Chorus
LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA LA
Narrator
LADIES 'N GENTLEMEN
THE TRUE STORY OF
Chorus
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
Narrator
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
LIFE ON THE ROAD!
Chorus
WHEE!
SHH!
Narrator
LADIES 'N GENTLEMEN!
HERE HE IS!
LARRY THE DWARF!
Chorus
YAY!
Narrator
LARRY LIKES TO DRESS UP FUNNY. TONIGHT HE IS DRESSED UP LIKE FRANK ZAPPA. LET'S ASK HIM WHAT'S THE DEAL.
Group
WENT ON THE ROAD
FOR A MONTH TOURING
WHAT A DRAG
Y' GOTTA GO
EVEN IF Y'D RATHER BE AT HOME
FLAKED OUT
IN HOLLYWOOD
DROVE TO INGLEWOOD AND THEN WE DUMPED
ALL OUR SHIT AND TOOK A PLANE AT FIVE-O-THREE
WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?
CHICKEN, BEEF OR TURKEY?
LA LA LA LA
WOULD YOU LIKE A SNACK?
WE JUST ARRIVED
GEE, THIS PLACE IS THRILLING
Group
CENTERVILLE
A REAL NICE PLACE TO RAISE YOUR KIDS UP
CENTERVILLE
IT'S REALLY NEAT!
CHURCHES!
CHURCHES!
AND LIQUOR STORES!
Group
BOWLING ALLEYS!
JUST LIKE GLENDALE!
LOOK!
OVER THERE . . .
IT'S A RANCID BOUTIQUE!
Group
THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN WE'RE IN IS JUST A
SEALED TUNA SANDWICH WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED
WE GET A FEW IN EVERY TOUR
I THINK WE PLAYED THIS ONE BEFORE
Group
THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN
IS A SEALED TUNA SAMWICH
SEALED TUNA SAMWICH
WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED
IT'S BY BALONEY ON THE RACK
IT GOES FOR FORTY CENTS A WHACK
IT'S JUST A PLACE FOR US TO PLAY
TO HELP US PAY
THE COST OF THE TICKETS BACK TO L.A.
THE COST OF THE TICKETS BACK TO L.A.
THE COST OF THE TICKETS BACK TO L.A.
ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE SAMWICH TOWN
THINK THE PLACE IS GREAT!
WHAT IF PART OF IT'S CRUMBLIN' DOWN
MOST 'O THEM PROB'LY WON'T BE 'ROUND
THEY'LL EITHER BE DEAD
OR MOVED TO SAN FRANCISCO
WHERE EVERYBODY THINKS THEY'RE HEAVY BUSINESS
IT'S JUST A TUNA SANDWICH
FROM ANOTHER CATERING SERVICE
Group
THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN WE'RE IN IS JUST A
SEALED TUNA SANDWICH WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED
WE GET A FEW IN EVERY TOUR
THEY'RE ALWAYS SUCH A FUCKING BORE
Howard
I CAN'T WAIT TILL WE BLOW THIS PLACE AND GET TO A TOWN WITH A LOT OF HOT ACTION
Group
THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN
IS A SEALED TUNA SAMWICH
SEALED TUNA SAMWICH
Chorus
WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED
Group
WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED
Chorus
IT'S BY BALONEY ON THE RACK
Group
IT GOES FOR FORTY CENTS A WHACK
IT'S JUST A RANCID LITTLE SNACK
IN A PLASTIC PACK
FROM A MATRON IN LA HABRA WITH A BLOWN-OUT CRACK
WHO DIES TO SUCK THE FRINGE OFF OF JIMMY CARL BLACK!
Cowboy Burt
HEY! WHO ARE THESE DUDES?
ARE YOU A BOY?
OR A GIRL? HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Chorus
OR A TURKEY? HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Cowboy Burt
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
I WONDER IF THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN PLAY SOMETHIN' I MIGHT LIKE . . .
Chorus
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Cowboy Burt
HEY TWERP . . . PLAY ME A TUNE I CAN ENJOY!
Soprano
I DON'T KNOW VERY MUCH ABOUT YOU
I'M NEW AT THIS, YOU SEE
WE JUST CAME TO DO AN INTERVIEW
INTERVIEW
I'LL JUST GET OUT MY LITTLE NOTEBOOK AND PEN
I ALWAYS HAVE TROUBLE WORKING MY TAPE RECORDER BECAUSE I'M NOT VERY MECHANICAL . . .
I CAN NEVER GET IT TO WORK WHEN I WANT IT, WHICH IS WHY I GOT MY NOTEBOOK WITH ME HERE
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW YOU'RE FEELING
ABOUT THE WORLD TODAY
BY THE WAY, WHAT DO YOU CALL YOUR GROUP
CALL YOUR GROUP
WHAT THE HECK DO YOU CALL YOUR GROUP?
Chorus
YAH YAH YAH
Soprano
I BET IT'S SOMETHING FREAKY AND OBSCENE
AN' OUTA SITE!
YEAH
I BET WHATEVER THE NAME OF YOUR GROUP IS
THAT IT'S REAL FAR OUT AN' GROOVY
Chorus
I'LL BET IT IS
REAL
REAL FAR OUT AN' GROOVY
REALLY GROOVY
Soprano
I BET YOUR GROUP NAME IS REAL WEIRD 'CAUSE YOU LOOK WEIRD YOURSELF . . .
SO MANY GROUPS GOT SUCH WEIRD NAMES TODAY. IT'S SO HARD TO CATCH UP ON IT.
YOU DON'T MIND IF WE GET SOME PICTURES, DO YOU?
WE GOT ALL KINDS OF CAMERAS AND BULBS AND WIDE ANGLE LENSES TO MAKE YOU LOOK . . .
. . . JUST LIKE A DEPRAVED TROLL, OR SOMETHING OF THAT NATURE . . . MAKE YOU LOOK REAL WEIRD AND FAR FUCKIN' OUT!
I'LL JUST STICK THIS LENS IN HERE AND FIX IT SO YOU LOOK LIKE A CREEP
THE KIDS WHO READ OUR ROCK & ROLL NEWSPAPER LIKE TO SEE FAMOUS MUSICIANS WHO LOOK FAR OUT & GROOVY
Chorus
REAL FAR OUT,
FAR FUCKING OUT,
FAR FUCKING OUT 'N GROOVY
Soprano
I'LL GET THIS SHOT AND THEN I'LL GET MY BOOK
AND ASK
A BUNCH MORE FASCINATING STUFF
Chorus
WHEN IS YOUR NEXT L.P. TO BE RELEAS'D
AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GROWING YOUR;
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GROWING YOUR HAIR
HAVE YOU BEEN TO ENGLAND YET
AND HOW DO THEY LIKE YOUR MUSIC OVER THERE?
HOW DO THEY LIKE IT THERE
Soprano
HOW DO THEY LIKE IT?
Chorus
HOW DO THEY LIKE IT?
HOW DO THEY LIKE YOUR MUSIC OVER THERE?
OVER THERE
Soprano
I BET THE FIRST TIME YOU WENT OVER THERE IT WAS REALLY EXCITING AND HEAVY AND FAR FUCKIN' OUT . . .
I BET IT WAS GROOVY VIBES OVER THERE . . . SO EUROPEAN!
I CAN JUST IMAGINE YOU AND YOUR LITTLE GROUP . . . GOING ALL OVER EUROPE . . . PARIS . . . ROME
. . . ESSEN, EVEN THE VIENNESE WOODS!
Wait a minute . . . I just want to verify a rumor I heard. Is it true that in the Autumn of 1968, you and a bunch of other crazed buffoons actually held a secret rehearsal with members of the B.B.C. Symphony in the back room of an exotic Old English pub out on Seven Sisters Road, and there unbeknownst to the outside world at large did proceed to illicitly manufacture a semi-pornographic situation comedy Rock & Roll stage show based on all the reasons why everybody wants to quit your group . . . whatever you call it.
Isn't it also true that you put this show together, against all known laws of man and nature (including costumes) in three days, except for the music you wrote in some moderately extravagant Viennese hotel? The same hotel where you made some questionable 16mm movies of your wife and an unidentified foot?
It has also been rumored that you persisted in mounting your silly little production, even against the best judgement of Herbie Cohen, having the audacity to perform it twice in one night at the very Royal Festival Hall itself, whereupon it swiftly received a Chris Welch MELODY MAKER review, pronouncing it totally rancid and devoid of relevant social comment, and/or minimum entertainment value.
I DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT YOUR STUFF,
I BEEN A LITTLE BUSY
THIS WON'T TAKE LONG,
JUST A FEW QUESTIONS
THIS WON'T TAKE LONG,
JUST A FEW QUESTIONS,
JUST A FEW QUESTIONS
THIS WON'T TAKE LONG
Rance
CAN I
AHEM
Soprano
OH! YOU STARTLED ME!
MMM!
MM, MM MM, AHH
MM, OOOH
Rance
CAN I HELP YOU WITH THIS DUMMY?
Soprano
HE'S NOT VERY VERY HEAVY
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA! JUST LOOK AT THIS . . .
. . . DUMMY
A SILLY DUMMY LIKE THIS COULD NEVER BE VERY HEAVY . . .
Rance
HO! HO! HO!
Soprano
HEH HEH HEH
Rance
YOU WERE PERFORMING AN UNNATURAL ACT WITH THAT DUMMY!
Soprano
NO! I WASN'T . . . REALLY
Rance
YOU WERE GETTING HOT WITH IT . . . I SAW YOU RUBBING . . .
Soprano
WHAT DO YOU . . . WHAT SORT OF A . . . WHY SHOULD A PERSON LIKE MYSELF BE . . .
Rance
HEH, HEH, HEH . . . I SAW YOU!
ALL THE WAY FROM OVER THERE I SAW YOU!
Soprano
NO . . . NO . . . NO!
Rance
YOU WERE BEATING OFF OR SOMETHING . . . YOU WERE WORKING UP TO BEATING OFF . . .
Soprano
NO . . . NO . . . NO . . . NO!
Rance
YOU WERE RUBBING YOUR TITS WITH THE DEFORMED HAND OF A DUMMY!
Soprano
NO! NO!
Rance
SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON EVERY ONE OF YOU!
Soprano
NO! OH, I'M SO ASHAMED!
Rance
YOU ROCK + ROLL INTERVIEWERS ARE ALL ALIKE!
Soprano
YES, OH YES . . . I'M SO TERRIBLY ASHAMED!
Rance
MASTURBATING! MASTURBATING! MASTURBATING!
Soprano
YES . . . YES . . . OH, YOU CAUGHT ME DOING IT!
MOSTLY I JUST DO IT WITH A TYPEWRITER . . .
Rance
DID YOU GET ANY GRATIFICATION?
Soprano
LOTS OF GREAT PICTURES . . .
Frank
ONE NIGHT I COULDN'T GET ANY ACTION AFTER THE CONCERT . . .
I WENT BACK TO THE HOTEL BY MYSELF
I MADE SOME INSTANT COFFEE AND I TOOK OUT THE MUSIC I'D BEEN WORKING ON . . .
A PIECE FOR VOICE AND SMALL ENSEMBLE . . .
IT WAS CALLED: "I HAVE SEEN THE PLEATED GAZELLE"
Narrator
GAZELLE?
Soprano
I HAVE SEEN THE PLEATED GAZELLE
GUHH-ZAY-LL
GUHH-ZILLE
GAH-ZILLE
G' ZEL GUHH G G G G G
Frank
SOME PEOPLE MIGHT WONDER WHY A PERSON MIGHT WANT TO WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THIS . . .
Soprano
GUH GUH G G
GAW-ZALE
GUH GUH GOO G G
Frank
IT'S NOT PRETTY AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL
Soprano
GOO-EE-OO
GOO-AH-GOO
GOO-EE
Frank
BUT THAT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME WHILE I WAS WRITING IT . . .
I JUST WROTE DOWN WHATEVER CAME TO MIND . . . I FIGURED I'D NEVER GET TO HEAR IT ANYWAY
IT OCCURED TO ME LATER THAT NIGHT, THAT IF (BY SOME CHANCE) THE PLEATED GAZELLE WAS EVER PERFORMED, THE AUDIENCE MIGHT LIKE IT BETTER IF IT HAD A STORY.
SO I MADE UP A STORY . . .
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A GIRL . . .
SHE ALWAYS WORE A GREEN WOOL OVERCOAT
WITH PLASTIC FISH AND VIENNA SAUSAGES PINNED ON IT . . .
ON THE SHOULDERS
SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH A BOY WHO ALWAYS TREATED HER WRONG
ONE DAY SHE FLIPPED OUT . . .
Chorus
GUHH-ZILLE
GAH-ZILLE
G' ZEL GUHH G G G G G
GUH GUH G G
GAW-ZALE
GUH GUH GOO G G
Soprano
GOO-EE-OO
GOO-AH-GOO
GOO-EE
Frank
SHE HAD A TERRIBLE FIGHT WITH HER OLD BOY FRIEND ONE NIGHT. SHE TOLD HIM TO GO AWAY AND BEAT HIM WITH A PLASTIC FISH. SHE ATE SOME VIENNA SAUSAGES TO CALM DOWN. THEN SHE MET A NEWT RANCHER . . . A YOUNG LAD WHO RAISED NEWTS SO RICH PEOPLE COULD HAVE COATS MADE OUT OF THEM. SHE LOVED HIM A LOT, AND THEY STARTED SHACKING UP ON THE RANCH WHERE HE GREW THE NEWTS. EVERYTHING WAS FINE EXCEPT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH AN INDUSTRIAL VACUUM CLEANER . . .
Soprano 1
DEW
ON THE NEWTS WE GOT
Tenor 1
NEWT MONEY DUE
IT'S A PAYMENT ON THE RENTAL
FOR THE DEWY LITTLE NEWTS
WE GOT
WE GOT 'EM DEWY
Soprano 1
LEFT 'EM IN THE YARD ALL NIGHT
HOPE THEY DIDN'T GET UP TIGHT
THE LITTLE VIXENS
THE SAUCY LITTLE VIXENS
I HOPE THEY DIDN'T GET PISSED OFF
I HOPE
THAT THEY
DID NOT
DID NOT
I HOPE
THAT THEY
DID NOT
DASH OFF
IN TO THE NIGHT!
Frank
THE GIRL WAS AFRAID OF THE DARK AND THE NIGHT AND SOMETIMES THE NEWTS . . . BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING SHE WAS GETTING WORRIED ABOUT THE YOUNG LAD'S ATTACHMENT TO THE INDUSTRIAL VACUUM CLEANER. WHENEVER HE HAD TO GO OUT AT NIGHT AND SEE IF THE NEWTS HAD DASHED OFF, SHE'D STAY HOME AND KNIT BIG SOCKS, SOBBING TO HERSELF.
Brass & Woodwinds
BLORP!
BLORP
TSS
Chorus
THE LAD SEARCHES THE NIGHT FOR HIS NEWTS
Brass & Woodwinds
BLORP!
TSSS-T
Strings
BLORP! BLORP!
Woodwinds
BLORP
Frank
THEN HE'D COME HOME ALL TIRED OUT. SHE'D PUT DOWN THE BIG SOCK SHE WAS WORKING ON AND LOOK UP AT HIM, LONGINGLY . . . SHE WANTED HIM TO LOVE HER JUST AS MUCH AS HE LOVED HIS INDUSTRIAL VACUUM CLEANER AND THE NEWTS IN THE YARD. SHE DREAMED OF WAYS TO WIN HIS LOVE . . .
Narrator
THE GIRL WANTS TO FIX HIM SOME BROTH
Soprano
TINSEL COCK
Chorus
DOO-WEEOO
TINSEL COCK MY BABY
Soprano
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME BROTH?
Narrator
SOME NICE SOUP.
Soprano
SOME HOT BROTH?
Chorus
YUM!
Narrator
SMALL DOGS IN IT.
Soprano
HMM?
Chorus
DOGGIES
Soprano
DO YA?
Narrator
YOU LIKE BROTH?
Chorus
DOO WAD'N' UM
Narrator
DOG BROTH?
Soprano
HOT BROTH?
Chorus
HOT DOG BROTH
Narrator
YOU LIKE
DOG BROTH HOT?
Soprano
HOT DOG DE BRIS?
Chorus
DEBRIS!
Narrator
HOW D' YA LIKE IT?
Chorus
DOG BREATH?
DOG BROTH?
DOG BREATH BROTH?
Narrator
DEBRIS?
OF THE FOUR STYLES
OFFERED:
DEBRIS, BROTH, BREATH
AND THE EVER POPULAR, HYGIENIC
Soprano
DOO DOO
DOO DOO
Narrator
EUROPEAN VERSION
TINSEL COCK!
Soprano & Chorus
TINSEL COCK
Narrator
WHICH DO YOU CHOOSE?
THE GIRL
Chorus
DUH GIRL WANTS TA FIX HIM SOME BROTH
Narrator
IN A STATEMENT TO THE PRESS
Chorus
D-D-D-DUHHH
Narrator
EXPLAINS . . .
Soprano
BROTH REMINDS ME OF NUNS
Chorus
NUNS
NUNS
NUNS
Soprano
I SEE THEM SMASHING
Chorus
KIDS
Soprano
WITH RULERS
Chorus
BAP!
Soprano
DISCIPLINING MUNCHKIN CRETINS
TORTURED MUNCHKINS
TORTURED MUNCHKIN
IRISH CATHOLIC VICTIMS
Chorus
MUNCHKIN CRETINS
MUNCHKIN VICTIMS
Soprano
LITTLE GREEN SCRATCHY SWEATERS
Chorus
SWEATERS
Soprano
LITTLE GREEN SCRATCHY ONES
Chorus
CORDUROY PANTS
Soprano
BROWN CORDUROY PANTS
Chorus
DOO AH
DOO AH
Soprano
CORDUROY PANTS
AN' GREEN SCRATCHY
MUNCHKIN IRISH CATHOLIC VICTIMS
Chorus
MUNCHKINS
MUNCH-A-KINS
Soprano
MUNCHKINS GET ME HOT
Chorus
OO AH
Soprano
MUNCHKINS GET ME GET ME EE
OO AH EE OO
Chorus
MUNCHKINS
(BUNG)
(MOO)
GET ME
(HOT!)
TOO
(POOP!)
(MOO)
OO EE AH
Narrator
HOT!
GETS HER REAL HOT!
Soprano
AH
YEAH YEAH
PORK ME!
Narrator
A CARDBOARD BOX . . .
A SERIES OF CARDBOARD BOXES . . .
WITH A NUN SUIT PAINTED
ALL OVER THEM.
FOUR VIEWS . . .
EVERY SIDE OF THE BOXES . . .
ANOTHER THRILLING
VIEW OF A BLACK AND
STARCH-Y NUN SUIT . . .
. . . INSPIRING IN ITS
SIMPLICITY . . .
QUALITY GOODS . . .
Soprano
PORK
ME
OFF
Narrator
WEASELS;
VIENNA SAUSAGES;
VERY SMALL DOGS;
INSPIRED BY ITS SIMPLICITY . . .
NEARLY ABLE TO
GET OFF BEHIND IT . . .
Soprano
TINSEL COCK
Narrator
(MUNCHKINS GET HER HOT 'N DEWEY)
Chorus
DOO-WEE OO
(BOW DOOM)
TINSEL COCK ME DADDY
Soprano
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME BROTH?
SOME HOT BROTH?
HMM?
DO YA?
Chorus
YUM!
HMM
DOGGIES IN IT
DOGGIES IN IT
Narrator
SOME NICE SOUP.
SMALL DOGS IN IT.
DOGS!
DOG-FEET!
YOU LIKE BROTH?
Chorus
DOO
WAD' N' UM
DOG FEET BROTH!
YUMMY
DEBRIS!
NEWTS!
HOT NUNS
BLORP!
Narrator
DOG FEET?
YOU LIKE NUNS?
GAZELLES?
GAZELLES?
Soprano
HOT BROTH?
HOT NUN DEBRIS
AH
Narrator
GAZELLES?
HOT NUN
DEBRIS?
Frank
I FIGURED THAT IF THERE WAS A STORY . . . ESPECIALLY A LOVE STORY, THAT MORE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE COULD IDENTIFY WITH OR VICARIOUSLY PARTICIPATE IN THE CONCEPTS INVOLVING NEWTS, DOGS, GAZELLES AND HOT NUN DEBRIS.
Soprano
WHY DON'T YOU STRAP ON
THIS HERE BUNCH
OF CARDBOARD BOXES, DADDY-O
(JOY OF MY DESIRING)
YOU'LL CERTAINLY LOOK SUAVE
AND GET ME HOT
HOT
HOT
GET ME HOT AND HORNY
Chorus
AH OO
DOO WAH DOO WAH DOO WAH
Soprano
IF THERE'S ONE THING I REALLY GET OFF ON
Chorus
YOINNGG!
Soprano
IT'S A NUN SUIT PAINTED ON SOME OLD BOXES
SOME OLD MELODIES
FOUR-FOUR
AN AURA . . .
AN AREOLA . . .
PINK GUMS . . .
STUMPY GRAY TEETH . . .
DENTAL FLOSS
GETS ME HOT
WANNA WATCH A DENTAL HYGIENE MOVIE?
Chorus
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
TAN-TOON RAN-TAN NA-NA-HAN-NNNN
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
Jeff
I'M STEALING THE TOWELS
Chorus
NA-NA-NAH
Jeff
I'M STEALING THE ASHTRAY . . .
HA-NIN-NOO-NOON TAN-TOON-RAN
Donovan (Good Conscience)
NO, JEFF!
Jeff
TAN-TOON-RAN-TOON-HAN-TOON-RAN-IN
TAN-TOON-RAN-TOON-HAN-TOON-RAN-IN
Donovan
NO NO NO!
Jeff
MAN! THIS STUFF IS GREAT! IT'S JUST AS IF DONOVAN HIMSELF HAD APPEARED ON MY VERY OWN TV . . . WITH WORDS OF PEACE, LOVE AND ETERNAL COSMIC WISDOM!
RAN T TOON TOON TAN TOON TOON . . .
LEADING ME . . . GUIDING ME ON PATHS OF EVERLASTING PSEUDO-KARMIC NEGLIGENCE IN THE VERY MIDST OF MY DRUG-INDUCED . . .
. . . NOCTURNAL EMISSION
Donovan
. . . FOR I AM YOUR GOOD CONSCIENCE, JEFF, I KNOW ALL . . .
. . . I SEE ALL . . . I AM A COSMIC LOVE PULSE MATRIX BECOMING A TECHNICOLOR INTER-POSITIVE
Jeff
HEH?
. . . WHERE'D YOU BUY THAT INCENSE?
IT'S HIP.
Donovan
IT'S THE SAME MYSTERIOUS AND EXOTIC ORIENTAL FRAGRANCE AS WHAT THE BEATLES GET OFF ON.
Jeff
I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED IT
MMMM, WHAT IS THAT? MUSK?
Donovan
JEFF, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU.
Jeff
RIGHT
YOU'RE HEAVY . . .
Donovan
YES, JEFF. I'M YOUR GUIDING LIGHT . . . LISTEN TO ME . . . DON'T RIP OFF THE TOWELS, JEFF!
Ginger (Bad Conscience)
PISS OFF, YOU LITTLE NITWIT
Jeff
HEY MAN . . . WHAT'S THE DEAL?
Donovan
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, JEFF. HE'S NO GOOD . . . HE'LL MAKE YOU DO BAD THINGS!
Jeff
YOU MEAN . . . HE'LL MAKE ME SIN?
Donovan
YES, JEFF . . .
SIN
Jeff
WOW!
Ginger
JEFF, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU . . .
. . . ABOUT YOUR SOUL . . .
Donovan
NO! DON'T LISTEN, JEFF!
Ginger
WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR LIFE . . . NIGHT AFTER NIGHT PLAYING THIS COMEDY MUSIC . . .
Jeff
YOU'RE RIGHT . . . I'M TOO HEAVY TO BE IN THIS GROUP . . .
Ginger
COMEDY MUSIC . . .
Donovan
JEFF! YOUR SOUL!
Chorus
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE
YOU'RE MUCH TOO HEAVY JEFF
TO BE
Jeff
. . . IN THIS GROUP ALL I EVER GET TO DO IS PLAY ZAPPA'S COMEDY MUSIC . . . HE EATS.
Donovan
JEFF!
Jeff
I GET SO TENSE . . .
Ginger
OF COURSE YOU DO, MY BOY
Jeff
THE STUFF HE MAKES ME DO
IS ALWAYS OFF THE WALL
Ginger
THAT'S WHY IT WOULD BE BEST
TO LEAVE HIS STERN EMPLOY
Jeff
AND QUIT THE GROUP . . .
Ginger
YOU'LL MAKE IT BIG
Jeff
THAT'S RIGHT!
Ginger
OF COURSE
Jeff
AND THEN I WON'T BE SMALL!
Chorus
HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA
HE HE HE HE HE
HO HO HO HO
HA HA HA
Jeff
HEH HEH HEH
. . . MMF . . . SST . . . COUGH COUGH . . . MMF . . . AHMET ERTEGUN USED THIS TOWEL AS A BATH MAT 6 WEEKS AGO AT A RANCID MOTEL IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA, WITH THE HIGHEST MILDEW RATING OF ANY COMMERCIAL LODGING FACILITY WITHIN THE TERRITORIAL LIMITS OF THE UNITED STATES, NATURALLY EXCLUDING TROPICAL POSSESSIONS SST . . . SST . . . MMMJIGSPFFFTGMMD . . . IT'S STILL DAMP! WHAT AN AROMA!
THIS IS THE BEST I EVER GOT OFF . . . WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR? TRY IT ON STEAKS . . . CLEANS NYLONS . . . SMALL CRAFT WARNINGS.
IT'S GREAT FOR THE HOME . . . THE OFFICE . . . ON FRUITS . . .
Ginger
THIS IS THE REAL YOU JEFF . . . RIP OFF A FEW MORE ASH TRAYS, GET RID OF THAT INNER TENSION. QUIT THE COMEDY GROUP . . . GET YOUR OWN GROUP TOGETHER . . . HEAVY . . . LIKE GRAND FUNK RAILROAD
OR BLACK SABBATH!
Donovan
NO, JEFF!
Jeff
. . . OR COVEN!
Donovan
PEACE!
LOVE!
Ginger
BOLLOCKS!
Jeff
WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR?
Howard
JEFF HAS GONE OUT THERE ON THAT STUFF
Donovan
HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE USED THE ELIXIR . . . AND ONLY STUCK TO THE INCENSE . . . OH ATLANTIS.
Mark
THAT WAS BILLY THE MOUNTAIN DRESSED UP LIKE DONOVAN FADING OUT ON THE WALL MOUNTED TV SCREEN JEFF IS . . . FLIPPING OUT . . . ROAD FATIGUE . . . WE GOTTA GET HIM BACK TO NORMAL BEFORE ZAPPA FINDS OUT . . . AND STEALS IT AND MAKES HIM DO IT IN THE MOVIE!
Jeff
[DELICATE PERSONAL MEMBRANES, NO SHIT HOWIE, WE JUST LIKE MUSICIANS FOR FRIENDS]
Howard
[OH, MAN! WHAT IS HIS STORY?]
Ginger
YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT CAREER AHEAD OF YOU MY BOY . . . JUST GET OUT OF THIS GROUP . . .
Howard
WHAT?
Jeff
[. . . LATEX FAUNTLEROY MASSEUSE . . .]
Mark
HOWARD! THAT WAS STUDEBAKER HOCH DRESSED UP LIKE JIM PONS GIVING CAREER GUIDANCE TO THE BASS PLAYER OF A ROCK-ORIENTED COMEDY GROUP! JEFF'S IMAGINATION HAS GONE BEYOND THE FRINGE OF AUDIENCE COMPREHENSION.
Howard
JEFF, JEFF IT'S ME THE PHLORESCENT LEECH
Jeff
WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR?
(WALTER BRENNAN NOISE)
Mark
JEFF, JEFF IT'S . . . ME, EDDIE
WHAT CAN A PERSON LIKE ME SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR?
Jeff
USE IT TO CLEAN YOUR SWIMMING POOL, SELL IT TO YOUR MOTHER AND TELL HER IT'S A RIT TIE DYE KIT YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE WHAT'LL HAPPEN WHEN YOU STARCH YOUR SHIRT WITH IT. AND YOUR CAR WINDOWS NEVER LOOKED BETTER IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE, BREATH IT, PUT IT ON YOUR PIZZA, PUT IT ON YOUR SHOES, TIE YOUR WIFE WITH IT . . . (WALTER BRENNAN NOISE)
Mark
WELL, PUT IT ON YOUR STEAKS, UH SEND IT OVERSEAS, PUT IT ON YOUR SURFBOARD YOU WON'T SLIP OFF, TRY IT ON YOUR UPHOLSTERY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU CAN INHALE IT AND IT MAKES YOUR VOICE THREE KEYS HIGHER, RUB IT, HEH, HEH, AND IF YOU EVER TRIED IT AS A . . . (WALTER BRENNAN NOISE)
Howard
SOAK YOUR SHIRTS IN IT, SOAK YOUR TEETH IN IT, LET IT PLAY THE PIANO, TOW IT AROUND THE BLOCK, PUT IT ON YOUR SWIMMING POOL AND YOU CAN'T EVEN STAND WHEN YOU PUT IT IN YOUR HAIR, FILL UP YOUR TIRES WITH IT . . . (WALTER BRENNAN NOISE)
Jeff
WHAT . . .
WHAT CAN I . . .
WHAT . . .
WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS? . . .
Mark & Howard
DWEE DOO DEE-OO-POO FRAM, MINNN
HANNIN-ATT
Jeff
DOES THIS KIND OF LIFE LOOK INTERESTING TO YOU? . . .
Mark & Howard
HAN NIN-ATT
Jeff
NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, DINNERS WITH HERB COHEN, THRILL-PACKED, FUN-FILLED EVENINGS, ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA AT THE MIDEM CONVENTION, A BEIGE TIE, THE WHOLE BIT, WATCH MUTT EAT AND LEON FEED THE GEESE, ONE THOUSAND GREEN BUSINESS CARDS WITH YOUR NAME AND THE WRONG ADDRESS PLUS ROYALTY STATEMENTS, INSPECTED AND CUSTOMIZED BY RANTOON TAN, HANTOON FRAMMIN, AND DEE, FOLLOWED BY TWELVE POTENTIAL SUICIDES, AS THE MEMBERS OF YOUR GROUP, PAST AND PRESENT, FIND OUT THEY CAN'T COLLECT UNEMPLOYMENT? A DOG, A CAR, AN EPIDEMIC OF BODY LICE, YOUR OWN RECORD COMPANY, YOUR NAME ON THE DOOR, ELECTRIC BUZZER TO THE INNER OFFICE, AND ONA'S TITS, A THREE MONTH SUPPLY OF GERMAN BOOKINGS WITH TICKETS ON AIR RANGOON. DOES THIS KIND OF LIFE LOOK INTERESTING TO YOU? AS A FAKE ROCK AND ROLL GUITAR PLAYER IN A COMEDY GROUP?
Chorus
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
TAN-TOON RAN-TAN NA-NA-HAN NNNN
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
Jeff
I'M STEALING THE ROOM
I'M STEALING THE ROOM
I'M STEALING THE
I'M STEALING THE ROOM
Chorus
I'M STEALING THE ROOM
I'M STEALING THE . . .
I'M STEALING THE ROOM
STEALING
I'M STEALING THE . . .
I'M STEALING THE . . .
I AM . . . MMM
STEEL
Strings
I AM STEEL
STEEL
Chorus
S-S-STEEL
I AM STEEL
STEEL
Mark
PENIS DIMENSION!
Howard
PENIS DIMENSION?
Group
PENIS DIMENSION IS WORRYING ME
I CAN'T HARDLY SLEEP AT NIGHT
Chorus
'CAUSE OF PENIS DIMENSION
Mark & Howard
NO!
Chorus
DO YOU WORRY?
DO YOU WORRY A LOT
Mark & Howard
NO!
Mark
DO YOU WORRY?
DO YOU WORRY AND MOAN
THAT THE SIZE OF YOUR COCK IS NOT MONSTROUS ENOUGH
Howard
NO!
Chorus
IT'S YOUR PENIS DIMENSION
Mark & Howard
PENIS DIMENSION
WAH
WAH
Mark & Howard
Hiya, friends. Now, just be honest about it . . . Did you ever consider the possibility that YOUR PENIS, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of subconscious tension?! Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to become a politician, a policeman, a Jesuit Monk, a rock & roll guitar player, a wino . . . you name it!
Or, in the case of the ladies, the ones who can't afford a silicone beef-up, they become writers of hot books . . .
"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim . . ."
Yes, or they become Carmelite Nuns . . .
". . . Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit . . ."
. . . or race horse jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the troubles of the world!
Now, if you are a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school: "ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED!"
Yes, and isn't it the truth?! And if you're a guy and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool . . . I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear you're being so cool . . . and somebody hits on you one night and he looks you up and down and he says: "Eight inches or less?"
Well, let me tell you brother, that's the time when you got to turn around and look the sonafabitch right between the eyes and you got to tell him these words . . .
Rance
WHAT'S BETWEEN YOUR LEGS
IS JUST THE LAST FEW INCHES OF A COMPLEX
MECHANISM WHICH RUNS
UP AND DOWN THE SPINAL CORD
AND ALL HOOKED UP TO THE HUMAN BRAIN!
Janet & Lucy
WHICH
IF USED CORRECTLY
CAN EFFECTIVELY INCREASE
THE DIMENSIONS
AND THE FIREPOWER OF YOUR DICK
Rance
TO THE POINT, WHERE, IN SOME INSTANCES IT SHOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS A LETHAL WEAPON!
Chorus
YOUR DICK
Brass
YER DICK
Chorus
YOUR DORK
Brass
YER DORK
Chorus
YOUR PRICK
Brass
YER PRICK
Chorus
YOUR PORK
Lucy
YER PORK?
Janet
PORK?
Lucy
WHO CALLS IT A PORK? THESE MEN . . . AND THE THE STUFF THEY CALL A WEE-WEE . . .
Group
A WEE-WEE?
Rance
YOU MEAN A PENIS, DON'T YOU
Lucy
A PENIS? EEUOO . . .
Janet
PENIS IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD!
Rance
IT'S NOT THAT UGLY, REALLY . . .
Mark
SURE . . . I USE IT ALL THE TIME
Howard
SURE . . . WE ALL SAY IT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE . . .
Group
PENIS
Janet & Lucy
EEUOO
Group
PENIS!
PENIS!
Janet
IT SOUNDS SO REVOLTING THE WAY YOU GUYS SAY IT . . . EEUOO . . . KA-KA!
Janet & Lucy
KA-KA!
Rance
A PENIS CAN BE A VERY USEFULL AND EXCITING ORGAN!
Howard
. . . VERY EXCITING (ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW ME . . .)
Group
PENIS!
Lucy
IT SOUNDS SO OVERWHELMINGLY MEDICINAL . . .
Janet
A "PENIS" SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A DOCTOR WOULD HAVE HANGING OFF HIM . . .
Lucy
NONE OF THE MEN I KNOW & LOVE IN THE ROCK & ROLL BUSINESS GOT A "PENIS" . . . THEY ALL GOT COCKS OR DICKS AT LEAST!
Janet
SURE . . . YOU GO TO STRAP ON A POP STAR AND HE WANTS TO STUFF A "PENIS" UP YOU . . . WHERE IS THAT AT?
Mark
LET'S ASK OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE!
Chorus
LOO LOO LOO
LA LA LA DOO DOO DOO WAH
DEE DEE DAH DOO DOO DOO
Mark
WILL YOU TRADE WHAT HE HAS IN HIS PANTS FOR WHAT I HAVE BEHIND THIS CURTAIN?
Janet
WHAT IS IT?
Lucy
YOU MEAN WHAT'S IN HIS PANTS?
Janet
I KNOW WHAT'S IN HIS PANTS . . . HE'S A LONELY GUY.
Chorus
"TAKE THE MONEY"
Mark
YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE BEFORE THE BIG WHEEL STOPS WHIRLING . . .
YOU . . . GO WHIRL THE BIG WHEEL
Lucy
CAN I JUST TAKE THE MONEY?
Janet
THERE ISN'T ANY MONEY . . . JUST THE CURTAIN AND . . .
Lucy
. . . THE LONELY GUY?
Chorus
"TAKE THE CURTAIN"
Mark
TIME IS RUNNING OUT . . . THINK IT OVER CAREFULLY!
Janet
THE CURTAIN?
Lucy
I WANT THE MONEY.
Janet
WAIT?
WHAT COULD IT BE IN THERE?
Lucy
IN HIS PANTS?
Janet
IN THE CURTAIN!
Howard
DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE WHAT'S IN MY PANTS?
Lucy
IT'S TOO LITTLE HAVE A CAR OR A REFRIGERATOR . . .
Mark
DON'T BE DECEIVED BY THE SIZE OF THE CURTAIN!
Rance
LORD, HAVE MERCY ON THE PEOPLE IN ENGLAND,
FOR THE TERRIBLE FOOD THOSE PEOPLE MUST EAT
BWAARP!
AND MAY THE LORD HAVE MERCY ON THE FATE OF THIS MOVIE
AND GOD HELP THE MIND OF THE MAN IN THE STREET
Chorus
HELP ALL THE REDNECKS AND THE FLATFOOT POLICEMEN
WITH THE TERRIBLE FUNCTIONS THEY ALL MUST PERFORM
AND GOD HELP THE WINE-OS, THE JUNKIES AND THE WEIRDOS
Soprano
AND E'VRY POOR SOUL WHO'S ADRIFT IN THE STORM.
Chorus
HELP E'VRY BODY SO THEY ALL GET SOME ACTION,
SOME LOVE ON THE WEEKEND, SOME REAL SATISFACTION
Dwarf
A ROOM AND A MEAL
AND A GARBAGE DISPOSAL
A LAWN AND A HOSE'LL
BE STRICTLY GENTEEL
Group
REACH OUT YOUR HAND TO THE GIRL IN THE DOG BOOK
THE GIRL IN THE PIG BOOK AND THE ONE WITH THE HORSE
MAKE SURE THEY KEEP ALL THOSE BUSINESSMEN HAPPY
AND THE PURPLE-LIPPED CENSORS AND THE GERMANS, OF COURSE
Group & Chorus
HELP EVERY BODY, SO THEY ALL GET SOME ACTION,
SOME LOVE ON THE WEEKEND, SOME REAL SATISFACTION
Group
A SWEDISH APPARATUS
WITH A HOOD AND A BLUDGEON
WITH A MICROWAVE OVEN
HONEY, HOW DOES IT FEEL YEAH
LORD HAVE MERCY ON THE HIPPIES AND FAGGOTS
AND THE DYKES AND THE WEIRD LITTLE CHILDREN THEY GROW
HELP THE BLACK MAN
HELP THE POOR MAN
HELP THE MILK MAN
HELP THE DOOR MAN
HELP THE LONELY, NEGLECTED OLD FARTS THAT I KNOW
Rance
It's been swell having you with us tonight, folks. If your name wasn't on the list of blessings we've been passing out, we don't want you to be pissed off.
Howard
We sort of ran out of time here, and we have to go, our contract with United Artists limits the length of the film.
Mark
And we still have a few things left to tell you, so, without any further hesitation, let me present my friend and musical associate Howard Kaylan . . . who will never deliver the closing benediction.
Voice (Group)
Thanks for coming to the show.