Halloween 78

Girl From TV:
Mine!

This girl is easy meat
I seen her on the street
See-through blouse an' a tiny little dress
Her manner indiscreet
I knew she was
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy
Easy, easy
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat

She wanna take me home
Make me sweat and moan
Rub my head and beat me off
With a copy of Rollin' Stone
I knew she was
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy
Easy, easy
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat

I told her I was late
I had another date
I can't get off on the Rollin' Stone
But the robots think it's great
I knew she was
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy
Easy, easy
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat

Easy
(Ow! You know the girl's so easy)
Easy
(Oh, I saw her tiny titties
Through her see-through blouse
I just had to take the girl right down to my house)
Easy
Meat

Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me

He was the Playboy Type (he smoked a pipe)
His fav'rite phrase was "outa-site!"

FZ: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Look. Wait a minute. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Stop. Stop. Just keep the beat going. Give me the pen, give me the pen. Now look, this is— Look, you want me, you want me to play a show or to sign autographs? This is the last one for now. Please. Okay. All right, I'll [...]touch your hand.
Audience Member: Sit on our her face!
FZ: Sit on your face?
Audience Member: Yeah!
FZ: What?
Audience Member: Sit on our her face, man. Sit on our her face!
Another Audience Member: Sit on my face!
FZ: Okay. All right. Anything to please you. Now look, give me a break, I want to sing my godamn song here! Hey, one other thing, don't throw hard objects on the stage, please.

He was the Playboy Type (he smoked a pipe)
His fav'rite phrase was "outa-site!"
He had an Irish Setter
(Hrtch-a-pltch
Hrtch-a-pltch
Hrtch-a-pltch
Arf!)

It was a singles bar, a Tuesday night
The moon was dim, the band was tight
They did the Bump together

What a splendid sight
(La la la la)
Her teeth were white
The drinks were cheap
(It was Ladies Nite)
He was glad that he met her

She was an office girl ("My name is Betty")
Her fav'rite group was Helen Reddy
(They discussed the weather)

Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Man!

She was a lonely sort, just a little too short
Her jokes were dumb and her fav'rite sport
Was hockey (in the winter)

He was duly impressed and was quick to suggest
Any sport with a PUCK had to be 'bout the best
As he jabbed his elbow in her
(Oh, get it? [...])

Later on they went off to where the music was soft
The candles were drippy, they saw a real hippy
Who delivered their dinner

The rice was brown, and soon they found
That the crowd around that had jammed the room
Well it seemed to be getting thinner

Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Man!

He took her home to a motor court
She wouldn't kiss him, he tried to ignore it
But it made him angry!
(Angry! [...])

He called her a slut
(Slut slut slut . . . )
A pig
(Pig pig pig . . . )
And a whore
(Whore whore whore . . . )
A bitch
(Bitch bitch bitch . . . )
And a cunt
(Cunt cunt cunt . . . )
And she slammed
(Slammed slammed . . .)
The door
(The door!)
In a petulant frenzy!
(A petulant frenzy!
This is a petulant
Frenzy!
I'm petulant
And I'm having a frenzy!)

On the sofa she weeps
(Boo hoo hoo hoo)
She weeps and she weeps
(Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
She weeps and she peeps
Through the curtain

He just got in his car
But the battery's dead
So he has to use the phone
And she gives him some head
And that's the end of the story

Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Man!
Baby, don't you want a man sometimes?

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

The good girls, they sure has it tough
The good men, well there just ain't enough
The good girls lookin' all the time
A good man is something that they can't find
And if they find one miraculously
They try to be as lovin' as they can be
'Cause if they find one and let him go
The chances are they might not never find one no mo'

So they keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

A girl don't need
No fancy grease
To get herself
Some rump release
Any kind
Of lube will do
Maybe from another
Part of you
Lube from the North
Lube from the South
Take a little slobber
From the side of your mouth
Roll it over
Grease it down
Here come that crazy
Screamin' sound . . .

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Roll it over 'n grease it down
Down
Down
Grease it down . . .
(I grease it down!)

Some take the Bible
For what it's worth
When it says that the meek
Shall inherit the Earth
Well, I heard that some sheik
Has bought New Jersey last week
'N you suckers ain't gettin' nothin'

Is Hare Rama really wrong
If you wander around
With a napkin on
With a bell on a stick
An' your hair is all gone
The geek shall inherit nothin'

You say yer life's a bum deal
'N yer up against the wall
Well, darling, you ain't even got no
Kind of deal at all
'Cause what they do
In Washington
They just takes care of Number One
An' Number One ain't you
You ain't even Number Two

Those Jesus Freaks
Well, they're friendly but
The shit they believe
Has got their minds all shut
An' they don't even care
When the church takes a cut
Ain't it bleak when you got so much nothin'

(So whaddya do?)

You eat that pork
You eat that ham
Laugh till ya choke
On Billy Graham
Moses, Aaron 'n Abraham
They're all a waste of time
'N it's your ass that's on the line
(It's your ass that's on the line)
It's your ass that's on the line

Do what you wanna
Do what you will
Just don't mess up
Your neighbor's thrill
'N when you pay the bill
Kindly leave a little tip
And help the next poor sucker
On his one way trip
Some take the Bible . . .
(Aw, gimme a half a dozen for the hotel room!)

City of tiny lites
Well, don't you wanna go
Hear the tiny auto horns
When they tiny blow
Tiny lightnin'
In the storm
Tiny blankets
Keep you warm
Tiny pillows
Tiny tiny tiny tiny sheets
Talkin' 'bout them tiny cookies
That the peoples eats

City of tiny lites
Well, maybe you should know
That it's over there
In the tiny dirt somewhere

You can see it any time
When you get the squints
From your downers and your wine
You're so big
It's so tiny
Every cloud is silver line-y
The great escape for all of you
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do

City of tiny lites
Don't you wanna go
Hear the tiny auto horns
When they tiny blow
Tiny lightnin'
In the storm
Tiny blankets
Keep you warm
Tiny pillows
Tiny tiny tiny tiny sheets
Talkin' 'bout them tiny cookies
That the peoples eats
That the peoples eats
That the peoples eats
That the peoples eats

And It's over there
And it's over there
And it's over there
And it's over there

FZ: Hey! Got your costume on! Not bad. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, L. Shankar, violin whizz guy. Professionally known as The Bionic Parrot.

FZ:

All right, now we're gonna get a little bit weird.

Can I, uh, can I invite somebody named Warren up to the stage, please? Send me one Warren Cuccurullo, please. Where is he? Where is Warren?

Just keep playing, just vamp among yourselves.

All right, ladies and gentlemen—come 'ere—this is a friend of mine named Warren Cuccurullo. Now, Warren came down to Florida while we were down there—No, keep a regular beat, d'you know what I mean? Keep the beat going on—rock & roll audience—there you go. Very good. All right.

Now, Warren came down to Florida while we were down there, the beginning of the tour, and he told me a story. It's a true story. This is something that actually happened to Warren. And I thought that it was such an interesting story—and I may be wrong, you may not like the story—but I thought that if we can get him here on Halloween to tell you his story while we play the musical accompaniment to it, that you might enjoy it.

Warren, over here. Use Patrick's mike. ThisJust to— Let me, let me get into conducting position.

All right, also, also part of this little routine is, I, I want you people to help out with the story. Now, here's what you do. Whenev— Whenever you agree or sympathize with what Warren is telling you, you can all go, "Yeah!" And, if you think that what he's telling you is full of shit, then you go, "No!" Okay? Now watch this.

Warren:

Okay! Now here I am, I'm a Brooklyn boy. And I work in Manhattan. For my father, now, you can go for that, right? I work out on a truck. I drive around Manhattan all day long with my friend Vinnie, who should be here. Now, we look for women all day long. What else is there to do? I mean, we're getting paid, right?

Now, we pulled out to the Empire State Building—a place where we frequently deliver to. And I'm horny as can be. Hard as a rock. Come on. So I decided I had to go on my errand, you know, get of my ass for a while. But still looking for the right girl. So I go through the, I go through the revolving door of the Empire State Building, and I see a girl into enter the next cubicle as I'm revolving through it, and I say, "I'd love to get stuck in here with you!" And she just turned around and looked at me and, the looks were right, and I mean, we— Lustful. I could tell that it was happening. I just continued through the revolving door, went up to her, kissed her, and then I asked her her name. She said, "Ms. X."

What's in a name, I figurefigured, heh heh hey, heh. She looked like a great girl, you know. So we got together, we exchanged phone numbers, and I called her that evening. We talked for at least an hour, and she w— she was describing her body to me. I was so— I couldn't even believe it, the first phone call I ever had with this girl. She's describing her long, sulky, beautiful built-up thighs, her splendid slender back, her incredible buns, and to see if I was a little kinky she even described the arch of a her foot for me. Now when we got here, we got to that point, we were almost masturbating to each other on the phone. So, okay, hey, I gotta get, I gotta get my [...]rocks off, man, I just gotta get my [...] rocks off sometimes, you know, on the phone.

Yeah, well. I decided that the next day would be the perfect time to get together. So, put in my hard day's work and I drove myself uptown to where she resides on. 53rd Street. And, I made my way up there, decided I might even pick up some booze. Picked up $50 worth of booze. I'm [...], Amaretto! I had myself some Scotch, I had everything. We even have some Vermouth. Mixed a few highballs up in her room. Listened to some Frank Zappa records. And then we got real hot, I mean, you know, listening to, uh . . . Then I said, "What's going on here? I mean, oh, I just, I came down to your apartment, man, I just, I'm stoned and, what's going on, you know, had a couple of drinks." And then she just started rubbing her hands on me, and I, I was responding. And then she was all over me before, before I could even unzip myself, she was on me.

So then I just got up and I said, "Ms. X, what are we gonna do now?" And she said, "Warren, grab my crotch, please, I'm gonna piss." I said, "Okay," and I started rubbing it. And the more I rubbed, the harder it got. Bigger and harder it got.

What am I gonna do now? I mean, I'm stuck in Manhattan. I gotta have thought I had a woman here, don't you know. Something I can get into. Something I can really get into, you know, hey. So I told her that I don't think I could really get along with her sexually. You know, I'm not that crazy, you know, heh heh. What could I say? Came to the point where we just, we had, we had to feel each other's organs. But I was feeling hers and looking at her face and I was saying, "This isn't a man! Is it a lady?" I didn't know what to expect so I just said, "I must leave you. I must get out of here. I cannot handle it, so, Ms. X, let's just be friends. All I wanna be is friends, I mean, you're so interesting. You're so pretty, you're so beautiful, but . . ." Oh, what a dick! I think I was the bigger dick ot them all.

That's my story for tonight. It's all true.

I couldn't say where she's comin' from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She strolled on over, said look here, bum
I got a forty-dollar bill says you can't make me cum
No way! Y'jes can't do it

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don't mind that she called me a bum
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
So I got down to it

Whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation on her sugar plum

Poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
Still didn't hear no Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm

Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Where's this Dinah-Moe
Comin' from
I done spent three hours
An' I ain't got a crumb
From the Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe
From the Dinah-Moe Humm

Got a spot that gets me hot
An' you ain't been to it
Got a spot that gets me hot
An' you ain't been to it
Got a spot that gets me hot
An' you ain't been to it
Spot that gets me hot
You ain't been to it

'Cause I can't get into it
Unless I get out of it
An' I gotta get out of it
Before I get into it
'Cause I can't get into it
Unless I get out of it
An' I gotta get out of it
Before I get into it

She looked over at me with a glazed eye
And some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area
And she said . . .

Just get me wasted
An' you're half-way there
'Cause if my mind's tore up
Well, then my body don't care

I rubbed my chinny-chin-chin
An' said my-my-my
What sort of thing
Might this lady get high upon?

The forty-dollar bill didn't matter no more
When her sister got nekkid an' laid on the floor
She said Dinah-Moe might win the bet
But she could use a little ______ if I wasn't done yet

I told her . . .
Just because the sun
Want a place in the sky
No reason to assume
I wouldn't give her a try

So I pulled on her hair
Got her legs in the air
An' asked if she had any cooties in there

(Whaddya mean cooties! No cooties on me!)

She was buns-up kneelin'
(Buns up!)
I was wheelin' an' dealin'
(Wheelin' an' dealin' an' ooooh!)
She surrender to the feelin'
(Sweetly surrendered)
An' she started in to squealin'

Dinah-Moe watched
From the edge of the bed
With her lips just a-twitchin'
An' her face gone red
Some drool rollin' down
From the edge of her chin
While she spied the condition
Her sister was in

She quivered, she quaked
She clutched at herself
Her sister made a joke
About her mental health
Until Dinah-Moe finally
Did give in
But I told her
All she really needed
Was some discipline

That's when I said
Kiss my aura . . . Dora . . .
That's right
Because it's . . .
Real angora!
Would you all like some more-a?
Right here on the flora?
An' how about you, Fauna?
You . . .?

Nancy: You wanna!

FZ: All right. So much for that ritual. Here is what we're gonna do. We're going back to the beginning of the song and, because it is Halloween, and because you have nothing better to do at this moment in, time and space, you are gonna clap your hands and you are gonna sing along with the song, and you are going to do it really loud. So let's take it away. One, two, three, four!

Couldn't say where she's comin' from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

FZ: Louder!

Strolled on over, said look here, bum
I got a forty-dollar bill says you can't make me cum
Y'jes can't do it

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don't mind that she called me a bum
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
So I got down to it

Whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
An' you know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe)
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe!)
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe)
Dinah-Moe . . .

FZ: All right, all right. Now look, what we're gonna do is mix and match tonight. We're gonna play a few old songs and a few new songs and a few weird things and just try and— We're gonna see exactly how long we keep this up without crumbling on stage. Okay. I wanna do a— No, we didn't— We practised some other ones this afternoon that, that we hardly ever do, and here's, here's one of them. The name of this song is "Go Cry On Somebody Else's Shoulder." No, no. Remember the chords on the intro? Come on, you guys! It was only a couple hours ago. The chordschord, you know . . .

FZ: Okay.

Go cry
On somebody else's shoulder
I'm somewhat wiser now
And one whole year older
I sure don't need you now
And I don't love you
Anymore

FZ: Thank you.

You cheated me baby
Told some dirty lies about me
Fooled around with all those other guys
That's why I had to set you free
I sure don't need you now
And I don't love you
Anymore

FZ: An— Anybody who knows the background part, sing along.

Go ahead and cry
Go ahead and let the tears fall out of your eye
Let 'em fall on your dress
Who cares if it makes a mess?
I gave you my high school ring
At the root beer stand
We had a teen-age love
I thought it was sharp
It was really so grand . . . but

You cheated me baby
And told dirty lies about me
Fooled around with all those other guys
That's why I had to get my khakis pressed
I sure don't need you now
And I don't love you
Anymore
Anymore . . .

I don't need you
(I don't need you)
I don't want you
(I don't want you)
I don't need you
(Oh, you treat me so bad, baby)
I don't love you
(Oh, you treat me like a piece of shit)
I don't need you
(Oh, you know that's not it)
I don't want you
I can't use you
(Gotta get a rubber girl)
I need a rubber girl
(I need a rubber girl)
A little rubber girl
(I just pull the string and she she'll do anything)
I need a rubber girl
(Rubber girl)
Send me up a little rubber girl
(Y'know I can put it in the back)
I got a rubber girl
(I get one with a 69 dollar battery pack)
Here comes my rubber girl
(The little rubber girl)
A little rubber girl
(She loves to do anything I want)
Little rubber girl
(My little rubber girl)
My little rubber girl
(I pull the string and she do anything)
I know she loves me
(I can put it in the back)
I know she loves me
(I can put it in the front crack)
I know she loves me
(I can push her tonsils down her throat)
I know she loves me
(And make that bitch scream like a goat)
I never have no trouble with my rubber girl
(I like to bend her over and ram it all the way in)
I never have any trouble with the little rubber girl
(And then go back and do it again)
I never have no trouble with the little rubber girl
(Y'know you treated me like shit)
I never have no trouble with the little rubber girl
(Ohh, that's why I never fucked you, baby)
I love my little rubber girl
(My little rubber girl)
I never have no trouble with my little rubber girl
(She's the only girl)
I never have no trouble with my little rubber girl
(I just pull the string and she don't talk back)
And she dances great!
(She likes to put it in the back)
(I don't need you)
(My kind of girl)
Little rubber girl
(Y'know I fuck you every day)
Run-nnn-nn-nnn-rubber-girl
(And you treat me like shit)
Run-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-rubber-girl
(Fuck you bitch I'm gonna rape)
Run-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-little-rubber-girl
(My little rubber girl)
Run-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-little-rubber-girl
(Little rubber girl)
Little rubber girl
(Oh my little rubber girl, rubber girl)
Little rubber girl
(Oh my little rubber girl)
Little rubber girl
(Hey my little rubber girl)
(I don't need you)
(69 dollars'll put you in heaven, baby)
You know . . .
Me and my rubber girl
(You must admit you're . . . baby)
(You must admit [...])
We get along really swell
We never argue
Three holes, no waiting
As long as I got the bicycle pump everything's okay
(I don't want you)
Now, let's just imagine that
(I don't need you)
Me and the rubber girl took care of business
(I don't want you)
And the byproduct
(I don't need you)
Of our illicit liason produced
(I don't want you)
A rubberized offspring
(Rubber, rubbery-rubber, rubber offspring)
(I don't need you)
No Now, what sort of creature
(I don't want you)
Might come out of such unholy union? Eh?
(I don't need you)
Well, I'll tell ya
(I don't want you)
Somebody that looked and acted
(I don't need you)
Just like the Idiot Bastard Son
That's the truefor sure
How's that for a low-budget segue?
Watch this now
One, two, three, one, two . . .

The idiot bastard son
The father's a Nazi in Congress today
The mothers's a hooker somewhere in L.A.

The idiot bastard son
Abandoned to perish in back of a car
Kenny will stash him away in a jar
The idiot boy!

Try and imagine
The window all covered in green
All the time he would spend
At the church he'd attend
Warming his pew

Kenny will feed him and Ronnie will watch
The child will thrive and grow
And enter the world
Of liars and cheaters and people like you
Who smile and think they know
What this is about

You think you know everything
Maybe so
The song we sing
Do you know?
We're listening
The idiot boy!

Try and imagine
The window all covered in green
All the time he would spend
All the colors he'd blend
Where are they now?

FZ: And the name of this song is "Bobby Brown Goes Down."

Hey there, people, I'm Bobby Brown
They say I'm the cutest boy in town
My car is fast, my teeth is shiney
I tell all the girls they can kiss my heinie
Here I am at a famous school
I'm dressin' sharp 'n I'm actin' cool
I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper
Let her do all the work 'n maybe later I'll rape her

Oh God, I am the American dream
I do not think I'm too extreme
An' I'm a handsome sonofabitch
I'm gonna get a good job 'n be real rich

Women's Liberation
Came creepin' all across the nation
I tell you people, I was not ready
When I fucked this dyke by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then
Aw, she tried to make me say when
She had my balls in a vice, but she left the dick
I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick

Oh God, I am the American dream
But now I smell like Vaseline
An' I'm a miserable sonofabitch
Am I a boy or a lady . . . I don't know which

So I went out 'n bought me a leisure suit
I jingle my change, but I'm still kinda cute
Got a job doin' radio promo
An' none of the jocks can even tell I'm a homo
Eventually me 'n a friend
Sorta drifted along into S&M
I can take about an hour on the Tower of Power
'Long as I gets a little golden shower

Oh God, I am the American dream
With a spindle up my butt till it makes me scream
An' I'll do anything to get ahead
I lay awake nights sayin', "Thank you, Fred!"
Oh God, Oh God, I'm so fantastic!
Thanks to Freddie, I'm a sexual spastic
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin' down
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin' down
And my name is Bobby Brown

FZ: Watch me now, because the name of this song is "Conehead."

Conehead . . . she ain't really dumb
She's just a
Conehead . . . 'tater chip crumbs
All over her face
Is there any more beer
Stashed away at her place? She's just a
Conehead
(She can't help herself)
She a Conehead girl
Pitch her a ring
That is the thing
That's getting her hot-uh
A hoop or a ring
Goin' over the top of her
Conehead
(She is from a small town in France
You know what I mean?)
That's what she gives me is-uh
Conehead
When she's on her knees
The point is so high
(High!)
I keep sayin' please
Keep it out of my eye, she's just a
Conehead

Remulak, Remulak, Remulak
I'm coming back
Remulak, Remulak, Remulak

Remulak, Remulak, Remulak
I'm coming back
Remulak, Remulak, Remulak

FZ: All right, now. Let me, let me try that head atrezzo hat, I'll trade you for a minute . . . All right. What's your name?
Cleve: Cleve.
FZ: Thanks, thanks for making this out. I love this. It looks good in the mov—
Cleve: [Gene Harvey] Me and Herbie made the hat.
FZ: It looks good in the movie. I need the cone back now. Although you really should buy one of these, 'cause it's great on you, you know what I mean? . . . What did you say?
Cleve: My hat is much better.
FZ: I think it is too, yes. Much more attractive. [...] I'll tell you what. You want the cone? No, I want the— I'm, I'm gonna use the cone later. I have a, I have a later on use for the cone. Now, on the planet of Remulak, where the Coneheads actually come from, they have a very highly evolved system of music, based on the carbohydrate notation system. A lot of theoretical work has been done, trying to decipher—I can't come over there 'cause if I do it'll feed back, but just pretend . . . OkayAll right, and now, direct from Remulak himselfitself, the Bionic Parrot, L. Shankar. Give 'em the works!

FZ: All right, this is another one of the new songs we've been doing. This is a song about people who pretend to kill themselves. You all know the kind of person that pretends to kill his or herselves. The kind of a person who can never do anything right. When these people pretend to kill themselves you always say to yourself, "Why, why do they always fuck it up? Why don't they just get it over with then and stop calling me at five o'clock in the morning to tell, to tell you how they're gonna slash their wrists, or take some more pills, or those all these terrible ways they expected expect they're gonna crop themselves, and you are supposed to feel sorry for them?" Now where is that at? These people are fucked up.

You say there ain't no use in livin'
It's all a waste of time . . .

FZ: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, stop, stop. This is a little too fast there, don't you think so? Slow down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's better. Yeah, right. All right.

You say there ain't no use in livin'
It's all a waste of time
'N you wanna throw your life away, well
People that's just fine
Go ahead on 'n get it over with then
Find you a bridge 'n take a jump
Just make sure you do it right the first time
'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump

You say there ain't no light a-shinin'
Through the bushes up ahead
'N we're all gonna be so sorry
When we find out you are dead
Go ahead on 'n get it over with then
Find you a bridge 'n take a jump
(Fall, Whoa! All the way down in the water!)
Just make sure you do it right the first time
'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump

Now maybe you're scared of jumpin'
'N poison makes you sick
'N you need a little attention
'N you want it pretty quick
Don't wanna mess your face up
Or we won't know if it's you
Aw, there's just so much to worry about
Now what you gonna do?
Go ahead on 'n get it over with then
(That's right)
Just find you a bridge 'n take a jump
Just make sure you do it right the first time
'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump

Aw, chump it one time

Now maybe you're scared of jumpin'
'N poison makes you sick
'N you want a little attention
'N you need it pretty quick
Don't wanna mess your face up
Or we won't know if it's you
Aw, there's just so much to worry about
Now what you gonna do?
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Everybody!
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Oh, why don't you kill yourself)
Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Oh, why don't you kill, kill yourself)
Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Oh, what a bridge to jump over through)
Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Oh, ... pills ... I think you just go on to a bridge
And jump out and kill yourself)
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Go head on 'n get it over with then

FZ: Now wait a minute! Now wait a minute! Please bring the band on down behind me. What are you guys, tired? Now look here. I want you to sing the song—we're recording this fucking thing and I want some background vocals! Now let's go.

Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Oh, why don't you go and jump over Tommy Mars' [...])
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Up there!
Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Oh, why don't you [...])
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Go head on 'n get it over with then
(Oh, [...] some wine)
Go head on 'n get it over with then

FZ: Keep singing while I get my guitar!

(Oh, I think you're just mad
Oh, [...] went too far
Oh, take that fork screwed through your eyes now
Oh, I'm going to get it over with now
Oh, jump off a bridge [...])

(Oh, get it over with then
Oh, get it over with
Oh, don't be so chickenshit
Oh, don't be so chickenshit)

FZ: And the name of this song is "Little House I Used To Live In."

FZ: All right. This afternoon we practiced, uh— Let's say we practiced some old songs. But this is one of them that we didn't practiced. But I promised, a couple of days ago I promised somebody that I would play the song. Yeah. All right, just a second. Oh, nice shot. No, we can't do that. Mm-mmh? Okay. Okay, uh, just a minute now, just a minute. Why not.
Girl In The Audience: I'll see you next year.
FZ: Okay. See you next year. Okay, bye bye. All right. Okay, okay, okay.
Audience Member: If the cops come on would you dance with them again?
FZ: If the cops come on can you dance with 'em again? Why, of course! Okay. What is that? Just a moment, please. Don't take me by surprise. Can I see that?
Audience Member: Give me a tune!
FZ: Just a minute. Just a minute. [...] Is that Don Pardo? Yes! Right! Okay. Do I get to keep this? Thank you! All right.

FZ: The name of this song is "Stink-Foot." One, two, three, four . . . Remember I told you we didn't practice this this afternoon, but what they hey!

Well, here Fido, here Fido . . .
Bring the slippers, little puppy . . .
Yes, that's a good dog
And here he comes now
"Arf, arf, arf, arf
Art, arf, arf, arf!"
Sick!

FZ: Okay. Another song we don't usually play but would be nice for this evening. Now this is a twist number. It's kind of a twist and surf number. It's the instrumental version of a song called "Take Your Clothes Off When You Dance." We're just gonna play it, if you wanna sing it, that's your business. This is, uh— Everybody twist. One, two, three, four . . .

FZ: Go ahead, break yourself in easy. Just play the chord changes to get used to it . . . Now.

FZ: "Peaches."

FZ: "Strictly Genteel."

FZ: All right, all right, all right. [...] Okay. And now another waltz. The name of this waltz is "Sofa #2." Let me hear the opening note . . . Okay.

FZ: One, two, three . . .

I am the heaven
I am the water
Ich bin der Dreck unter deinen Walzen
Ich bin dein geheimer Schmutz
Und verlorenes Metallgeld
(Metallgeld)
Ich bin deine Ritze
Ich bin deine Ritze und Schlitze

I am the clouds
I am embroidered
Ich bin der Autor aller Felgen
Und Damast-Paspeln
Ich bin der Chrome Dinette
Ich bin der Chrome Dinette
Ich bin Eier aller Arten

Ich bin alle Tage und Nächte
Ich bin alle Tage und Nächte

Ich bin hier
(Aiee-ah!)
Und du bist mein Sofa
Ich bin hier
(Aiee-ah!)
Und du bist mein Sofa
Ich bin hier
Und du bist mein Sofa

Eddie, are you kidding me?
Eddie, are you kidding me?
Eddie, are you kidding me?

Maybe you thought I was the Packard Goose
Or the Ronald MacDonald of the nouveau-abstruse
Well fuck all them people, I don't need no excuse
For being what I am
Do you hear me, then?

All them rock & roll writers is the worst kind of sleaze
Selling punk like some new kind of English disease
Is that the wave of the future?
Aw, spare me please!

Oh no, you gotta go
Who do you write for?
I wanna know
I believe you is the government's whore
And keeping peoples dumb
Is where you're coming from
And keeping peoples dumb
Is where you're coming from

Fuck all them writers with the pen in their hand
I will be more specific so they might understand
They can all kiss my ass
But because it's so grand
They best just stay away
Hey, hey, hey

Hey, Joe, who did you blow?
Moe pushed the button boy
And you went to the show
Better suck a little harder or the shekels won't flow
And I don't mean your thumb
So on your knees you bum
Just tell yourself it's yum
And suck it till you're numb

Information is not knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is not truth
Truth is not beauty
Beauty is not love
And love is not music
And music is the best
However denied
Whenever it's tried
A lever is never for ever

If you're in the audience and like what we do
Well, we want you to know that we like you all too
But as for the sucker who will write the review
If his mind is prehensile
(Mind is prehensile)
He'll put down his pencil
(Put down his pencil)
And have himself a squat
On the Cosmic Utensil
(Cosmic Utensil)
It's good for you!
You really need to squat
On the Cosmic Utensil
(Cosmic Utensil)
It's good for you!
Give it all you got
On the Cosmic Utensil
(Cosmic Utensil)
Sit 'n spin until you rot
On the Cosmic Utensil
(Cosmic Utensil)
(Cosmic Utensil)

FZ: All right. This is it. It's the end of the show. This is Vince Colaiuta on drums. Arthur Barrow on bass. Patrick O'Hearn on bass. Tommy Mars on keyboards. Denny Walley on guitar. Peter Wolf on keyboards. Ed Mann on percussion. L. Shankar on violin. Thanks for coming to the show. Sing along one time.

You really need to squat
On the Cosmic Utensil
(Cosmic Utensil)
Give it all you got
On the Cosmic Utensil
(Cosmic Utensil)
(Cosmic Utensil)
Sit 'n spin until you rot
On the Cosmic Utensil
(Cosmic Utensil)

FZ: You know what? Hey! Hey hey, listen! I got a really good idea. Really good idea. Listen to this one. Instead, instead of us walking off the stage and then going to through all the trouble to come back, what we're gonna do—I'll make a deal with you—we'll, we'll play our encores straight through, and then when I tell you that's the end, that will be exactly, totally the end. And so, for our first encore selection, ladies and gentlemen . . .

FZ: The name of this song is "Magic Fingers"!

Ooh, the way you love me, lady
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Denny:
You got that kind of love that lingers
This here band's got magic fingers

FZ:
Been a-rollin' in the bed since the show got out
Now I'm gettin' weak in the knees
Must have did it eighty, ninety times
It might have been a hundred
But you're the kind of girl that I really wanna please
You're the kind of girl that I really wanna please

Denny & Arthur:
Do you really wanna please me?

FZ:
You know I do

Denny & Arthur:
Tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

FZ:
It wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Denny & Arthur:
You better tell me right away
Or I dress up and go!

FZ:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Denny & Arthur:
You better tell me right away
Don't you treat me cold

Well right about that time, people
A fur trapper
Who was strictly from commercial
(Strictly Commershil)
Had the unmedicated audacity to jump up from behind my igyaloo
(Peek-a-boo)
And he started in to whippin' on my fav'rite baby seal
With a lead-filled snow shoe

With a lead
(Lead)
Lead-filled
(Lead-filled)
With a lead-filled snow shoe
(Snow shoe)
He said Peak-a-boo
(Peak-a-boo)

With a lead
(Lead)
Lead-filled
(A lead-filled)
With a lead-filled snow shoe
(Snow shoe)
He said Peak-a-boo
(Peek-a-boo)

He went right up side the head of my favorite baby seal
He hit him on the nose, he hit him on the fin
And he, and he, and he injures injured
Each and every one of the important disco organs
In the tiny little seal's body

You know that got me just about as evil
As an Eskimo boy can be
(That's right!)
So I bent down 'n I reached down 'n I scooped down
An' I gathered up a generous mitten full of the deadly
(Yellow Snow)
The deadly Yellow Snow from right there where the huskies go
(That's right!)

And then I proceeded to rub it all into his beady little eyes
With a vigorous circular motion
Hitherto unknown to the citizens of New York
But destined to take the place of The Mud Shark
In your mythology
The vigorous circular motion
Here it goes now
Rub it!
(Hey!)
(Hey!)
(Hey!)

FZ: All right. Here it is. The big moment of audience participation wherein each and every one of you will stand up. Stand up. Stand up. Stand up. Stand up. It will It's only—Don't worry, it'll only take a minute. You can still be cool and sophisticated while you do this. Go on. Stand up. It won't hurt you. Now, here's what's gonna happen. We're gonna take care of the fur trapper right now. Just do what I do.

Now you pounce
You pounce again
Jump up 'n down the chest of the . . .

FZ: Now some of you are really sophisticated tonight. Gee, I wish I could get more lights on down the audience 'cause some of you aren't really pouncing, you know. I don't know what it is, maybe you're just—Uh—Wait a minute, are you too evolved to pounce? All right. Now, don't forget the little quick ones, you know what I mean? Everybody!

Now you pounce
You pounce again
You jump up 'n down the chest of the . . .

FZ: Now, there's a girl who's really trying but actually has no natural rhythm whatsoever. But, see? She tried! You tried, that's what's really important. Okay. Now relax, we're gonna go on with the story.

The fur trapper
Had been thoroughly pounced upon, yes
He was, as they say in the trade, pretty fucked up by this time
So he looked around
And he looked around
And he looked around again
And looked around again and he said . . .

I can't see
I can't see
I can't see
(No no no no no . . .)
I can't see
(No no no no no . . .)

He took a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuffed it in my right eye
He took a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuffed it in my other eye
An' the huskie wee-wee, I mean the doggie wee-wee
Has blinded me
Great Googly-Moogly, I can't see
Temporarily

Well the fur trapper
It was at this time that the fur trapper remembered the ancient Eskimo legend
Wherein it is written
On whatever it is that they write it on up there
That if anything bad ever happens to your eyes
As a result of some sort of conflict
With anyone named Nanook
The only way you can get it fixed up
Is to go trudgin' across the tundra
Trudgin' across the tundra
Right down to the parish of Saint Alfonzo

Now as you know
Saint Alfonzo is the patron saint of the smelt fishermen of Portuguese extraction
And Halloween is his favorite day of the year
And so, to celebrate this momentous occasion
We give you Ed Mann, take it away!

That's right, here we are!

At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene
An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine
I saw a handsome parish lady
Make her entrance like a queen
Why she was totally chenille
And her old man was a Marine
As she abused a sausage pattie
(Pittie-pittie-pattie pittie-pattie-pattie-pootie)
And said why don't you treat me mean?
(Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, oooooh!)
(Pittie!)
(Pattie!)
(Pootie!)
(Pootie-pootie!)
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
(Hah! Good God! Get off the bus!)
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene

Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo

Get on your feet an' do the funky Alfonzo!

Father Vivian O'Blivion
Resplendent in his frock
Was whipping up the batter
For the pancakes of his flock
He was looking rather bleary
(He forgot to watch the clock)
'Cause the night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked
(He stroked it)
The night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked
(He stroked it)
The night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked his
Sma-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ahhhhh
(Stroked his smock)
Which set him off in such a frenzy
He sang Lock Around The Crock
An' he topped it off with a . . .
An' he topped it off with a . . .
An' he topped it off with a . . .
Woo woo woo
Woo woo woo
Woo woo woo
As he stumbled on his cock
He was delighted as it stiffened
And ripped right through his sock
Oh, Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me
(Proud of me
Proud of me)
He shouted down the block

Dominus Vo-bisque 'em
Et come spear a tu-tu, oh!
Won't you eat my sleazy pancakes
Just for Saintly Alfonzo

They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite
They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite

They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town
They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town

Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo
(You want a pancake?)
I brought you your snow shoes
Ooo-ooo-ooo

Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo
I brought you your snow shoes
(One more pancake!)
Ooo-ooo-ooo

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-nanook
Na-na-na-na-na-nanook-oh
Nanook
Rubs it
Saint
Al
Al
Fo-fo-fo
Fo-fo-fo-fo-fo-fonzo

Saint Alfonzo really loves it when he rubs it for him
I have seen him rubbin' it
I have seen him rubbin' it
I have, I have a-seen him stroke his weenie
(It was teenie)
Rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
Nanook is rubbin' it, 'n Alfie is lovin' it
Saint Alfonzo, can you hear us praying to you?
Can you fix my Chevy?
Boy, you're really heavy
Here's the church and here's the steeple
Open up and see the people
Some are kneeling, some are standing
All the money they are handing
To some asshole with a basket
Where it goes we dare not ask it
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
This here basket really shoves it
Here's your quarter, here's your dollar
Let's play ring around the collar
Hup! Hey, get it now?
(We get it now!
We take now
Your little gifts)

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Friend!

FZ: All right. And the name of this song is "Camarillo Brillo." One, two, three, four!

She had that Camarillo brillo
Flamin' out along her head
I mean her Mendocino bean-o
By where some bugs had made it red

She ruled the Toads of the Short Forest
And every newt in Idaho
And every cricket who had chorused
By the bush in Buffalo

She said she was a Magic Mama
And she could throw a mean Tarot
And carried on without a comma
That she was someone I should know

She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in

And so she wandered through the door-way
Just like a shadow from the tomb
She said her stereo was four-way
An' I'd just love it in her room

Well, I was born to have adventure
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
To where she hung her castanets

She stripped away her rancid poncho
An' laid out naked by the door
We did it till we were un-concho
An' it was useless any more

She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in

And so she wandered, she wandered
And so she wandered
Through the door-way!
Just like a shadow from the tomb
She said her stereo was four-way
An' I'd just love it up in her room

Well, I was born to have adventure
(No shit)
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
(That's right)
To where she hung her castanets

I chewed my way through her rancid panocha
And she laid buck naked over by the door
We did it till we were un-concho
(That's right)
Yes, and it was useless anymore
Yes, it was useless anymore
Yes, it was useless anymore

FZ: And the name of this song is "Muffin Man"!

John Smothers:
Girl, she was— thought he was a man
He She was, he was a muffin

FZ:
(He hung around till you found
That he didn't know nothin')

John Smothers:
She hung around and she found
She didn't know nuthin'

FZ:
(Girl, you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin')

John Smothers:
Girl, she thought he was a man
But she only was a muffin

FZ:
(No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin')

John Smothers:
No cries is heard in the night
Because—

FZ:
(As a result of him stuffin')

John Smothers:
As result him stuffin'

FZ: All right, let's stuff it in there!

FZ: Hi. Good to see you guys again. All right. All right, settle down there. I'd like to introduce you to the members of our rockin' teen-age combo. Vince Colaiuta on drums. Arthur Barrow on bass. Patrick O'Hearn on bass. Tommy Mars on keyboards. Denny Walley on guitar. Peter Wolf on keyboards. Ed Mann on percussion. And I, I'm your resident buffoon and my name is Frank. Here we go.

FZ: One, two, three, four!

I don't know much about dancin'
That's why I got this song
One of my legs is shorter than the other
'N both my feet's too long
'Course now right along with 'em
Got no natural rhythm
But I go dancin' every night
Hopin' one day I might get it right
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I hear that beat, I jump outa my seat
But I can't compete, 'cause I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool

The disco folks all dressed up
Like they's fit to kill
I walk on in 'n see 'em there
Gonna give them all a thrill
When they see me comin'
They all steps aside
They has a fit while I commit
My social suicide
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
(Wrong!)
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
(Wrong!)
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
Dancin' fool
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
Dancin' fool

I got it all together now
With my very own disco clothes, hey!
My shirt's half open, to show you my chain
'N the spoon for up my nose
I am really somethin'
That's what you'd probably say
So smoke your little smoke
Drink your little drink
While I dance the night away
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
He's a
Dancin' fool

I may be totally wrong but I'm a
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
I may be totally wrong but I'm a fool (Yeah!)

Say darlin', can I buy ya a drink?
(Ki-ni-shinai!)
Are you lookin' for Mister Goodbar?
Wait a minute, I've got it, you're an Italian!
(Ki-ni-shinai!)
Yer Jewish?
Love your nails
You must be a Libra
(Ki-ni-shinai!)
Your place or mine?

This girl is easy meat
I seen her on the street
See-through blouse an' a tiny little dress
Her manner indiscreet
I knew she was
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy
Easy, easy
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat

She wanna take me home
Make me sweat and moan
Rub my head and beat me off
With a copy of Rollin' Stone
I knew she was
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy
Easy, easy
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat

I told her I was late
I had another date
I can't get off on the Rollin' Stone
But the robots think it's great
I knew she was
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy
Easy, easy
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat
Easy meat

Easy
(Ow! You know the girl's so easy)
Easy
(Oh, I saw her tiny titties
Through her see-through blouse
I just had to take the girl to my house)
Easy
Meat

Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me

He was the Playboy Type (he smoked a pipe)
His fav'rite phrase was "outa-site!"
He had an Irish Setter
(Hrtch-a-pltch
Hrtch-a-pltch
Hrtch-a-pltch
Arf!)

It was a singles bar, a Tuesday night
The moon was dim, the band was tight
They did the Bump together

What a splendid sight
(La la la la)
Her teeth were white
The drinks were cheap
(It was Ladies Nite)
He was glad that he met her

She was an office girl ("My name is Betty")
Her fav'rite group was Helen Reddy
(They discussed the weather)

Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Man!

She was a lonely sort, just a little too short
Her jokes were dumb and her fav'rite sport
Was hockey (in the winter)

He was duly impressed and was quick to suggest
Any sport with a PUCK had to be 'bout the best
As he jabbed his elbow in her
(Oh, get it, baby? [...] take it.)

Later on they went off to where the music was soft
The candles were drippy, they saw a real hippy
Who delivered their dinner

The rice was brown, and soon they found
That the crowd around that had jammed the room
Well it seemed to be getting thinner

Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Man!

He took her home to a motor court
She wouldn't kiss him, he tried to ignore it
But it made him angry!
(Yes, angry! You know what? [...])

He called her a slut
(Slut slut slut . . . )
A pig
(Pig pig pig . . . )
And a whore
(Whore whore whore . . . )
A bitch
(Bitch bitch bitch . . . )
And a cunt
(Cunt cunt cunt . . . )
And she slammed
(Slammed slammed . . .)
The door
(The door!)
In a petulant frenzy!
(A petulant frenzy!
This is a petulant
Frenzy!
I'm petulant
And I'm having a frenzy!)

On the sofa she weeps
(Boo hoo hoo hoo)
She weeps and she weeps
(Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
She weeps and she peeps
Through the curtain

He just got in his car
But the battery's dead
So he has to use the phone
And she gives him some head
And that's the end of the story

Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Baby, don't you want a
Man!
Baby, don't you want a man sometimes?

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

The good girls, well they sure has it tough
The good men, well there just ain't enough
The good girls is lookin' all the time
A good man is something that they can't find
If they find one miraculously
They try to be as lovin' as they can be
'Cause if they find one and let him go
The chances are they might not never find one no mo'

So they keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy

Roll it over 'n grease it down
I'll drive you through the heart of town

A girl don't need
No fancy grease
To get herself
Some rump release
Any kind
Of lube will do
Maybe from another
Part of you
Lube from the North
Lube from the South
Take a little slobber
From the side of your mouth
Roll it over
Grease it down
Here come that crazy
Screamin' sound . . .

Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey so it'll go down easy
Roll it over 'n grease it down
Down
Down
Grease it down . . .
(I grease it down!)

Some take the Bible
For what it's worth
When it says that the meek
Shall inherit the Earth
Well, I heard that some sheik
Has bought New Jersey last week
'N you suckers ain't gettin' nothin'

Is Hare Rama really wrong
If you wander around
With a napkin on
With a bell on a stick
An' your hair is all gone
The geek shall inherit nothin'

You say your life's a bum deal
An' you're up against the wall
Hey, you ain't even got no
Deal at all
'Cause what they do
In Washington
They just takes care of Number One
An' Number One ain't you
(No way!)
You ain't even Number Two
(That's right)

Those Jesus Freaks
Well, they're friendly but
The shit they believe
Has got their minds all shut
An' they don't even care
When the church takes a cut
Ain't it bleak when you got so much nothin'

(So whaddya do?)

Hey! Eat that pork
Eat that ham
Laugh till ya choke
On Billy Graham
Moses, Aaron 'n Abraham
They're all a waste of time
'N it's your ass that's on the line
(It's your ass that's on the line)
That's right!

Do what you wanna
Do what you will
Just don't mess up
Your neighbor's thrill
'N when you pay the bill
Kindly leave a little tip
And help the next poor sucker
On his one way trip
(All together!)
Some take the Bible . . .
(Aw, gimme a half a dozen for the hotel room!)

City of tiny lites
Well, don't you wanna go
Hear the tiny auto horns
When they tiny blow
Tiny lightnin'
In the storm
Tiny blankets
Keep you warm
Tiny pillows
Hey, tiny tiny tiny tiny sheets
Talkin' 'bout them tiny cookies
That the peoples eats

City of tiny lites
Well, maybe you should know
That it's over there
In the tiny dirt somewhere

You can see it any time
When you get the squints
From your downers and your wine
You're so big
It's so tiny
Every cloud is silver line-y
The great escape for all of you
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do

City of tiny lites
Don't you wanna go
Hear the tiny auto horns
When they tiny blow
Tiny lightnin'
In the storm
Tiny blankets
Keep you warm
Tiny pillows
Hey, tiny tiny tiny tiny sheets
Talkin' 'bout them tiny cookies
That the peoples eats
That the peoples eats
That the peoples eats
That the peoples eats

It's over there
It's over there
And it's over there
And it's over there

Hey there, people, I'm Bobby Brown
They say I'm the cutest boy in town
My car is fast, my teeth is shiney
I tell all the girls they can kiss my heinie
Here I am at a famous school
I'm dressin' sharp 'n I'm actin' cool
I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper
Let her do all the work 'n maybe later I'll rape her

Oh God, I am the American dream
I do not think I'm too extreme
An' I'm a handsome sonofabitch
I'm gonna get a good job 'n be real rich
(Get a good, get a good, get a good, get a good job)

Women's Liberation
Came creepin' all across the nation
I tell you people, I was not ready
When I fucked this dyke by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then
Aw, she tried to make me say when
She had my balls in a vice, but she left the dick
I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick

Oh God, I am the American dream
But now I smell like Vaseline
An' I'm a miserable sonofabitch
Am I a boy or a lady . . . I don't know which
(I wonder wonder, wonder wonder)

So I went out 'n bought me a leisure suit
I jingle my change, but I'm still kinda cute
Got a job doin' radio promo
An' none of the jocks can even tell I'm a homo
Eventually me 'n a friend
Sorta drifted along into S&M
I can take about an hour on the Tower of Power
'Long as I gets a little golden shower

Oh God, I am the American dream
With a spindle up my butt till it makes me scream
An' I'll do anything to get ahead
I lay awake nights sayin', "Thank you, Fred!"
Oh God, Oh God, I'm so fantastic!
Thanks to Freddie, I'm a sexual spastic
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin' down
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin' down
And my name is Bobby Brown

FZ: Watch me now, because the name of this song is "Conehead."

Conehead . . . she ain't really dumb
She's just a
Conehead . . . 'tater chip crumbs
All over her face
Is there any more beer
Stashed away at her place? She's just a
Conehead
(She can't help herself)
A Conehead girl
Pitch her a ring
That is the thing
That's getting her hot-uh
A hoop or a ring
Goin' over the top of her
Conehead
(She is from a small town in France
She's a Conehead girl)
You know
That's what she gives me is-uh
Conehead
When she's on her knees
The point is so high
(High!)
I keep sayin' please
Keep it out of my eye, she's just a
Conehead

Remulak, Remulak, Remulak
I'm coming back
Remulak, Remulak, Remulak

FZ: Now, look here, d'you think we'd get you to sing along with this part of the song? All right, wait a minute.

Remulak, Remulak, Remulak
I'm coming back
Remulak, Remulak, Remulak

Remulak, Remulak, Remulak
I'm coming back
Remulak, Remulak, Remulak

Remulak, Remulak, Remulak
I'm coming back
Remulak, Remulak, Remulak

FZ: Now, come on, louder!

Remulak, Remulak, Remulak
I'm coming back
Remulak, Remulak, Remulak

FZ: Not bad, not bad. I— It's only the first show, you know, so I figure you guys gotta get warmed up a little bit, I know. It takes a little time. All right, bring the band on down behind me, boys, let— let— let's have a little question & answer time. How many, how many of you have never seen this show before? . . . Hey! How many of you people have seen the shows last year on Halloween? . . . All right! Well, that's really— That's nice, it's nice to see there's some people that's coming here for the first time. Oh, another mask, hey . . . Must save this for Halloween. Okay . . .

FZ: All right, now wait a minute. All right, all right, now wait . . . This— Stop, stop, stop, we have plenty of— Now, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One moment, please, hey. All right now, wait, just a moment, please. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Now look. Okay. I would like to have a dance contest, but it is gonna be carried out in an orderly fashion, you get the picture? All right. Now, we have enough guys, we need some girls to dance with the guys. Okay. Let's see . . . Do we have any girls over here? You in the blue, come up here. We have, we have enough guys. What's your name?

Melissa: Melissa, Melissa.

FZ: Okay, Melissa. Choo— Name your poison, Melissa. Any one of these lovely fellas— Now look, here is the rules— All right. Here is the rules of the— No, I don't dance, I just stand around talkin' to the microphone. Now, wait— All right, now look. In your area— Hey, wait a minute, Butch. Your area for dancing is right in here, okay? This is by invitation only, by the way. Okay, let's— There's one, right there. What's your name?

James: James [Snodiak], I've been waiting all night.

FZ: Okay, all right. Speedy? This is Speedy? All right.

FZ: Sure. All right, now you—he wants to get his girlfriend—go get your girlfriend. Now, this is—

Queer Guy: . . . queer!

FZ: What? What?

Queer Guy: . . . queer!

FZ: All right. You can be as queer as you want to be, because this is New York . . . All right, do we, do we have an equal number of guys and girls?

Guy: . . . I love you. Please, please, swear to God . . . you're great . . .

FZ: All right. Wait. Now wait. Let's see. Choose your partner. What's your name, by the way?

Marilyn: Marilyn.

FZ: Marilyn. Wait a minute. You wanna dance? You wanna— Come up here. Leave my body alone, please. All right. Hey, eh . . . Okay. Yeah, yeah, please. Yeah. Hi!

FZ: This man is trying desperately to let everybody know that he is not a queer. He's not queer, he's not queer. All right, and now . . . You are going to dance, like you've never danced before . . . Right. Move back, please. Move back. All right. The name of this song is "The Black Page #2." You're ready? One, two, three, four!

FZ: One, two, three, four!

FZ: All right. Thank you for entering our dance contest!

FZ: Back. Back, backBye-bye.
Guy: "Dinah-Moe Humm," please!
FZ: All right. Yes. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guy: . . . all the time, bitch! Heh heh heh . . .
FZ: All right, thank you. Thank you, thank you . . . All right. Okay, okay, okay, hey, ah, ah. The dynamic Butch, ladies and gentlemen . . . Well, as I said before there is nothing quite Halloween in New York. And uh, what do we got? Six or seven more of these, these shows—What is this? Oh, fake brains! A fake brain bank. Well I put this over here by my pet pumpkin . . . Here we go. Huh. All right. We are now gonna play something—don't want to offend you. Hey, it's a little bit, it's a little bit intellectual but, watch out. The name of this song is "Little House I Used To Live In."

FZ:
Been a-rollin' in the bed since the show got out
Now I'm gettin' weak in the knees
Must have did it eighty, ninety times
It might have been a hundred
But you're the kind of girl that I really wanna please
You're the kind of girl that I really wanna please

Denny & Arthur:
Well, do you really wanna please me?

FZ:
You know I do

Denny & Arthur:
Tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

FZ:
Well, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Denny & Arthur:
You better tell me right away
Or I dress up and go!

FZ:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Denny & Arthur:
You better tell me right away
Don't you treat me cold

FZ:
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

Denny & Arthur:
I'm holding it

FZ:
It's good for you

Denny & Arthur:
I'm holding it

FZ:
It's good for you

Denny & Arthur:
I'm holding it

FZ:
It's good for you

Denny & Arthur:
I'm holding it

FZ:
All right, New York #1, you can let go of it now!

Dreamed I was an Eskimo
Frozen wind began to blow
Under my boots 'n around my toe
Frost had bit the ground below
It was a hundred degrees below zero
And my momma cried
You don't really look like an Eskimo
And my momma cried again
You don't really look like an Eskimo
And my momma cried one more time
You don't really look like an Eskimo
Nanook, no no
Nanook, no no
Don't be a naughty Eskimo
Save your money, don't go to the show

Well I turned around an' I said, Ho ho
I turned around an' I said, Ho ho
Well I turned around an' I said, Ho ho
An' the Northern Lites commenced t' glow

Watch out where the huskies go
An' don't you eat that yellow snow
Watch out where the huskies go
An' don't you eat that yellow snow

Well right about that time, people
A fur trapper
Who was strictly from commercial
(Strictly Commershil)
Had the unmedicated audacity to jump up from behind my igyaloo
(Peek-a-boo)
And he started in to whippin' on my fav'rite baby seal
With a lead-filled snow shoe
That's right!
Everybody . . .

With a lead
(Lead)
Lead-filled
(Lead-filled)
With a lead-filled snow shoe
(Snow shoe)
He said Peak-a-boo
(Peak-a-boo)

With a lead
(Lead)
Filled
(Lead-filled)
With a lead-filled snow shoe
(Snow shoe)
He said Peak-a-boo
(Peek-a-boo)

Well, he went right up side the head of my favorite baby seal
He hit him on the nose, he hit him on the fin
He went WHAP!
He smashed each and every one of the important disco organs in his body

You know that got me just about as evil
As an Eskimo boy can be
So I bent down 'n I reached down 'n I scooped down
An' I gathered up a generous mitten full of the deadly
(Yellow Snow)
The deadly Yellow Snow from right there where the huskies go

And then I proceeded to rub it all into his beady little eyes
With a vigorous circular motion
Hitherto unknown to the citizens of New York
But destined to take the place of The Mud Shark
In your mythology
The vigorous circular motion
Here it goes
Rub it!
(Hey!)
(Hey!)
(Hey!)

FZ: All right. Now here's the good part of the song. Some more audience participation for you. Everybody stand up. Stand up, stand up. Go and stand up. Stand up, stand up. Now, now watch, watch me now, you're gonna do what I do.

Now you pounce
You pounce again
Jump up 'n down the chest of the . . .
Great Googly-Moogly!
You're gonna injure the fur trapper

FZ: Now do you think you can handle that? The hard part is the little fast ones, you know what I mean? So, you know, if this is gonna be tough on you, you know, the chickens should just go ahead and sit down now because you'll be embarrassed, but the rest of you guys, let's try it, let's take care of the fur trapper once and for all.

Now you pounce
You pounce again
Jump up 'n down the chest of the . . .
Great Googly-Moogly!
You can sit down now

Thank you!

Well, the fur trapper
He was really messed up
You know, thousands and thousands of people from New York and also from other place who came to this show
Had jumped all over his body
And you know what he said?
(Tell me!)
Well, he started looking around
You know what he said
A lot of trouble, he started looking around and he kept looking around
And he kept looking around and all of a sudden he said . . .

I can't see
(No no no no no . . .)
I can't see
(No no no no no . . .)
I can't see
(No no no no no . . .)
I can't see
(No no no no no . . .)

He took a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuffed it in my right eye
He took a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuffed it in my other eye
An' the huskie wee-wee, I mean the doggie wee-wee
Has blinded me, yew!
And I can't see
Temporarily

Well, it was at that time that the fur trapper remembered the ancient Eskimo legend
Wherein it is written
On whatever it is that they write it on up there
That if anything bad ever happens to your eyes
As a result of some sort of a conflict
With an audience of New York at the Palladium
The only way you can get it fixed up
Is to go trudgin' across the tundra
Mile after mile
Trudgin' across the tundra
Right down to the parish of Saint Alfonzo

Now Saint Alfonzo, even, even Joey Psychotic knows that Saint Alfonzo is the patron saint of the smelt fishermen of Portuguese extraction
And here to play the saint's own personal exhuberating little motif is Ed Mann
Got your costume on?
Okay, you're ready?
Take it away, Ed . . .

That's right, here we are!

At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene
An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine
I saw a handsome parish lady
Make her entrance like a queen
Why she was totally chenille
And her old man was a Marine
As she abused a sausage pattie
(Pittie-pittie-pattie pittie-pattie-pattie-pootie)
And said why don't you treat me mean?
(Hurt me)
(Hurt me!)
(Hurt me
(Hurt me!)
(Hurt me)
(Hurt me!)
(Pittie!)
(Pattie!)
(Pootie!)
(Pootie-pootie!)
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
(Hah! Good God! Get off the bus!)
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene

Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo

The funky Alfonzo!

Father Vivian O'Blivion
Resplendent in his frock
Was whipping up the batter
For the pancakes of his flock
He was looking rather bleary
(He forgot to watch the clock)
'Cause the night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked
(He stroked it)
The night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked
(He stroked it)
The night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked his
Sma-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ahhhhh
(Stroked his smock)
Which set him off in such a frenzy
He sang Lock Around The Crock
An' he topped it off with a . . .
An' he topped it off with a . . .
An' he topped it off with a . . .
Woo woo woo
Woo woo woo
Woo woo woo
As he stumbled on his cock
He was delighted as it stiffened
And ripped right through his sock
Oh, Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me
(Proud of me
Proud of me)
He shouted down the block

[...]

Dominus Vo-bisque 'em
Et come spear a tu-tu, oh!
Won't you eat my sleazy pancakes
Just for Saintly Alfonzo

They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite
They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite

They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town
They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town

Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo
(You want a pancake?)
I brought you your snow shoes
Ooo-ooo-ooo

Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo
I brought you your snow shoes
Ooo-ooo-ooo

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-nanook
Na-na-na-na-na-nanook-oh
Nanook
Rubs it
Saint
Al
Al
Fo-fo-fo
Fo-fo-fo-fo-fo-fonzo

Saint Alfonzo really loves it when he rubs it for him
I have seen him rubbin' it
I have seen him rubbin' it
I have, I have a-seen him stroke his weenie
(It was teenie)
Rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
Nanook is rubbin' it, 'n Alfie is lovin' it
Saint Alfonzo, can you hear us praying to you?
Can you fix my Chevy?
Boy, you're really heavy
Here's the church and here's the steeple
Open up and see the people
Some are kneeling, some are standing
All the money they are handing
To some asshole with a basket
Where it goes we dare not ask it
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
This here basket really shoves it
Here's your quarter, here's your dollar
Let's play ring around the collar
Hup! Hey, get it now?
(We get it now!
We take now
Your little gifts)

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Friend!

FZ: Vinnie, Artie, Pattie, Tommy, Denny, Petey, Eddie, and Frankie, say thanks for coming to the show in New York #1. Hope you enjoyed it. Good night!

FZ: All right, all right, all right. Once again, Vince Colaiuta on drums, Arthur Barrow on bass, Patrick O'Hearn on bass, Tommy Mars on keyboards, Denny Walley on slide and vocals, Peter Wolf on keyboards, Ed Mann on percussion. Okay, now look, we're gonna play one more song, this, this is the last one, absolutely the last one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, we're gonna be here till Halloween, what they hey! The name of this song is "Peaches En Regalia."