Fillmore East—June 1971

Mark: Aynsley Dunbar!

Hoopla!
Oink! Oink!
La la la la . . .
Ah!

Mud Shark . . .

FZ: That's right, you heard right, the secret word for tonight is Mud Shark! And of course with the Mud Shark Secret Word is the Mud Shark Arpeggio . . . a marvellous little arpeggio, and now the mating call of the adult male Mud Shark . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: The Mud Shark Dancing Lesson!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

Mark: Wait a minute. We're gonna do a little dancing—a little dancing thing called the Mud Shark. Now, this dance started up in Seattle.
Howard: Yes . . .
Mark: The story . . .
FZ: Lemme tell you the story 'bout the Mud Shark . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Bring the band on down behind me, boys.
Howard: Say! Good God! Ain't it funky! Say!
FZ: The origins of the Mud Shark are as follows . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: There's a motel in Seattle, Washington, called the Edgewater Inn. The Edgewater Inn is built out on a pier, so that means that when you look out your window you don't see any dirt. It's a— got a bay or something out in your backyard.

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: And to make it even more interesting, in the lobby of the aforementioned motel there's a bait and tackle shop where the residents can go down and, whenever they want to, rent a fishing pole and some preserved minnows and schlep back up to their rooms, open the window, stick their little pole outside and within a few minutes actually catch a fish of some sort that they can bring into their motel room and do whatever they want with it, you know what I mean?

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Now in this bay there's quite a variety of . . . fish!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Not only do they have mud sharks up there, they got little octopusses that you can catch.

Fish!
Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: And all of these denizens of the deep can come in real handy.

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Let's say you were a travelling rock & roll band called The Vanilla Fudge. Let's say one night you checked into the Edgewater Inn with an 8mm movie camera . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Enough money to rent a pole, and just to make it more interesting . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: A succulent young lady!
Howard: Nooo!
FZ: With a taste for the bizarre . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: My mind drifts back to a meeting, a chance meeting in the Chicago O'Hare Airport . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: Where the members of The Vanilla Fudge told Don Preston about a home movie they made at the Edgewater Inn with a mud shark!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

FZ: And I'm gonna tell you, this dance, the Mud Shark, is sweeping the ocean!

Hey! Mud Sh-sh-shark

Mark: Ah, we're goin'! Go 'head! Ah, we're goin'! Now we're gonna go out, somehow! Come one!

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

FZ: Now show 'em what they do with the Mud Shark!

Out
You go out

FZ: Now show 'em what they do with the Mud Shark!

So far out
(Look out!)
You do the Mud Shark, baby

FZ: Hey!

Out
You go out

FZ: Catch the Mud Shark!

So far out
Do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
Do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
Do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
Do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
Do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
Do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
Do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
Do the Mud Shark, baby

Howard:
What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?

Mark:
I left my place after midnight
And I came to this hall
Me and my girlfriend, we came here
Looking to ball

Howard:
You came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin'-est place in New York City

Group:
No shit!

Mark:
How true that is

Howard:
Oh, how true indeed

Mark:
Yeah, me and my, me and my girlfriend, we come here every Friday 'n Saturday night
Looking for that hot romance we need
We like to get it on
Do you like to get it on too?

Howard:
Well now, what did you have in mind?

Mark:
Well, I'll tell ya
Well I get off bein' juked with a baby octopus
And spewed upon with creamed corn
My girlfriend, she digs it with a hot Yoo-hoo bottle
While somebody's screamin'
"Corks & Safeties!
Pigs & Donkeys!
Alice Cooper," baby
Waaah!

Bob:
Well, it gets me so hot I could scream

Group:
Alice Cooper
Alice Cooper

Howard:
Wow!

Group:
Alice Cooper
Alice Cooper

Howard:
Wow! You two chicks sound real far out and groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Magic Fingers in the bed
(Picture it!)
Wall-mounted TV screens
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen!

Group:
What kind of girl?
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
What kind of girl?
(What kind of girl?)
What kind of girl
Do you think we are?
(I ain't no groupie)
Don't call us groupies
That is going too far
(What kind of girl?)
We wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

FZ:
These girls wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They want a guy from a group
With a big hit single in the charts!

Howard:
Funny you should mention it
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet
With a bullet
Just let me put a little more
Rancid Budweiser on my beard right now, baby
And you can show me how
A young girl such as you might be
Thrilled and overwhelmed by me, ho-ho . . .

Mark:
What hotel did you say you were staying at?

Howard:
Wanna split right away?

Mark:
Not so fast, you silly boy
There's one thing I gotta say

Group:
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts
We want a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts

Group:
And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

Howard: Hold it! Please hold it! My God, Madge, you voluptuous New York City slit, why didn't you tell me before? It was so hard to tell with your little blousey-poo on, but now that I see you I would have helped. I didn't know you were so obviously . . . pregnant . . .

Howard:
I've got the thing you need
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil-spattered fantasies

Group:
Girls from all over the world
Flock to write my name on the toilet walls
Of the Whisky à Go-Go
For I am Bwana Dik
I am Bwana Dik
Me Bwana Dik
Yo! Me Bwana Dik
Say!

Howard:
My dick is a monster
Give me your heart

Group:
Bwana Dik is a legend
Enormous thou art

Howard:
My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Group:
Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

Howard:
My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer, baby
To scream up your slit

Group:
Steam it!
Ream it!
Cream it!

Group:
Mud Shark
Mud Shark

Howard:
You can hear the steam, baby
You can hear the screaming steam right now
As the reamer steams up the lake
Reenie weenie up to the snake

Group:
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby
Steam roller
Steam roller

Howard:
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby

Group:
Steam roller
Steam roller

Howard:
I'm talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby
Not now, girl

Group:
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby
Acetylene Nirvana
Hemorrhoids
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby

Howard:
I need somebody to . . .

Group:

Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!

Hear the steam
See the steam
Hear the steam
Heal the screaming
Hot black steaming
Iridescent Naugahyde
Python steaming
Steam roller

Group:

Mud Shark

All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence
Of the Latex Solar Beef
All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence
Of the Latex Solar Beef

Steam roller
Steam roller

Howard:
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, baby

Group:
Steam roller
Steam roller

Howard:
Talkin' 'bout your hemorrhoids, mama
Gooey piles, baby!

 

Mark: I mean really . . . You are . . . You gotta tell me something—I mean, seriously, I'm tellin' you, this is the first time that any of my girlfriends and I have ever met anybody really from Hollywood. I mean, really my girlfriend Jim and Ian and, Aynsley and Bob and Frank—I mean, none of us, we've never . . .

Howard: Pleased to meet you.

Ian: Hi, Howie.

Mark: We've never met a pop star from Hollywood. Tell me something: have you ever met Davy Jones or . . .

Howard: No . . .

Mark: Or Bobby Sherman?

Howard: No, I . . .

Mark: I mean, David Cassidy, he's so . . .

Howard: No. Jimmy Greenspoon, and once I . . .

Mark: Three Dog Night?

Howard: Yeah.

Mark: Oh! I love them! They're my favorite band! Oh, God. Oh, do you like my new car? My dad just gave it to me for graduation.

Howard: Oh, yeah! It's a, it's a Fillmore, isn't it? Real futuristic, I, I dig the fins. Listen, do you know how to get to the, ah, Holiday Inn from here?

Mark: No, ah, which one is it?

Howard: (Burp) Excuse me. It's, it's, it's the one by the airport, you know, 'cause we gotta— We gotta get up early an' fly outta here in the morning, you know?

Mark: Oh! Oh, I didn't know that.

?: Oh, yeah!

Mark: Where, where d'you guys play tomorrow night? I mean— I'd like to come maybe in your bus or something.

Howard: Yeah?

?: In the bus!

Howard: Come in the bus, huh? Tomorrow we're in ah, let's see, Tierra del Fuego . . .

Mark: Oh! You're so professional, Howie!

Howard: Oh, it's not . . .

Mark: Howie, I mean . . .

Howard: It's nothing . . .

Mark: I mean the way you're gettin' to p— to play n all these exotic places, I mean . . .

Howard: Yeah.

Mark: Tell me something, tell me and all my girl— Tell me, do you really have a hit record on the charts now with a bullet? I mean that's really important to me.

Howard: Listen, honey, would I lie to you just to get in your pants?

Mark: He-Hey! Listen!

Jim: Hey, hey . . .

Mark: Hey, listen to me, tell him, we are not groupies!

Howard: No, I never, I never said that. . .

Mark: We're not groupies! You better understand—I told Robert Plant it, I told Elton John, I told all those big guys . . .

Howard: Robert Planet?

Mark: We are not groupies!

Howard: No, I never . . .

Mark: Roger Daltrey never laid a hand on me!

Howard: No, I never— I— Obvious to see why— Listen, I've never . . .

Mark: And my . . .

Jim: Howard . . .

Mark: Tell him! Tell him right now!

Jim: We only like musicians for friends, you know?

FZ: Real straight arrow, Howie.

Mark: Really, just for friends, Howie.

Jim: But we still like you.

FZ: Yeah, we wouldn't mind coming in your bus though.

Jim: I mean, we still want to hear your record.

Howard: Listen you chicks, now didn't, didn't you just say that you got off bein' juked with a baby octopus and spewed upon with creamed corn, an' that your harelipped dyke-o bass-playing girlfriend on the backseat had to have it with a Yoo-hoo bottle or she went apeshit?

Mark: Oh . . .

Howard: What's the deal, baby?

Mark: Howie!

Howard: Come on . . .

Mark: Howie, listen to me, all that's true . . .

Howard: Come across, like, you know?

Mark: I swear, all that's true, and sometimes I even dig it with a Dr. Brown's Cream Soda or a Cel-Ray! But we are not groupies! No matter what you think . . .

Howard: No, I never . . .

Mark: We are not groupies.

Howard: You see, there seems to be some kind of a communications problem, honey, because I, I'm a lonely guy from outta town, you know, an' I, I want some action. What, what I'm talkin' about is, I wanna a-a steaming, succulent, ever-widening, gooey, drippy, runny kind of a hole with a, with—how shall I put this? What say we hop in the trunk of your Gremlin and get our rocks off?

Mark: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Jesus!

FZ: Very agile, Howie, very agile!

Mark: I'm in this band, man, I am in this band no matter what we do up here, you know . . . Now listen, it just so happens . . .

Howard: Yeah.

Mark: Tonight me and my girlfriends, I mean, we've all come here for one thing tonight . . .

Howard: Yeah?

Mark: Looking for a guy. And we're looking for a guy from a group.

Howard: Wow!

Mark: But he's gotta have a dick!

Howard: No!

Mark: And he's gotta have a dick that's a monster!

Howard: Waaah! . . . That's me! That's me! Oh! Oh, you voluptuous Manhattan Island clit . . .

FZ: I swear he was a Manhattan Island.

Howard: Take me, I'm yours, you hole, fulfill my wildest dreams!

Mark: Oh! Anything for you, my most seductive, seclusive pop star of a man . . .

Howard: Yeah?

Mark: Picture this if you can . . .

Howard: Oh . . .

Mark: Bead jobs!

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Knotted nylons!

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Bamboo canes!

Howard: Oh!

Mark: Three unreleased recordings of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young fighting at the dressing room of the Fillmore East!

Howard: Oh!

Mark: One enchilada wrapped with pickle sauce shoved up and down in between a donkey's legs until he can't stand it no more! All this and more, Howie, including an electric cooled pony harness, with fuel injection . . . fuel injection . . . fuel injection . . .

Howard: Oh, my God, I . . . I . . . I can't stand it! I mean, I mean, do you understand the implications of what I'm saying? I, I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! Feet on fire! I'm going home! I gotta see my baby! I [...] so bad! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't— Oh! Oh no! . . . Oh, my God! . . . I can't stand it. Oh, I really can't stand it. Please, give it to me, give it to me right here in the trunk of your Gremlin, give me, give me the enchilada with the pickle sauce shoved up and down the donkey's ass until he can't come anymore!

Mark: Hey-hey! Not until you sing me your big hit record! And I wanna hear the big hit record, and I wanna hear it now, an' I wanna hear the big hit record now with the bullet! With the bullet!

Howard: The bullet?

Mark: The bullet! The bullet! It's the part that gets me the hottest! Now sing me that record, and I wanna hear it right now or you ain't driving nowhere tonight, buddy.

Howard: Well, I know when I'm licked all over. Okay, baby! Bend over and spread 'em! Here comes my bullet!

Howard: Say!

Imagine me and you
I do
I think about you day and night
It's only right
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up
(Call you up)
Invest a dime
And you say you belong to me
(Ease my mind)
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be
(Very fine)
So very fine
So happy together

Mark: Just like a big rock show, everybody sing along!

I can't see me
Lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me
Baby, the skies will be blue
For all my life

Mark: Everybody sing along like a big rock show, come on!

Mark & Howard: One more time!

FZ: We'd like to thank you very much for coming to our concert tonight. I know that ah (uh-hum) in a way it's sad that Bill Graham is closing down the Fillmore, but ah, I'm sure he'll get into something better . . . It's been lovely, working for you this evening, good night . . .

Good night . . .
(Good night, good night . . . )
Good night, boys and girls!
(Good night, good night . . . )
Good night, good night, boys and girls!
Good . . . night . . .
Good night, boys and girls!

 

 

Tears began to fall
The writing's on the wall
'Cause there was nothing I could say
She took the car and drove away
And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
That's when the tears began to fall
'Cause I ain't got no love at all

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
And tears began to fall
Tears began to fall and fall and fall
And tears began to fall

And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Now!

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
(Tears began to fall)
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
(Tears began to fall)
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
(Tears began to fall again)
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
(Tears began to fall)
Tears began to fall