer:
He said, "The Mothers of what?" All the fashionable feather, bead, and headband people who read the hip and intelligent rock & roll writer person's article laughed.

Readers:
Hah hah.

Announcer:
All the groovy people agreed there will never be such a movie.

Groovy People:
Hah hah.

Announcer:
Who needs it?

Groovy People:
Hah.

Announcer:
Then one day when nobody was looking this mysterious movie came out and along with it came a soundtrack album the likes of which had never been imagined before. The soundtrack album from Frank Zappa's 200 Motels.

Group:
Dunt!

Announcer:
Deluxe double album featuring The Mothers Of Invention, the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra of London, an amazing classical chorus, a sixteen page book of scenes from the movie itself and a giant full color theater poster!

Group:
Dunt-Dun!

Announcer:
Frank Zappa's 200 Motels! It's available now from United Artists!

Group:
Dunt-Dun-Dun!

Announcer:
Now there's a company with guts!

17. Script Rehearsal Trim 2:50

Kensington Palace Hotel
1st script reading of "200 Motels"
January 18, 1971

voices: Ian Underwood, Howard Kaylan, Jeff Simmons, Aynsley Dunbar, Mark Volman, George Duke & Dick Barber

Ian:
"See you guys later."

Howard:
"Where you going, man?"

Ian:
"I have to conduct the next orchestra section . . ."

Howard:
Wow, man, the slightest . . .

Ian:
"With Motorhead and the Industrial Vacuum Cleaner and the hot nun debris and so forth."

Howard:
"Nun debris? Where's she at?" Where is—

Group:
[laughs]

Howard:
I'm sorry, man. I've got it on the mind.

Group:
[laughs]

Howard:
"Where is he at? What's this stuff mean in this movie?"

Jeff:
"He's out of his fuckin' mind."

Ian:
"I'll see you guys later."

Aynsley:
"I'm going too, lads."

Howard:
"Where are you going?"

Aynsley:
"I'm going to try out my new binoculars."

Mark:
"What do you mean, man? You look through the binoculars and beat your meat to it or what?"

Group:
[laughs]

Aynsley:
"That depends largely on what I see through the binoculars."

Howard:
"What if you see Dick Barber's forehead?"

Aynsley:
"You can't see it too good with that industrial vacuum cleaner costume and the hose and everything. It's sort of incognito!"

Mark, Howard & Jeff:
"What?"

Jeff:
"Did you hear that?"

Mark:
"I heard it. He said, 'Incognito!'"

Jeff:
"Rivet Boy Dunbar, ladies and gentlemen, Lord/God/King of the snappy retort, and here he is."

Howard:
"Yes, Dunbar, you lustful Liverpudlian Lycanthrope, your reports have been . . . your retorts have been remarkably snappy just now. Something must be wrong!"

George:
"Listen, er, uh, he's making me leave here now, so er, uh, I'll see you when we play. Should we be, should, should be about another fifteen minutes after that thing Ian's gonna conduct."

Mark, Howard & Jeff:
"Man!"

Dwarf (Dick Barber):
"Listen, er, um, he's making me leave here now, so uh, I'll see you later when we play."

Howard:
"What?"

Dwarf (Dick Barber):
"I don't expect you to understand that, because we haven't formed our group yet."

Mark:
"When is that supposed to happen?"

Dwarf (Dick Barber):
"Jeff's the one who's going to form it."

Howard:
"What the fuck is going on here?"

Jeff:
"Okay. Listen, you guys, we're gonna form another group. Zappa'll never know the difference so long as we keep on bein' nice to him."

Group:
[laughs]

Mark:
"Right!"

Jeff:
"Look, it's simple. This group'll be commercial, it'll have blues extensions and everything. Mark'll play the bass, Howard'll sing and play sax, I'll play lead guitar, and the Dwarf'll be the drummer."

Howard:
"This guy isn't even a dwarf!"

Jeff:
"That's one of the reasons my group'll be so commercial."

Group:
[laughs]

Mark:
"But what about the rest of the guys in the band?"

Jeff:
"They're already forming other groups all over the place. Why wait till the end of the movie? We could have a hit single . . ." This is like Mad magazine.

Group:
[laughs]

Mark:
"We don't need Aynsley or George or Ian or nobody!"

Jeff:
"Listen. He needs us, remember. We don't need him. All those other guys are too old for rock, they're out of it! We can have a tight little heavy little group with this Dwarf here, he used to play drums for Leon Russell."

Group:
[laughs]

Howard:
"You're right, Simmons. They are too old."

Mark:
"You're right! Zappa's thirty! Thirty years old!"

Howard:
"He's out of it, you're right. He should retire."

Jeff:
"Really, you can't trust old people. We should take up a collection and buy him a watch."

Group:
[laughs]

Mark:
Oh, what a great sequence!

Group:
[laughs]

18. Lonesome Cowboy Burt (In Rehearsal 1969) 2:56

1969
Unknown place & date

Jimmy Carl Black—vocals
FZ—guitar & vocals
Lowell George—guitar & vocals
Ian Underwood?—keyboards
Don Preston?—keyboards
Roy Estrada—bass & vocals
Buzz Gardner—trumpet
Bunk Gardner—sax
Motorhead Sherwood—baritone sax
Arthur Dyer Tripp III—drums

JCB & Roy?:
Lonesome Cowboy Burt

Lowell:
Yodel odel tee ay hoo

JCB & Roy?:
Don't get my feelings hurt

Lowell:
Yo yodel tee ay hoo

JCB & Roy?:
Come on in this place
And sit on my face
And I'll buy you a beer
Where's my waitress?

JCB:
Where's that bitch?

Roy?: Where's that beer?

JCB & Roy?:
Sit on my face
And I'll buy you a taste . . .

JCB: No.

Roy: Sit on my face?

JCB & Roy:
Won't you come on in this place
And sit on my face
And I'll buy you a taste
Where's my waitress?

JCB:
Come on over here, you bitch!

Group:
This here waitress

JCB:
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee ay

JCB & Group:
Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don't get my feelings hurt
Won't you come in this place
And sit on my face
And I'll buy you a taste
Where's my waitress?

JCB:
Come on over here, you bitch!

JCB?: "Where's that bitch?"

FZ: "Where's that bitch?"

JCB: Where's that bitch?

FZ: You gotta look around for her. "Where's that bitch?"

JCB: Here she is!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha!

FZ: She come out with a little tray?

All: Ha ha ha!

FZ: That's easy to have and just whip it out and let Davey [...]

FZ:
"The ones I see
Get me so horny
Ruby lips
And teeth like pearls
(Pause)
Wanna love 'em all
Wanna love 'em dearly
Wanna pretty girl
I'll even pay
I'll buy 'em furs
I'll buy 'em jewelry
I know they like me
Here's what I say . . ."

All: Ha ha ha ha ha!

FZ:

Then he says, ha ha ha . . .

"I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Speakin' atcha
Come smell my fringe-y shirt
Reekin' atcha
My cowboy dance
My cowboy pants
My bold advance
On this here waitress"

And then yodeling. And then . . .

"I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don't get my feelings hurt
Come on in this place
And sit on my face
And I'll buy you a taste
Where's that waitress?"

And then you say . . .

"Where's that bitch?"

Then it's back to the other part.

19. Lonesome Cowboy Burt (In Rehearsal 1970) 3:37

1970
Unknown place & date

Jimmy Carl Black—guest vocals
Jeff Simmons—bass & vocals

My name is Burtram
I am a cowboy
All my friends
They call me Burt
All my family
From down in Texas
Make their livin'
Diggin' dirt

Come out here
To Californy
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
Ones I seen
Gets me so horny
Ruby lips
'N teeth like pearls

Wanna love 'em all
Wanna love 'em dearly
Wanna pretty girl
I'll even pay
I'll buy 'em furs
I'll buy 'em jewelry
I know they like me
Here's what I say

I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee . . .

(He's Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt)
Come on in this place
And I'll buy you a taste
You can sit on my face
Where's my waitress?

Burtram, Burtram Redneck
Burtram, Burtram Redneck

I'm an awful nice guy
Sweat all day in the sun
I'm a roofer by trade
Quite a bundle I've made
I'm a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun)

When I get off, I get plastered
Drink till I fall on the floor
Find me some Communist bastard
'N stomp on his face till he don't
Move no more
(He stomps on his face till he don't
Move no more)

I fuss an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin'
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red
I drool on m'shirt
I see if he's hurt
I kick him again in the head (Let's)
Kick him again in the head (Boys)
Kick him again in the head (Now)
Kick him again in the head

Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee . . .

(He's Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelin's hurt)
Come on in this place
And I'll buy you a taste
And you . . .

20. 200 Motels Album Ad #2 0:31

Announcer:
United Artists Records proudly presents the soundtrack album from Frank Zappa's 200 Motels, an album that must be heard to be believed. The Mothers Of Invention, the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra of London, an amazing classical chorus, a sixteen page book with scenes from the film and a full color theater poster. All of this wonderment neatly tucked into the outrageous cover which houses the deluxe two-disc set. Do you have any idea what this album can do to your mind, played at the proper volume in a pair of earphones?

Group:
Dunt-Dun-Dun!

Announcer:
The soundtrack album from Frank Zappa's 200 Motels. By the way, have you seen the movie yet?

21. Penis Dimension Jingle Music 0:17

 

22. TV Hype (Commercial Session Outtake) 6:35

FZ:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is The Mothers Of Invention. I'm Frank and here's Jim. Say hello, Jim.

Jim:
Hello, people. How're you.

FZ:
And this is Howard.

Howard:
Hi.

FZ:
Say hello again, Jim, that wasn't very . . .

Jim:
Hello, everybody out there.

FZ:
Okay.

Mark:
Hot beats.

FZ:
Heh heh heh. This is Howard.

Howard:
Hi, there.

FZ:
This is Mark.

Mark:
Hello.

FZ:
Okay, here's the deal. We have this movie that we just finished called 200 Motels.

Howard:
Right.

Mark & Howard:
Mmmmh . . .

Mark:
Boy, is it neat, too.

FZ:
All right, listen, this movie is uh, well, it was a little bit weird for the people at United Artists when they first saw it, I mean, it was a little hard to uh, explain exactly what was going on when they went in and uh, saw it for the first time. What I'm trying to say is they ran out of the screening room just before we've got our budget to prepare the advertising campaign for this film.

Howard:
It left us a little short, folks, and with red cheeks.

FZ:
Oh, hah hah, listen, it's really not that bad. We have a lavish advertising budget . . .

Howard:
Mmm . . .

FZ:
To spend on this film. And we're spending it wisely. We know that you out there in radioland also watch television and you wanna get a little glimpse of what this film is all about. So we have spared no expense in preparing for you the most fantastic television commercial in the best possible prime time slot. And we want you all to watch it because we only get a chance to show it once this week. And if you'll all pay close attention the disc jockey on this station will tell you what time it's going to be on, what channel it's going to be on and I want you all to watch this 200 Motels television commercial.

Howard:
Yay.

FZ:
Okay. Now do it again. Now you say the same thing.

Howard:
Huh?

FZ:
Or a variation thereof. Now you give the message.

Howard:
Oh, me?

FZ:
Yeah.

Howard:
Hi. Hi, there. Hi. We're The Mothers Of Invention. I'm Howard.

Jim:
I'm Jim. Hi, everyone.

Mark:
I'm Mark. Hi, Jim.

FZ:
I'm Ian and Aynsley and Don Preston and also Frank.

Howard:
Yeah. And we just uh, we just filmed this incredible motion picture and I, I personally, now, honestly am not being involved at all, have to recommend it, I mean, not just to you but all the members of your family and your close friends . . . Oh.

FZ:
Not only that, all the people who were on the Medicine Bell Caravan. They should watch it.

Jim:
Especially them.

Howard:
Everybody should watch it because it's of social import . . .

Group:
[laughs]

Howard:
It's of social import and the film just hits home, what can I say? The thing is that we really went over budget, I mean, the film was so lavish you can't believe it, the star-studded cast, the incredible costumes . . .

Mark:
Who's in the movie?

Howard:
Oh, The Mothers Of Invention, for a starter.

Mark:
Theodore Bikel.

Howard:
Yeah.

Jim:
Ringo Starr.

Howard:
Keith Mooooon!

FZ:
Hot beats!

Mark:
Yeah.

Howard:
Mystery . . . Ah-oohs, all that stuff. The movie's great. But we ran over budget and United Artists only gave us a mere penance so we said, "Well, we can either schlep and have a rancid commercial on nine times a week or just go all out and open our wallets to the world and say, 'This is what we can do' and only had enough money to air it once." But sparing no expense, we've gone ahead and done just that. And your local announcer, right here on your very own teen-age station will now tell you all the rancid details.

Hi. We're The Mothers Of Invention. We just did this movie, now you can't believe it, this is a cool movie.

Group:
Two . . . Hundred Motels
Two . . . Hundred Motels . . .

Howard:
It's called 200 Motels, that's right, and it's a United Artists release starring The Mothers Of Invention, Theodore Bikel and Ringo Starr. Frank Zappa did the whole thing and it's really cool. It's far out and funny. Lavish costumes. You can't even believe it. A lot of dancers. There's even some naked things, you know, but it's nothing that you couldn't take your classmates to see or your mom and dad. They'd really get off beyond their wildest dreams. Listen, a funny thing happened. We spent so much money schlepping our hearts out, trying to make this movie a sincere and valuable audience-entertainer relationship kind of an experience, like Esalen Institute, you know, that we just haven't any bread left for a big television campaign. So I wanna tell you, we've booked one commercial this week on your local television station, and it's prime time, folks, this is when all of you are gathered around the tube watching. We know you'll be there, but just to remind you, The Mothers snappy lavish 200 Motels commercial will be on the station at the time that your local DJ guy will tell you right now. Take it away, local DJ guy.

Group:
Two . . . Hundred Motels
(Two Hundred Motels)
Two . . . Hundred Motels
(Two Hundred Motels) . . .

Howard:
Hi! I'm Eddie Sincere for The Mothers Of Invention. Now these hardworking lads have just come back from London, yes, where they have spared no expense to film a movie for you and your whole family called 200 Motels. That's right, Frank Zappa's 200 Motels with The Mothers Of Invention, Theodore Bikel and Ringo Starr. Mystery. Hot beats. Romance. Ah-ooh. You're gonna love it to death. Now, ladies and gentlemen, The Mothers came back to town and they said, "Are you kidding? We've spent over budget! We can't even afford a television commercial now." But the brilliant people at United Artists have said, "Listen, you guys, here's a budget. Run with it!" So we've got one lavish commercial that we're gonna sock to you and here's your local DJ guy to tell you just when and where it'll be socked to you.

Group:
Two . . . Hundred Motels . . .

Howard:
Hi. We're The Mothers Of Invention. We've just made this movie, you know. It's called 200 Motels. It's pretty far out. Frank Zappa, you know. The guy's a little weird. But it's got The Mothers Of Invention in it, and Theodore Bikel, Ringo Starr, a lot of groupies, oh, yeah, Keith Moon, the Royal Philharmonic, singers and dancers, lavish costuming, I mean, we went out on a limb for you, folks. 'Cause we really believe the artist and the entertainer share something so valuable with each other that it's a, it's almost a religious, what can I say, Siddhartha, you know? So, we came back to town and we said, "Let's blow the rest of the budget and really make a snazzy commercial for these people that they can watch on the television." The first Mothers Of Invention television commercial. And it's coming to your neighborhood, boys and girls. It's gonna be socked to your very eyes and ears on your own color tube! You can get out of it! You can have a beer in your hand and your undershirt on. Have the little lady fix you up a can of beans, you know what I mean? Put your feet up and pet the dog, and get out your straights and sit there and wait for it, ladies and gentlemen, because, here it comes! Here it comes! See it coming! See it coming! Your local DJ guy is gonna tell you right now where and when to glue your eyes to the boob tube for the mystery Mothers commercial. Take it away!

23. 200 Motels Movie Ad #6 0:10

includes part of I'm Stealing The Towels

Two Hundred Motels

Frank Zappa's 200 Motels!
With The Mothers Of Invention
Theodore Bikel
And Ringo Starr

 

All compositions by Frank Zappa except as noted
Site maintained by Román García Albertos
http://www.donlope.net/fz/
Transcription from the shooting script, the original album and the movie
Original transcription for new material by Román with corrections from Charles Ulrich
Further corrections by Patrick Buzby
The parts on the original album are printed this way
The parts in the movie are printed this way
The parts both in the movie and on the album are printed this way
The parts on videos are printed this way
The parts on other CDs or on other parts of this album are printed this way
This page updated: 2022-07-22